Happily Henninger: Hudson

Showing posts with label Hudson. Show all posts

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Our New Life

Well, we have had Mr. Harrison for a full 2 weeks now. Life is good and we are immensely blessed. Heidi is an amazing big sister and she loves to help out with Harrison. Heidi will hold him, help with his bath, help in changing his diaper, everything. If it were possible she would try and nurse him. I am not quite sure she understands exactly how it all works. There has been a major change in our household, besides the addition of a newborn. John, Harrison, and I got home on Wednesday the 3rd and Heidi asked to nurse that night. Then on Thursday afternoon when I was laying down with her for a nap {at this point my "new" milk had come in} and she asked to nurse as usual, except this time she stopped and told me that, "my boobies were yucky now because baby brother had been chewing on them". Ever since then she has not asked to nurse. Then last night {4/13} Heidi asked me "when baby brother isn't born anymore can I nurse?" I think it makes her a little sad. I know I am sad. Of course I knew the day would come when she would no longer nurse, but I am not sure if I was quite ready yet. I know - call me weird.

This morning I took Harrison back to the hospital for his out-patient hearing test because he did not pass the two in the hospital. He passed today - yay! Most likely he still had fluid in his ears when he took the first two. I was very thankful that everything went well today.

It is amazing how "easy" everything seems with a newborn. Obviously having Heidi we have a little experience under our belt so that most definitely makes everything seem a little easier. I feel less stressed and a lot less anxious. I do not find myself staring at the pack-n-play and not sleeping for fear something is going to happen. The fact that Harrison is even in the pack-n-play and not sleeping on my chest like Heidi did is amazing in itself. Heidi sleeps in the bed with us, so it is not even possible to think about having Harrison sleep in the bed with us as well. Night time is much better with Harrison, maybe because we know what to expect? He wakes up when he needs his diaper changed and that coincides with needing to eat. So, we change him and feed him, put him back in his bed and then repeat. I usually get about 2-3 consecutive hours of sleep, but that has been normal starting about 2-3 months ago. I am definitely not as tired as I was so I am thankful for that.

So far Harrison just hangs out and sleeps a lot. Heidi would not be happy unless we were holding her. If she lasted 10 minutes in the bouncer for me to shower that was considered a success. Many times when John or I were home alone with Heidi we would be anxious for the other to get home to take a shower. Harrison will hang out in the bouncer or on a pillow or in your lap - anywhere. On days Heidi has school I can actually get things around the house done. Mornings are 100% less stressful for me and I love it. Hopefully I will be able to stay at home permanently because I have a feeling that I just won't be able to go back to work this time. It was hard last time and now with being able to feel such a major difference it will be even worse.

I'm so excited that we have a little boy here. Sometimes I catch myself almost calling him Hudson which is strange, but I feel it slip off my tongue constantly. We did not have an official name for Harrison until he was born so maybe I'm just not used to it yet. The only other baby boy was Hudson and I am so used to talking about him as our little boy, but now we have another sweet little boy who is amazing as well. {by the way, if you are wondering the other names on our list - Hamilton and Hampton - those names and Harrison were the only three names we had for the longest time}.

More later - and I promise to add pictures next time :)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

VLOG - Still Life With Circles

Yes, I am here - I still exist :) Taking part in Angie's blog - still life with circles - and posting a VLOG (video blog?) where we are to read a post from a time in the past. I picked a post from July 2009 when I was participating in a weekly devotional type of blog.

A few sidebars:
- The camera does not like me.
- I have no make-up on and I look scary. I may rethink the strike against make-up.
- I make strange faces when talking to a camera and my mouth makes weird shapes.
- My shirt is too small so I will definitely be getting a larger one on Friday before I run in the Rock-n-Roll marathon....

