End of Year Recap

So this year has been, well it has been a year...full of highs and lows and so many new adventures. I thought I would go over what all went on in 2009.

January:
- said hello and goodbye to our sweet Hudson after 30 weeks of pregnancy

February:
- went to St. Simons Island to rejuvenate

March:
- laid off from job at bank
- honored Hudson in the March of Dime 5K to kick off St. Patrick's Day
- went to Anaheim, CA

April:
- first experience of Hudson not being counted in the family

May:
- Hunter and I went to the annual doggie carnival
- first Mother's Day
- signed contract for our new house!!

June:
- New Kids on the block concert
- 1st dance recital in 9 years
- Henninger family vacation to Myrtle Beach, SC

July
- Kirkland family vacation cruise
- celebrated 2 married years with John

August
- started our expensive venture of doctor visits...
- said goodbye to a hero - Matthew Freeman
- added a new brother-in-law to the family

September
- added a new niece to the family
- MOVED INTO OUR NEW HOUSE!!
- celebrated being together for 8 years!

October
- cheered for the first time in ages at the VSU homecoming game!
- balloon release for Hudson
- found out we were having baby #2

November
- first time seeing the little one!
- hosted Thanksgiving in our new house

December
- found a thickened nucheal fluid behind the baby's neck
- celebrated Christmas in our new home!

Whew! Just remember how much stuff I left out of there as well! This was a busy, heartbreaking, grieving, new, fun, full of tears and laughter year. As much as I would trade to have not gone through what we experienced I would not trade my path in life. I know that everything happened for a reason. I will say that I am on my knees praying that 2010 will be a much less of a heartbreaking year for us. I am not much on resolutions, but there are a few goals (which seems to be the "theme" for everyone - not making resolutions, but goals instead) that I would like to achieve and some character building things I would like to work on this year - and continue on into years to come.

1. I want to become a better Christian woman. My walk with God was truly tested this year and I hope to learn more and do more for Him in my daily life. I know that this year, without Him, I would not be where I am today. This includes tithing on a more regular basis and giving more time and energy to quiet time.

2. Being less selfish. I am not a selfish person by nature, but this year I know I have been more focused on myself than others. I know it's natural and it had to happen in order for me to get my life back together, but it's not a person I want to be. So I plan to call more, write more, e-mail more - and ask questions more. Listen more and be there more. I also want to commit to more random acts of kindness to strangers as well as people I know.

3. Continue striving for a healthy me. I want to continue to eat right and exercise and after the baby is born get right back on track to losing the weight I was working on! I hope to train for a 1/2 marathon and marathon to run in the future.

4. Become less of a hoarder. I vow to throw at all the useless junk I have. I mean doesn't everyone have their eraser collection from elementary school? John - I hope you are reading this! Now I have given you a timeline of when I will through it all out :)

5. Lastly I want to strive to fix my hair at least 4 times a week - ha!

I hope that you each have a wonderful new year and that you are blessed beyond measure today, this year, next year, and the years to come!!

Ladies Who Lunch

Today I had lunch with some of my favorite lunch buddies - April, Holly, & Lyndsey. Well, technically April was not when us - ahem, but she did grace us with her presence later in the lunchtime. Last week we had a little gift exchange and this week we took a present to our favorite waitress at the Upper Crust. Such a yummy place to eat! I worked there when I was in high school for about a year. The four of us were all pregnant together last year, all had babies, and all workED at the bank. Yours truly was laid off, Lyndsey for similar reason, and April has recently given her notice to join bigger forces - a.k.a Jumpin' Jacks at Jackson Court. Holly is the lone soldier still workin' at the bank. All of us gals went to high school together. Lyndsey and I grew up with our houses back to back.

"April" & Lyndsey

Holly

April, Lyndsey, me, & Holly

*If you notice - April's stocking is empty because she canceled on us*

Bowling

Tonight was bowling - when I go bowling or think about bowling my mind breaks into the song from Grease 2 - "we're gonna boooooowwwwllll tonight - we're gonna rock, we're gonna roll..." Usually I break into song and John just gives me the "you are my crazy wife" look. I get those a lot. I ave started taking my camera with me everywhere again. Why I stopped in the first place I have no idea. Well, I have an idea - it was to much of a bother to think about anything else besides my constant worrying. Now that my leaf has turned and I am no longer a worrier I can remember to take my camera. It had gotten so bad - I haven't taken pictures in forever. I did not take a single picture at Thanksgiving in which we hosted. I didn't take pictures of the place settings, the Thanksgiving Tree I made - anything...nothing, zilch, nada. All because I was too concentrated on my worry. So a lesson you, if you let it worry will consume your life and you forget to do the things that make you happy. For me that would be taking pictures, sending cards for all occasions....and I have not done either of those. I am just NOW getting our Christmas cards out. Seriously? That is not like me at all. Oh well, it will be ok.

Back to the story at hand. We went bowling last night with our small group and had a great time. It's a new place called Frames and Games and it was so nice. They have bowling, billiards, arcade games, laser tag.....there was a birthday party going on as well. Great place for families to go! We were supposed to go last Tuesday after dinner at Cheddars, but rescheduled for this week instead. Here are some pictures!

Christy & Ryan

Bonnie & Alan

The Henninger Fam

Forgot to post

I just remembered I never posted the pictures of Hudson's grave marker...

These are from the Fall.

Where my grandfather is buried - and where my grandmother will be

My great-aunt

Where my parents has chosen to lay....kind of freaky, huh?

