Saturday, March 28, 2009
I had mentioned in a previous blog that one of my biggest fears is that everyone will forget my son. Now I am sure that everyone will keep his memory alive and remember him forever. Maybe I needed this day for closure. I know I built this day up in my head and prepared myself emotionally, but it was a much better day than I thought it would be. Again, thanks to God, my family, friends, and amazing husband I got through the day feeling better than ever. I know that I will forever have Hudson in my heart. I also know that I can continue on with my life without being broken. Yes, losing Hudson broke my heart, but it is healing - not overnight, but each day it grows a little more.
On a side note - I am joining a book club. My friend and I have decided to start one rather than talk about babies and pregnancy =) Nurturing my mind!
Friday, March 27, 2009
When I began this piece, I thought it was a tribute to myself… to my act of being a mother. I wanted to portray my feelings of giving everything I had to a child that was oblivious of my love. The planning, nurturing, worrying and delivery of this child was no easy task. The figure is naked, empty and uncomfortable. She has no identity. She is just the vessel that was used to bring this life into existence.This wood sculpture was made out of 1“ x 12” white pine. That is just about the most regular piece of wood to buy. But as I glued the pieces together, and cut away the unneeded excess, I realized the personality that was in the wood. It was special. No matter what I did to it, I couldn’t change the predestined purpose that the wood was created for. When I stopped fighting and gave in to the direction that the wood wanted to go, it began to develop as a piece of art that had meaning and purpose. Instead of me conforming the material, its destiny was revealed to me. As I cut into the wood, I envisioned the hidden content, as if the form was hidden and it was my job to find it. I kept seeing it like a jawbreaker. You know how when you suck on a jawbreaker, it changes colors? Usually I can’t wait to see it so I bite it in half to see the rings. That is how I saw the wood. But now, I took great care to keep the underlying form intact. Michelangelo once said, “ I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”I came to love working on it. I looked forward to the freezing cold mornings when I would go outside to carve and sand. I didn’t mind breathing in the dust that would make me sneeze all day. I even justified the blisters that developed on my fingers. I cared for it and nurtured it just as if it were a child. That is when I understood that the sculpture represented the love that a mother has for the baby that she gives birth to. Even though pregnancy is hard with the sleepless nights, stretch marks, weight gain and everything else, it is trivial when a mother holds her child for the first time.I didn’t understand why I was drawn to this subject. Through my struggles as an artist I have learned to let God be my inspiration. I didn’t really want to make a sculpture that had a theme of the pain that love brings to all mothers. I just knew that I was supposed to. In the middle of it’s creation, I learned that a friend of mine had just received the worst news that I could imagine. Her unborn son’s heart had stopped beating. She was about to endure the pain that was represented in this sculpture. She was giving everything she had to a child that couldn’t, for now, understand the enormity of her love. All I could think of was of the pain that she must be in. My heart hurt for her. My soul hurt for her.I looked at the sculpture and saw her. At that moment I understood this inspiration. God had a plan. Weeks earlier, He knew that my friend was going to feel the deepest pain that is imaginable to a mother. He knew that, as a mother, I could relate. As I looked at the hole in my figure’s center, I understood that it represented the place that once nurtured and loved this baby. It is now an empty cavity that is not only absent of a child but of the heart that she so willingly gave it. The figure doesn’t recognize her own nudeness because her concentration is on the child that is swaddled in her warm and caring arms. She is oblivious to all that is around her as she looks at the miracle that lies in her arms. Then, I saw where a crack had formed down the center of her face and into the face of her baby. It almost represents the division that they were enduring.In a way, I believe that during this painful time, God has swaddled and loved my friend like this baby. I know that He cries and hurts deeply as He holds His sweet daughter in his arms. If our love is just a small measure of what God’s love is, I think that my friend’s baby is being well taken care of. I know that God is swaddling and nurturing this very sweet baby until his mommy is there is do it for Him. –Michelle Thaxton
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I have anxiety when I am left alone with a child; mainly because I am scared something dreadful will happen that I can't control. I also always knew that something would be wrong with me when it was my time to have children. Not that anything has been my fault, but I had a strange intuition that child baring would not come easy to me. Everyone else in my family (and most friends) hashad such an easy time with getting pregnant, staying pregnant and having healthy children, but you know how there is always that "one" in every family that things don't easily happen for? Well, I just knew it would be me. Call me pessimistic - which I am definitely not, but I like to prepare myself for the worst.
Usually I am so upbeat and positive and while I haven't lost that attitude I think this week has just been a sad one for me. Tomorrow would be the day we should have met Hudson for the first time outside of pregnancy. A girl that was due the day before me had her baby on Monday and all I could think about was that should be me....Hudson should still be inside of me squirming to get out of my overstretched belly. Instead I am working my hardest to lose my belly and the last 8 pounds of pregnancy weight. I haven't even lost the little dark line that forms below the belly button.