Part 1

Part 2 (because I was videoing from my phone and my husband called and I had already done about a billion takes and I didn't want to start over again!!) HA!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Attitude

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

~Winston Churchill

Have you ever thought about the thoughts that run through your mind each day? I did this week and it put me in such a horrible mood. There are some things in life that I am really having a hard time dealing with. One major problem is ending sentences with prepositions, but not one that I am going to try and fix right at the moment. I feel like I am letting my thoughts/opinions about others and their actions take control over my attitude. Does that make sense? I become angry for no reason. The anger is in my head only - never at a person. For instance, people constantly complaining about not having money and then they are talking about vacations they are going on or things they got for Christmas. Another is people "listening" to you and then going on to compare their life with yours when it is really like comparing apples to oranges. Other times its when people offer to do something for you and its only on their time and not when you are ready. Its hard to explain without telling full stories. Regardless I have been letting the attitudes of others and how they handle things influence my attitude. The past few days I have been going about my own business and I have stopped worrying about how others are living their lives and my annoyances with them. I have found myself to be a much happier person in doing this.

Another thing I really have a hard time with (and sorry if this hurts anyone's feelings - please do not take it personally) is children that were born after Hudson and before Heidi. I sometimes feel so jealous because I was there first, but yet I am last. Hudson would have been born first and I would be the one to know what to do first and I would not have to ask things to them. They would have been asking me. It really shouldn't matter, but it does. It doesn't make me not like the children, it just makes me sad and I don't like being sad. I should have a two year old, but I don't and that is still such a harsh reality that I don't think people understand.

Friday, February 4, 2011

2 Years - late

No, I didn't forget. You never forget. Even though my ears are filled with the most joyous laughter and new word developing sounds; I still remember the day there was no sound. Its as clear as if it happened 10 minutes ago - hard to believe it was 2 years ago on January 16th. Some nights I am haunted by the silence. The only sound being my tears and my fight to be strong. In the day time during day dreams I have flashbacks of the soft little bundle I held that laid there unmoving. Still to this day I wonder what would have happened had they performed an ultrasound the week before. I should have been more insistent.

There is such a conflict of emotions. Hudson and Heidi were both born on the 16th of their birth months. When we celebrate a new month with Heidi its hard not to think how old Hudson would be. With each new milestone or development we celebrate with Heidi, its a constant reminder of what we didn't get to celebrate with him. Everything seems so bittersweet, yet I am able to separate the two emotions. Somehow it all works. I am still waiting for the "one day" to happen. You know the "one day" when it won't sting so bad when people say certain things. I am waiting for the "one day" when it will be easier to be happy for what others have rather than be sad about what I have lost.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Thank You

Over the past couple of weeks I have realized what this blog really is "doing". It isn't just a place I go to write my thoughts out or a place to record our family journal - which is why I originally started writing. I really "got into" blogging the more I read from other women who had experienced the loss of a child. It has been a place to go to write - something I love to do. My grammar and proofreading can be atrocious at times, and I write exactly as I speak - including how I jump from one topic to another. I never thought about who would read this blog or if anyone would even be reading - and neither really influenced my decision to have a blog. One major lesson I have learned is that when you experience an event like John and I did, and with it being an event that we could not keep hidden, others want to know how you are handling your experience.

As a Christian you are looked upon differently when times get tough because lets be honest - it is easy to "act Christianly" when you slide through life without any bad experiences or hardships. Its easy to remain positive and upbeat and say that "everything is gonna be alright" when you haven't had to face trials. I was obviously pregnant and my whole grieving process was therefore public knowledge - whether because of being from a small town, facebook, going to a semi-small college, etc.; either way there was no way to escape. So what else could I have done but put my big girl panties on and let others see what was really going on - the good and bad. Doesn't it make it easier to know that there is someone facing the same trials as you? That others have been there? That you can still believe that God is good no matter what is thrown at you? It is even easy to be on this blog and pretend to always have the best attitude no matter what is thrown your way. What good would all of that do? Nothing - absolutely nothing because it would be fake and others would only become discouraged after reading the blog knowing that they were mad and had a hard time "having a Christian attitude" when times were tough.