Dinner

I forgot to let you know there are still fun things going on in my life :) I am not just a ball of doom over here! Tuesday we went out to dinner with our small group. The Sunday before we all went to the church Christmas play and it was excellent! After the play we went to eat and John and I laughed harder and more than we have in a LONG time. It was such a great time.

At this past dinner we had planned on going bowling afterwards, but our bellys were full and our eyelids were heavy. We are saving the bowling for next week. Below is a picture of us and our group!

This weekend I also got to visit with a friend that I have not seen in a very long time. We went to high school together and then to Valdosta together. She and I lived together for a little while we were in Valdosta. Shannon is now married with two beautiful little girls and lives in New Hampshire. Picture is below - got to love the Will Ferrell face in the background :)

Small group

Shannon and I

One step forward and Two steps back...

When will there be a day that I can hold my head above water? I would just like a full 24 hours where something is in my favor. What a great time for me to try and not worry about all of this - which logically I should not worry about anything because everything is out of my control, right? Then again according to multiple people I am a nutcase. I would like to add I am a proud nutcase - ha!

Yesterday I had three separate conversations with Judy at Dr. Helmken's office. The first was to let her know that Tuesday was the day I had my HCG injections, therefore the test would probably be skewed. Judy said that from everything she saw and heard that my ultrasounds looked great! The second conversation was to let me know that indeed HCG would be measured in the blood test so at least when we get the results back we will know why the level is so high. Judy also let me know that she wanted to give the specialist a call to see exactly what their findings were in that ultrasound versus what has been found now. I told her go ahead.

On my way home from work last night I got a call from Judy stating she spoke to Ashley the genetics counselor (aka Negative Nancy). Judy told her about the new findings and Ashley told her that it didn't matter, that because it was there in the first place that means something could be wrong. Judy explained to her that John and I needed a little wiggle room in making our decisions - given the fact of everything we have already experienced. I am sure they talked about how crazy I am and how I thought I knew everything and how I just won't listen and blah blah, but at least by me educating myself I am not taking the one solution given and I am finding ways to go about the same tests in ways that I am more comfortable in doing.

So - this is the new plan and this is what I am sticking with for at least the next six weeks. I will have my next OB appointment on January 11th. I have cancelled the specialist appointment that was scheduled for the 13th. Instead I will have an anatomy scan (or whatever it is called) at 18 weeks on the 26th. At THIS appointment I will THEN decide on the amniocentesis. WHEN I see that there is a healthy baby with nothing to be concerned about I will not elect to have the procedure. If there is anything that is alarming and shows there is something for concern then I will have the procedure. If that little genetics counselor had listened to me in the first place then this is what the schedule would have been already. Sometimes I wonder if these people really ever listen, or care to listen, to their patients. Luckily I will not take only one solution and I will firmly make sure I get my way - especially when involving my child.

In the mean time I still ask for prayers for our baby. My plan is to not worry about anything. No more freak out visits to the hospital, no more googling things like "flat face ultrasounds", no more googling in general, no more worrying. I am going to just sit back, pray, pray, pray, and let what is not in my control be handled by God. Like I said before - there really isn't a point to worrying. What good would it do? It certainly does not help. Maybe this will relax me and I can change my psychotic reputation I am sure I now have at the doctor's office.

12 Week Appointment

There is never a dull moment at the doctor's office visit when I am the patient. Today John and I had our 12 week appointment. This was our first official visit back to Dr. Helmken's office since we have been in the care of Dr. Odom. I say first official because I went there on Friday just for a reassurement visit. At that time they performed an ultrasound and I had mentioned to the technician about the fluid (Nuchal Translucency) and she told me that a 3.5mm fold would show up like a red flag on her ultrasound screen. She said that she does not perform the tests, but if it was something that big it would show up. The heartbeat that day was 174.

Back to today's visit. We started with all the basic things at a check-up; including being weighed, something I never had to do at Dr. Odom's office, but everything looked great. We actually saw a nurse practitioner - Judy. Next we went into the room where they brought out the doppler. We listened and listened and listened - it felt like an hour, but really it did take a long time to find the heartbeat - which is due to my inverted (tilted) uterus. The heart rate was 166bpm. Next we started going over all of the medicines and the exam and all of that; then she mentioned if we had given thought to the genetic screenings. I took a deep breath and told her everything that had been going on the past 2 weeks. I handed her the letter we were sent from the genetics counselor and I told her everything that was spoken and how we didn't know what we were going to do and all of that stuff.

I am assuming she is a fan of the amniocentesis, but she did not try to sway me in either direction. After continuing the conversation I finally told her how I just didn't see any reason why I should have the amniocentesis. That I didn't feel like anything was going to be wrong and that according to the ultrasound on Friday everything looked like it was fine. That is when her eyes lit up. I went on to tell her what Noelle had said. She asked if we wanted to have the screening done (the scan by way of ultrasound and by taking blood from me) and we said yes. She made some phone calls (in which one I thought she was angry with Noelle, but she assured me she was not) and then we were taken to the ultrasound room.

When Cindi was taking the measurements I asked what it was measuring at - it was 1.77mm!! Isn't that just great! This fully confirms the power of prayer (that we still need!!)!! We still have to wait for the blood results - which still do not give a yes or no answer, but to me it gives me either (1)-more validation that I will not have/need the amnio or (2)-that something could be wrong. It gives you results like you are 1 out of 50 to have a chromosomal abnormality or 1 in 10,000. Either way it will help in are future decisions on the types of the procedures we will take on. At this point in the day is when I was called a nutcase, but for good reason. The whole conversation was in good humor and John quite enjoyed having someone on his side :) I will say that by being a nutcase I get things done :) Our next appointment will be 1/11 - so an update will come then!!