Oh well, soon everything will be easier - it has only been 2 months after all.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
That night we packed and got ready to catch our morning flight back home....
Thursday, March 19, 2009
During the night we had a dinner to go to - sort of an awards dinner. We listened to the CEO Brian Dunn speak about the company, watched a slide show, ate dinner, and enjoyed the award show. John's store all decided to dress alike in black in pink...
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
First time in the Pacific Ocean!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The view from our room
After registering and getting settled we headed to Dave and Busters to eat dinner and play some fun games! The place also has a bowling ally and some other great shopping venues.
John & I @ Dave & Busters
Friday, March 13, 2009
Its truly amazing how God speaks to you through life tribulations and trials. Never has He spoken so clearly to me. He has been knocking at my door and even though I have always been a Christian I have never been one to talk about my faith. Having faith was always a private affair in my life. I see now that God does not want me to be private about my belief in Him and I am completely encouraged by how others are reading my latest stories and wanting to learn more about what God can do in their lives.
Its funny, I have always wanted to have "a story". Not just any story, but one of those stories that really impact a person's life - like the ones missionaries tell or people that never believed in God can tell. They always talked about how off track their lives were and how everything changed when they found God. I was always secretly jealous because I have known God my whole life and I would never have a cool story to tell others. Well, God has definitely given me a story - and one that is making in difference in my life. Its not only that I wanted to have a story, but I wanted to be able to USE the story. The fact is I am ecstatic that I have a story that will be able to help others; those that might be going through similar situations or just those curious blog searchers.
I have also found myself going back to my original life plan in becoming a counselor. With my new experiences I want to be able to help others going through similar events. Hopefully starting next spring I will be a graduate student obtaining my masters. The short plan is to have my degree within three years - all depending upon getting a job (if needed) and having kids. We know we want to have kids and we would love to have a couple within the next few years, so we are planning for that also - if it is meant to happen; even if its through adoption. Making a difference in others lives means a lot to me and I want to try and do that as much as I can and lately I feel that God has been calling me to do that. If it is meant to be then it will happen! Let His Will be done :)
Saturday, March 7, 2009
This year has been rough - never have I experienced so much sadness and grief. Everything became a little clearer today after a conversation with my mom. We were talking about how others have been inspired by my faith, my enthusiasm, and my outlook on life during the past few months. I joked that if the Lord wanted me to inspire others He could have just told me instead of all of this happening - I would have found a way. She said that its not the Lord doing this; its Satan. Of course I know that the Lord does not willingly bring affliction or cause grief to His people (Lamentations 3:33), but I had never thought about Satan trying to bring me to his side - "the dark side". As I got into my car I laughed - I literally laughed at Satan. I am not easily influenced - how is it that he thinks I would come to join him in his demonic world? Why would I chose him over God? Then I started thinking about how at rough times people become angry at God when they should really be yelling at Satan and demanding that he leave them alone.
So this is my new plan, you can use it too, but I know its going to work for me. Each day as I thank God for what He is doing in my life and all that He has given me I am going to thank Satan for pushing me closer to God. I'm going to thank him for using me as an example to others and thank him that through me I am able to encourage other believers of God and inspire others that have not given themselves to God yet. I am going to laugh at him as more people turn to God while he tries to turn me against Him. I now feel that if I changed, encouraged, or set a godly example to one person at my ex-place of employment then my job was a success and the "lay-off" is now more of a "move-off". My time there was done and its time to move on to another group of people that need me and my faith in their daily life. I feel honored that God is using me and I am encouraged that He knows how strong I am. I always knew I was strong - that John and I have a strong marriage, but I never knew we were THIS strong. He knows that I am able to fight off Satan and all his influences - really why would anyone want to trade in an artificial happiness with Satan for a few years when they have all of eternity with God to look forward to? So, as we reflect on what has happened to me these past few months know that I am ok, I am better than ok. I am seeing things in a better light and know that I have a special purpose.
I thank all of you for your prayers and thoughts and ask you to keep on praying and not only for me, but for those that I am meant to encourage and lead by example to have relationships (or better relationships) with Christ. Pray that many others will do as I have done and kick Satan to the curb laughing at him all the way.
Friday, March 6, 2009
For those of you that do not know about the March of Dimes here is a brief summary of what they do. Their mission is to improve the health of babies by preventing defects, premmature birth, and infant mortality. They do this through research, community services, education and advocacy to save babies lives. For more information please visit their website and maybe you will want to help out in giving more babies a chance at life - http://marchofdimes.com/