Why is it that we try to mask our emotions and only let others see the good? Sometimes there just isn't good - sometimes life really kicks you in the butt and it stinks. Then when that happens what good does it do to have a pity party about your troubles? Nothing - there is no good in self wallowing. Letting others see your vulnerability, I have learned, is what helps others triumph over their hard times. You know the saying about being stronger in numbers? I think it comes into play in this situation because knowing there are others struggling in your same area makes you feel better instead of thinking "why does this have to happen to me". You have someone you can relate to go go to for help.

The past few weeks God has continued to shower me with blessings - blessings that come in the form of good friends, great friends, and friends that I have lost regular contact with. The messages I have gotten lately from friends that have been reading my blog have brought me to tears. Partly because I never knew what an impact this blog, my thoughts, my feelings, Hudson...what they have done to have an impact on others. Laying it all out there and having Hudson's death truly have meaning and purpose has come alive because of you; and I thank you for that, for making that dream of mine come true.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Secret Garden - October

The Secret Garden Meeting is a place for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted and to share our hearts.

This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby? How are you feeling? How do you hope you will feel in the future? Have you found any peace at all?

Where am I in my grief - a question that I hear from counselors, blogs, people, tons....the truth is I have no idea. I don't even know "where to be" with grief. I could say I am in one place, but the next day it might be a different answer. I just try and live each day and take what the day brings while trying to heal as best as I can. Lately I have been experiencing new parts to the grieving process - which will be explained later - and at times it can be me starting the whole process over again. It has only been 9 and 1/2 months so there is still more grieving and healing to go - it will be that way for the rest of my life here on Earth.

Right now, at this present day I have so many mixed emotions (I know some of this isn't making any sense, but it will soon) and I don't know which way to feel. In the future I know the grieving will get easier and the heart will heal with scars. I look forward to the day when I can live my life without the fear of losing another child in the womb. I look forward to the day when I can say I am happy and not jealous and mean it - though most of the time I do.

I am at peace with not having Hudson here anymore. I am not a dweller and I know that the reality is he is not here and he will never be here. In being a realist and having a cut and dry way of looking at life maybe that helps aide in peace - that and having a relationship with God. Knowing that this is all a part of His plan gives me the most peace of all.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

9 Months

Nine months ago today we received the news that devastated our lives. Our little Hudson was no longer with us. Then came the decisions, the painful choices and events. Nine months. In nine months a life could have been created and born. In our nine months we have buried a child, lost a job, found a new job, welcomed many new babies into the world, watched our house being built from beginning to end, bought our house, moved in our house, you see where I am going, right? It seems like an eternity, but yet it's really not that long ago that I was still pregnant. On this nine month anniversary we celebrated Hudson's life. My family, friends, John, and I lifted our balloons and released them to the sky in memory and in honor of Hudson. Not just for Hudson, but for all of the babies out there who are in Heaven. Candles were lit at 7PM all OVER THE WORLD - as a wave of continuous burning light - in order for these precious children to be remembered. The symbolism is much greater than any one human being can imagine. It's not only to remember these children, but it is to honor those that have walked this cruel and grief filled walk. To let them know that you are there for them - with love, actions, words, thoughts, and most importantly prayers.

The afternoon came and I checked my social website where friends already began to post pictures of their balloons and candles lit. I cannot even describe the feeling. To know that so many took the time out of their busy days, to stand in the rain, and release a balloon for Hudson. I began weeping at I the pictures started being posted. Maybe some tears for Hudson, but more for happiness. Happiness that those around a recognizing the life of Hudson and remembering him and all of the other babies. Friends and family posted about the day on their statuses and others would comment about their children that are no longer with us, that they never knew of such a day. Knowing that more people are being educated about this day is such a great feeling. I wish that we did not have a day like this because it is full of sadness, but I am glad we do have one to remember these children.

Below are some pictures from the balloon release and candle lighting. To those friends and family - thank you so much for celebrating with us and for honoring John, Hudson, (Hunter), and I in this wonderful way. We are blessed beyond imagination. **NOTE** I still have more pictures to add, including my own!!**

My cousins Blaine & Aislin and niece Olivia

Woodstock, GA