Pressure

One day I will have an upbeat post - I promise :) Wednesday John and I got a letter in the mail that was a copy of what was also sent to our specialist Dr. Odom. It was a recap from the genetics counselor at our special ultrasound. It had all the stats and all the findings and whatnot. In the letter it stated that John and I had made an appoint for amniocentesis at 16 weeks. When I read that it disturbed me - a lot. I knew we made an appointment, but we were to decide at that appointment after the ultrasound if we were going to have amniocentesis. I remember specifically telling her that we if the fluid had gone away (which we knew it would be by then) that we would elect not to have the amnio. When I told her that I do recall her saying that there could still be problems even if the fluid had gone away. That was the end of that part of the conversation. I thought she knew what we had wanted, but apparently not.

I called the genetics counselor on Thursday to make sure that the appointment was for the ultrasound and not just amnio. From the conversation we had prior she took out that we were going to decide between now and then if we would elect to have the amnio. I told her I didn't think it was necessary if the fluid had gone away. Miss negativity had to once again say, well there could still be a problem. I feel, and have felt this whole time, as if she is pressuring for the amnio. The thing about me is when I feel like someone is pressuring me to do something that I am on the fence about I will turn and do the complete opposite. I like to be in control of my decisions and not feel pushed or bullied to do things someone else's way. I told her I was not going to be pushed into something I wasn't comfortable with and I felt that she was pushing me. She asked what I expected to get out of the ultrasound - as in what would make or break the decision about the amnio. I told her - as I had already told her and she then said, well, if you aren't going to have the amnio at this appointment the ultrasound is pointless. The baby will be too small and the doctors will not be able to see what they need to see. What?!? Where was this little tidbit of information in the initial appointment? She then said we would need to reschedule for an 18 week ultrasound for the doctors to see what they needed to see.

What I really do not understand is why is she so pushy for the amnio - knowing I am clearly uncomfortable with it. Why wouldn't she have other options for couples? I remember looking at her office - noticing only one photo of her and I am assuming her husband. No pictures of children - so I am assuming she does not have children. From that assumption I would have to say that she apparently has never been faced with the difficult choice of endangering the life she is carrying within her. It must be easy to sit and push an invasive procedure when you do not have to face or worry about the consequences. For me I know that I am already a statistic - I am 1 in 115 in having a stillbirth child. Knowing that I fit into one statistic how could I not assume I wouldn't fall into the 1 in 400 for miscarriage after amnio?

Ever since that conversation I have been feeling really down - actually most of this past week I have felt down. I have felt defeated. I know I have not been defeated and I fully believe that everything is going to be just fine with our little one...then again it's so easy to say that, but when you have lived the fear that so many pregnant women have it is that much harder to live without the fear. Friday I started having that pit in my stomach fear again - that something was wrong. I had been feeling sick (my throat was so closed up and on fire) and I stayed home from work that day, but the fretting was getting me no where. Without taking a shower I rushed to the doctor's office (this time my regular OB's office which I refer to as the "black hole" because I sometimes feel like that is what I am being sucked into - ever since the news about Hudson) to get checked out. I just needed a doppler. I got to the receptionist and started babbling my story - those of you that know me personally know how fast I can talk and how and choked up I can get when I am upset. I got the story out and then she asked my name. I could not even say it - I just handed her my license. Who can't say their own name? She was so sweet and told me to wait for a moment and they would see me in the ultrasound room. I sat and waited - realizing I was alone; just like the last time when I heard the news about Hudson. I started praying - first that I would be going into a different ultrasound room and second that this was one of the 10% of the times that my intuition was wrong.

It was ultrasound time, and there it was, a little heartbeat beating 174bpm. I started sobbing. The lady was so sweet and understanding. I also mentioned to her about the fluid and how last week it measured at 3.5mm and she said she didn't do the screening, but a NT that big would show up like a bright light on her screen and she didn't see anything. What a blessing! We are still needing prayers that the fluid goes away - and that this baby is perfectly healthy, but isn't that such a statement to the power of prayer? After the ultrasound I went into a different room to talk to one of the NP's and she was great. My faith has been restored in this office (although I never lost faith in my actual OB - I adore her), but the past 3 visits before had not been pleasant. This time there was compassion and true concern for me and me needing reassurance. At least they know I am going to be a needy patient :)

Where's the medium?

The other night I was reading in the Bible and I had been searching and searching for a particular passage. I remembered the passage and then went to look it up and went to the wrong book of the Bible. I ended up going to Proverbs 17. I read it (thinking this sounds nothing like what I was looking for) and when I got verse 5 I stopped and starting thinking how the world is today. The verse reads:

Whoever mistreats the poor insults their Maker; whoever enjoys someone's trouble will be punished. Proverbs 17:5

I instantly started thinking about how we are in the world today - as humans. We love to watch in the media as celebrities face terrible times in their lives. Most recently - Tiger Woods. I do not think that what he did is excusable by any means - I will never condone cheating. What I don't understand is why - why do we have to celebrate and poke fun at the misfortune and mistakes of others? Why is everything from then on out about the mistake the person made? From the opposite spectrum we as humans also poke fun of those out there doing good deeds. Example - Tim Tebow. What a fine example of a young, Christian man - he sets a living example of how God's children should be and how we should treat others. Yet, he is ridiculed for having values and morals. He was made fun of for crying at his last college football game.

I should have written this post last night because John and I had a great conversation about the whole topic - which originally started because of what we are studying in our small group. Right now we are studying the Fruits of the Spirit. Faithfulness is what we are discussing in particular. Last night the discussion was on forgiveness with faithfulness. The reading was of Hosea (particularly Hosea 2:19-3:5). Hosea was called to buy his wife back; she was living with another man, cheating on him with everyone and anyone. He was told to buy her and forgive her, just like God forgave Israel. From there we started talking about the whole Tiger Woods saga and that's where the stuff from above came from.

I just thought it was interesting how there is no medium - we ridicule people for doing bad and we ridicule them for doing good - where is the medium?

Research

The more research I do on non-septated cystic hygromas the better I feel. I have already felt confident in knowing that this fluid is going to dissolve on its own, but I still wanted to know more about what we could be looking at possibly. In order to be prepared emotionally I need to know everything and be prepared for all that is possible. I have found studies that show 98% of non-septated cystic hygromas go away on their own without and complications! Isn't that wonderful?

After reading all of the information I kept thinking about something the specialist said to me. He said that some people would have already elected to terminate their pregnancies if something like this was found. What? Why? I was stunned. Terminating a pregnancy never even popped into my mind. Well, it did when I was preparing myself for questions I could possibly be asked in the "worst case scenario" event - had it happened. My firm answer,no matter how bad the diagnosis, would have been no - I would never terminate. I couldn't. I would feel guilty for the rest of my life. How could I take this healthy* baby's life away without even giving it a chance? How could I not even give God the chance to work His miracle? How could I play God?

The whole conversation keeps playing in my head - what the doctor said. I read blogs of women that carry their children knowing that they have been given an incompatible with life diagnosis. These women should be admired for their strength and faithfulness. They knew in the end there might be a chance they would see their living baby and those 2 minutes, 16 minutes, 7 hours that they were able to spend with their babies were more cherished than anything. I know I would have given anything to see the rise and fall of Hudson's little chest.

John and I were talking about the upcoming appointments and I told him I do not feel comfortable with having the amnio done at all. We agreed that as a last result , if this fluid does not go away we will have the amnio. The only reason being that we would want to be prepared in having the proper medical support in the delivery room. If the fluid does go away I am sure that anything else we need to know would be seen in the fetal echo cardiogram.

*I say healthy because that is what our doctor sees - and all he has seen - a growing healthy baby.

My Hubby

Each morning I check three things on the internet - e-mail, online banking, and facebook. This morning I opened my facebook to find a beautiful message that my wonderful husband posted on both my wall for all the see as well as a message. I wanted to share it with all of you. It's actually kind of ironic. You see the whole time I thought that besides getting strength from God I was getting strength from my dear sweet husband. He is so uplifting and positive. When I am down or feeling negative about something he is right there to bring me right back up. He has all the confidence in the world about everything that is going on right now - and confidence is what I desperately need. In the message he wrote he was getting his strength from me. Amazing how that works and how we can continue to lift each other up as we face whatever comes our way. I, like John, thank God everyday for giving me John as my husband and soulmate. Yet again another way that I have been so overly blessed in my life.

Message from John below:

"Hey honey I just got home and saw that you were sleeping so snug in the bed. So as usual to wind down I got on the computer to check my email and see what went on today in the world of facebook and I also like keeping up to date with your blog so I checked it out tonight, this morning, whatever :)....and so as I am reading your most recent posts I cant help but wonder how I ever managed to find you. You never cease to amaze me with your strength, courage, faith, and love for everything, no matter the situation. As I continue reading and reminiscing (sp) about the ups and downs we have had over the past few years, I cant help but to thank god everyday that he led me to you. Though we have had some misfortune in our lives recently, I look to you for reassurance that everything is alright. Your faith and positivity really is truly inspiring for me, as well as others. I am sorry to write a book on your wall, but as I read your blog posts, it really hit me....I am truly the luckiest person in the world to get to share my life with you. I honestly believe that whatever obstacle is put in our path, is never too big to overcome. Simply put, I love you and cherish every moment spent with you. I am so proud of you for your strength, love and courage. I am so happy to call you my wife. I love you dearly!!! Your hubby!"

Walking With You - Christmas

Walking With You was created by Kelly of Sufficient Grace Ministries to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. To join in on Walking With You please visit Kelly's blog.

If you are missing someone you love this Christmas, someone of ANY age who is spending Christmas with Jesus this year, join us on this very special Walking With You. We are sharing our Christmas memories and the ways that we remember our loved ones who have gone home to Heaven at Christmas time.

Christmas tree - check

Nativity Scene - check

Stockings - check

Gifts under the tree - slowly!

A toddler getting into the tree - missing....

Last year I prepared for Hudson to be here this Christmas. I bought a ceramic plate and mug set for Santa's cookies and milk; ornaments for the tree in his nursery...so many things for our little one. I imagined what it would be like to be able to buy gifts for our child and how he would be during Christmas - I couldn't wait to see his eyes light up and stare at the Christmas tree lights. I purchased the "Elf on a Shelf" to start a new family Christmas tradition....so many plans that have been postponed and that I must save for our next child. Who knew that 21 days after Christmas I would be giving birth to my son who had already gone to Heaven.

I remember on my list of "wants" for Christmas one thing in particular was the "Parents-to-be" ornament from Hallmark. I just HAD to have it. I absolutely LOVE ornaments; the stories they tell; and the memories that unfold as you put each one onto the tree. John was so sorry, but he wasn't able to find the ornament anywhere - you know how fast they sell out! Well, what a surprise when I opened up my stocking from my parents and there was the ornament! It was a document - stating that we were about to become parents.

We decorated our tree last night (on a side note - while everyone else in Savannah was running from the storms and tornadoes we were out buying a tree) and I came to the coveted ornament. I didn't know what to do - put it on the tree? put it in Hudson's chest? Hudson made us a mom and dad, but we won't be parents until 2010. I decided on putting the ornament up because it is part of my story. It is part of the timeline that goes along with my tree. John and I are still looking for the "perfect" Hudson ornament for this year and we will find it - we just haven't found one that sticks out.

Christmas is definitely a time when I miss Hudson the most. I love everything about Christmas - the story of Jesus, the trees, decorating, the music - everything! I wanted to be able to share this love and pass it along to our little one - it just looks as though I will have to wait one more to do that....

Thoughts

There are so many mixed emotions that float through my head daily - half the time the thought comes and goes before I have a chance to write about it. Then the though comes back and the cycle continues. Throughout this entire pregnancy I have felt so guilty about not being attached to baby #2. If you have not been through a similar experience I am sure you are completely shocked that one could not be attached to a baby. If all you know and associate being pregnant with is heartbreak and loss then it makes sense. It is normal to distance yourself to something that can at times be so uncertain. All that has happened the past few days with finding out that something could possibly be wrong with this baby made me realize that I would of course be devastated if something were to happen to this baby too. Of course I already knew that and I knew that getting pregnant a second time would be full of fear and mainly faith that God would lead me through the shadows of fear.



It is crazy to think that I would have to worry about something going wrong. We found the reasons from losing Hudson - so we should be set right? I am taking injection after injection and pill after pill to ensure that my body can properly nurture and care for this baby. That should be enough, right? Well, it's not. Now it has nothing to do with me and it's something with the baby. Something that no one but God has control over. Something that we must pray for everyday that it will go away and not harm my healthy baby. How does any of this seem fair? Does it make sense to you? I will be honest and tell you when we heard the news my first question and statement was in my head to God - "God, are you serious? Why me again? Haven't I proved how strong I am in having faith in you? Why does Satan continue to fight to lead me to his side? Doesn't he know by now I'm never going to stop having faith?" I think if we don't admit that we do ask God why then we aren't being honest with ourselves and others that we are ministering to. Of course we ask why. We just also know that the "whys" will be shown to us in His time.



At times I look at my own life - everything that has happened in the past 2 years and I think wow, look at everything John and I have been through together. Look at how our faith and our relationship with God has advanced. It is amazing that even though we have faced so many trials we still realize how overly blessed we truly are.



It is hard to think about something going wrong with this baby. Sometimes I wonder if I am more scared of losing this baby because I have been there and I know what it feels like already. I know what the heartache feels like and I am scared to face it again. Would I be mourning a child(ren) or the fact that I can't do what everyone else seems to be able to do without a hitch? I guess it would be all of the above - there is so much emotion that is involved in the whole subject matter. So many other factors that have contributed to my grief. This whole year has felt like a blur - like my life has stood still while everyone else continues about their business without fears.

Update!

Ok, so we have not a lot, but a lot of information. We had our specialist ultrasound today and there is definitely a fluid of some sort behind the neck area. This could be a non-septated cystic hygroma or it could be fluid from the amniotic sac. There is no way to tell for certain what is going on inside. The non-septated cystic hygroma is better than a septated - which would mean there would be many blockages and walls along the fluid build up. So that is a positive! The fluid measured at 3.5mm thick and anything above 2mm is when they see a red flag. The great new is that the fluid build up measured smaller today than yesterday. Already the power of prayer is working! There are three possibilities we have to sit and wait for - 1)that this is nothing and it goes away on its own 2) this could indicate a chromosomal abnormality 3)this could indicate a heart defect.

We will return to this same specialist at 16 weeks and then, if I elect to, we will also have amniocentesis. I would prefer not to have the amnio, so I am praying this will disperse by the power of God. Dr. Odom sounds very positive about everything and he knows that he sees a healthy baby and has vowed to do everything humanly possible to help our little one. At 22-24 weeks we will visit a doctor to do an ecocardiogram on the baby to check for any heart defects. As far as the chromosomal abnormalities there are a few different instances here. If it is a boy we can rule out Turner's syndrome; we will have to consider Trisomy 21 and lastly Trisomy 13 & 18 which I had read (and viewed from other blogger friends) have been given many incompatible with life prognosis'.

I know that none of this will happen because I have full faith in God and that He is watching our baby and this fluid will go away. Who knows, maybe the little "halo" is just Hudson holding and watching over his brother or sister. Please continue to pray as we sit and wait for this fluid to do what it is going to do. Please pray that the fluid will go away and that our baby will be a healthy little one ready to face the world. I know it is a cop-out to say that we have already been through so much when I know there are so many others that have been through so much more - I would love my happy ending with this little one. I know that the power is prayer is so strong and God can do anything. Please pray for Baby H - please add him/her to your prayer lists, groups, tell others to pray. I will be sure to update when we hear new information - it may be a few weeks when I can update on this particular situation, but we will be having more doctor visits before then!!

I will say that I am TRULY amazed at one big thing that happened today. Anytime (starting right when I got up) I started having a negative thought a hymn or praise song would loudly pop into my head. It was AMAZING! I could feel the power and presence of God and all that have been praying for us and our baby. What an experience....

Prayer Warriors!!

Update for week 10! We went to the doctor today for our 10 week ultrasound and check-up. The baby measured at 10w6d and had a heartbeat of 172 - both very healthy and lookd great! We have another active little one and he/she was moving around so much it took the doctor awhile to capture the heartbeat. The baby, yolk sac, placenta, cord - everything looks very healthy, normal, and great!

We are having to visit a perinatal specialist tomorrow for a second opinion of something Dr. Odom saw on the ultrasound. In the brain area he saw a little "halo" type shape where the brain was forming and thinks it might be a cystic hygroma. This is were fluid is trapped in the neck and cannot get out and causes lumps to form. The spinal area looked great, but it was just the halo around the brain that he is concerned about from the ultrasounds. There are a few different things that can happen here (coming from the Dr.). This can go away by itself or it could be a chromosomal dysfunction. A typical abnormality is Turner's syndrome. Tomorrow at 2PM we will find out and go from there with our options. So I ask each of you now to please get on your hands and knees and pray for this little one. We don't know for sure if something is wrong, but we still need to pray. Tell your friends, family, anyone to pray....

If you read this blog and have been through this please tell me what your outcome, options - everything....I want to be "in the know". Also - please post something on your blog to add more prayer warriors for our baby.

Going Public

Well, I couldn't hold it in any longer! John and I are expecting bundle of joy #2! We are due June 29th, 2010 and are very anxious to meet our little one. Please read the post dated posts to catch up on the journey! Starting here and then here, here, here, here, here, here, and here!!

8 weeks

We had another ultrasound and today I am 8w 2d and I am measuring at 8w 6d which is great! The heartbeat is going very strong at 181 bpm. Everything else inside measured great including the yolk sac. Dr. Odom is very pleased with the way everything is growing and looking. I will not go back until I am 10 weeks and that will be my last time to see him. I will then return to my regular OB who will actually be just returning to work herself. She has been battling breast cancer and will return with half days in December. I will be 12 weeks when I see her on December 15th. I am still taking all of the samw medicines, but will probably stop taking about 3 of them before 12 weeks. WHICH WILL BE GREAT!! I am so ready to live a "normal" life - not that I am complaining, but it takes a toll on your mind and body having to remember meds in the morning, shots in the morning, meds in the afternoon, meds at night, shots at night and then another shot twice a week. I think my hair might go gray. John has been a wonderful husband and has picked up duties that would normally be mine.

I had an eye exam yesterday (because one of the medicines I am on could cause burning of the retinas) and my eyes are perfect and I have 20/20 vision. This is one of the medicines that I will probably discontinue soon.

I am still dancing twice a week - teaching jazz/tap and taking ballet and tap; as well as walking. It's actually funny - I lost all of my pregnancy weight, plus more, before getting pregnant again and now I am wearing clothes I could barely fit in before getting married! I have not gained any weight as of yet, but I am prepared for when it happens! I am not eating very many sweets and doing everything possible to keep my diet on track by eating foods that will help my body. Luckily I had begun to ween myself off of sweets so it has not been too hard. Lately I cannot get enough of popsicles and chicken sandwiches......

To see their names...

One of the greatest gifts you can give to a mother who is learning life without her child is to remember the child's name, to write their name, and to honor the memory of the child. Thank you Danielle and Holly for remembering, writing, and honoring Hudson. Thank you for being such an amazing support to so many women on this journey of life after loss.

Grace's Wedding

On Saturday I headed to Valdosta for the day to watch Grace and Daniel tie the knot! Grace is one of my sorority sisters and she spent many afternoons napping on my couch between classes. The wedding was absolutely beautiful! It was held on a lake outdoors and the colors she chose matched perfectly with the natural settings and theme of the Quail Lodge where the wedding was held. The happy newly weds are now headed to their honeymoon destination of New York City!

Some of the decor

Mr. & Mrs. Force

Maggie, Virginia, Chelsey, Courtney, Brandy, Amy & me

Lexi, Grace and me

Jessica & Michelle

Ultrasound #2

We had our 7 week ultrasound today - yep I get weekly ultrasounds! Everything looked great! Dr. Odom is very pleased and said the baby looks very healthy. No nickname yet, we haven't found one that sounds right. The heartbeat was 160!! Which is excellent! The yolk sac (if you recall from last week Dr. O was concerned with the small size) has caught up and is at a normal size now. He said he's not sure if it's something that it did on it's own or if it is an effect from the medicine; either way something is working! Maybe some of you were praying for that yolk sac out there....

I am staying on the same medicines and nothing was added or subtracted from the "recipe". Today I measured ahead again at 7w 5d. By calculations I am 7w 2d, but Dr. O is happy to see me measuring ahead. I can't think of anything else that was said of importance....

The Secret Garden - October

The Secret Garden Meeting is a place for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted and to share our hearts.

This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby? How are you feeling? How do you hope you will feel in the future? Have you found any peace at all?

Where am I in my grief - a question that I hear from counselors, blogs, people, tons....the truth is I have no idea. I don't even know "where to be" with grief. I could say I am in one place, but the next day it might be a different answer. I just try and live each day and take what the day brings while trying to heal as best as I can. Lately I have been experiencing new parts to the grieving process - which will be explained later - and at times it can be me starting the whole process over again. It has only been 9 and 1/2 months so there is still more grieving and healing to go - it will be that way for the rest of my life here on Earth.

Right now, at this present day I have so many mixed emotions (I know some of this isn't making any sense, but it will soon) and I don't know which way to feel. In the future I know the grieving will get easier and the heart will heal with scars. I look forward to the day when I can live my life without the fear of losing another child in the womb. I look forward to the day when I can say I am happy and not jealous and mean it - though most of the time I do.

I am at peace with not having Hudson here anymore. I am not a dweller and I know that the reality is he is not here and he will never be here. In being a realist and having a cut and dry way of looking at life maybe that helps aide in peace - that and having a relationship with God. Knowing that this is all a part of His plan gives me the most peace of all.

Copied from Danielle's Blog:


Here we go! Our third Wednesday for Wyatt! It’s quite simple to participate. All you have to do is copy and paste this post on your blog, and come back here to link up with MckLinky! Once you do that, your all set to win a great giveaway.
So far, we are up to 1,443 signatures! Lets try to keep them steadily rolling in.
For those of you who are not familiar with my family and what we are trying to achieve, here’s a brief run down...
Our son Wyatt was diagnosed with a fatal condition at our 18 week ultrasound, but chose to carry him to term. We waited to meet our son with love, all the time praying we would get to see him alive.
On June 1, 2009, Wyatt made his way into the world by c-section. To our amazement he had a faint heartbeat and was breathing! He died two minutes later, but I’ve clung to the two minutes my son and I breathed the same air since his passing.
Upon calling to get a copy of Wyatt’s birth certificate, I found out he was listed as a stillborn. You would assume it was a mistake (like I did), but there was no mistake. According to the definition of live birth in Tennessee my son was not “alive enough” to be deemed a live born baby. His two minutes of life has gone unrecognized by my state, and I intend to change this piece of legislation so I can solidify the validity of my son’s short life.
Wednesdays for Wyatt was created to help spread awareness for a law that needs to be changed, as well as to generate more traffic to my petition. So if you’re reading this, thanks for taking the time to help our family!
This contest will be open today only. I will close MckLinky down sometime before midnight, so make sure you get linked up ASAP to make sure you are entered to win this giveaway! Thanks for helping everyone, and good luck.

7 weeks

Happy 7 weeks! Today has been a sick day. I was around so many "sickies" this weekend and I think it rubbed off on me. My throat has been sore and I ran a small temperature. All I did today was lay in the bed and tried to take the day as easy as possible. I am ready for Thursday because we have our next ultrasound that morning. The shots are starting to hurt more and more and I have not a clue why that is happening. Some of the other side effects have subsided, all except the nausea...so far I have not thrown up, but I feel like I am going to often.

Katie's Shower

Pictures from Katie's recent shower! She and Matt are due the beginning of February and will not be finding out if their "Pierogie" is a boy or girl until she makes her arrival. As you can see I am on "team girl". The shower was held at the Morris residence and hosted by Kristina and Cindy - all fellow alumna of VSU. After the shower (it was a couples shower) we went to eat dinner at a Japanese restaurant.

The grandparents with the parents-to-be

Cemeteries

I love them - but not for the reasons you would think. I find it peaceful to walk among the graves and read the names and dates of those that have passed away. I like to sit and create stories of what their lives were like when they roamed the Earth. Reading the quotes and inscriptions is the best part - I wonder how true those words about the deceased. It makes you wonder what will be inscribed on your own tomb and what people will think when they pass your gravestone. Will there be fresh flowers because you are visited everyday or will it be overgrown with weeds and dirt because no one remembers.

I say that I love cemeteries, but as I have mentioned it's not for reasons you would imagine - or if you could even imagine that one would love cemeteries. In saying this, yesterday was the first time John and I visited Hudson's grave site since Mother's Day and the first time we have been there since his marker was placed. (I can hear the gasps now.) We have our reasons - all of which could be listed below, but I have one major reason. I feel that Hudson is with me at all times. I can talk to him anytime or anywhere. His flesh is buried, but his soul is no where near that cemetery. So why - why go to a place that seeming immortalizes our loved ones? I know it's for respect and memories and a way to show tribute to those that we love, but what happens after everyone that remembers that person is gone? You are left with an unkempt grave with names, dates, and words.

It is also such a strange feeling seeing your child's name written on a grave marker. It fills you with sorrow and leaves you with an empty feeling. It is final - the end. Even before Hudson I never liked seeing gravestones for children - those left me feeling a sadness beyond sadness.

When we visit we always ask Hudson if he's made any new friends since we've seen him last as we look around for freshly dug graves. There were a couple of elderly women that have been buried there - one in February and one in March, but one caught our eyes. A 9-year old boy, Ashley Mosely that was killed in a car crash in August is buried diagonally from Hudson. I cannot help but wonder how it was to bury a child that you have grown to know and love while they grew and developed their own personality. I cannot help to imagine the hurt and pain his twin brother is feeling right now - knowing that he will never see his brother here on Earth.

So - I ask you. What do cemeteries mean to you and why do you feel the importance of having a place to visit your loved ones?

6 weeks & 1st Ultrasound

We had our first ultrasound and to quote the doctor everything was "excellent!". I was measuring at 6 weeks 1 day and the baby had a strong heartbeat of 116 bpm. The only part measuring a little small was the yolk sac - but besides measuring a little small it looked very healthy and normal. I am still being monitored very closely by the specialist - whom I will see up until 12 weeks and then he will be "in the shadows", so to speak, of my regular OB.

I am still giving myself injections twice a day with another one twice a week, daily vitamins and medicines and we will be adding one more medicine today. Everything (excluding the medicine I am adding today) is to help with blood flow which was the reason for everything with Hudson. The new medicine is to help an immune system abnormality and is likely to aid in the growth of the yolk sac. Dr. Odom wants to make sure we are still investigating all options for anything that could possibly go wrong; he does not want us to focus on just one issue (i.e. - blood flow) and then have something (i.e. - the immune system issue) sneak up on us.

Anything he finds he investigates heavily and he searches for ways to "fix" the problem. We left the visit on a very positive note - Dr. Odom wanted to assure us that he felt positive about everything and he was very pleased with the way everything is moving along. We will go again next week for another appointment and ultrasound. I do enjoy having so many ultrasounds - it always puts my mind at ease! I guess that is one positive to being labeled "high risk". I am still dancing (teaching jazz/tap and taking adult ballet/tap classes) and I am walking everyday. I was not given the okay to run - which is a bummer, but I can live with it. I had not been given the okay from my chiropractor to run either.

Happy Halloween!

Our first Halloween in our new house! I don't know who was more excited - me or the kids!! I took pictures of all the kids that came to our house. I will share just a few! The neighborhood we live in has a ton of kids and we were out of a HUGE bowl (plus) of candy by 8:30PM. I felt so bad having to turn off the lights! The funniest thing was overhearing a little girl trick-or-treating with her mom and when they were leaving one house she said, "Ok mom, can we go home now??"

I can't wait until my cousin blogs about my niece and cousin trick-or-treating. The way she described them as two little old ladies was hilarious!

Taking a Toll - 5 weeks

All the medicines, shots, and things I have to do are starting to take a toll on me - physically and emotionally. I want to say I am not complaining and that I am so happy to be having another baby. There is truth in that. I am ecstatic to be having baby #2 - I just miss baby #1. I miss Hudson. I still don't understand why me, the one who takes such wonderful care of herself, has to go through this ordeal. It really makes no sense at all. I watch pregnant women all over stuffing their faces with sweets and fast food while I feel guilty about eating a small french fry from McDonald's or a bite sized twix bar. I drink water like it is about to stop running and watch other preggos drink their diet cokes and gulp down sweet tea after sweet tea. I take care of myself and I am taking care of the baby inside of me - just like I took care of Hudson. So why was I dealt the cards full of injections and pills? The injections are also making me bloated - so you can imagine how it was hearing from my ballet instructor, "I know you have this little tummy, but just tuck in here". I'm 5 weeks and already appear to be showing. I don't think I could be, it's just gas and bloat.



Today was just an all-round bad day starting with construction workers nailing a fence at 6AM, followed by a train that lasted forever, followed by people blocking the gate I have to open at work, followed by me having contact with the general public. At this point I think I am having a girl - maybe even twin girls - due to all the mood swings. Then again it could be the anxiety and stress I am feeling. At this point I have no idea.



So, to end this post yes I am so excited about our baby and I cannot wait to me him or her!! It would be a lie to say that I am going to just sit back an enjoy this pregnancy. I am going to enjoy it, but please also realize all I can think about is the "what ifs" because I have had the "what ifs" happen to me. I have buried my child that I did not get to finish carrying, but that I carried for 30 weeks. I have been there and I really would like to get my happy ending this time. It may be easy for you to sit and say, just have faith and trust in God and all the other cliches people say. I do have faith, I do trust in God, and I pray to Him every night to take away these feelings and I pray that everything will be okay. Just remember this when you judge me for what I have written - I prayed every night while I was pregnant with Hudson too. My faith is that God has a reason for everything He does - it's not that He's going to let things happen the way I want them to end.

Wednesday's for Wyatt!

Help Danielle in the quest for acknowledging the birth of all children in Tennessee. Please read the story I copied from her blog below:

Here we go! Our second Wednesday for Wyatt! It’s quite simple to participate. All you have to do is copy and paste this post on your blog, and come back here to link up with MckLinky! Once you do that, your all set to win a great giveaway. Kristi, on of the dear women who follow my family's story has generously donated some handmade buckeye's jewelry. Thank you Kristi!
Over the last week we have gotten 123 new signatures! Over 100 of those we got last Wednesday alone. And we had 34 wonderful bloggers link up... I can't wait to see how much Wednesdays for Wyatt will grow this week!

For those of you who are not familiar with my family and what we are trying to achieve, here’s a brief run down...

Our son Wyatt was diagnosed with a fatal condition at our 18 week ultrasound, but chose to carry him to term. We waited to meet our son with love, all the time praying we would get to see him alive.

On June 1, 2009, Wyatt made his way into the world by c-section. To our amazement he had a faint heartbeat and was breathing! He died two minutes later, but I’ve clung to the two minutes my son and I breathed the same air since his passing.

Upon calling to get a copy of Wyatt’s birth certificate, I found out he was listed as a stillborn. You would assume it was a mistake (like I did), but there was no mistake. According to the definition of live birth in Tennessee my son was not “alive enough” to be deemed a live born baby. His two minutes of life has gone unrecognized by my state, and I intend to change this piece of legislation so I can solidify the validity of my son’s short life.
Wednesdays for Wyatt was created to help spread awareness for a law that needs to be changed, as well as to generate more traffic to my petition. So if you’re reading this, thanks for taking the time to help our family!

This contest will be open today only. I will close MckLinky down sometime before midnight, so make sure you get linked up ASAP to make sure you are entered to win this giveaway! Thanks for helping everyone, and good luck.

Not Fair...

I have to leave this every morning to go to work....not fair!!