Thursday, December 3, 2009


There are so many mixed emotions that float through my head daily - half the time the thought comes and goes before I have a chance to write about it. Then the though comes back and the cycle continues. Throughout this entire pregnancy I have felt so guilty about not being attached to baby #2. If you have not been through a similar experience I am sure you are completely shocked that one could not be attached to a baby. If all you know and associate being pregnant with is heartbreak and loss then it makes sense. It is normal to distance yourself to something that can at times be so uncertain. All that has happened the past few days with finding out that something could possibly be wrong with this baby made me realize that I would of course be devastated if something were to happen to this baby too. Of course I already knew that and I knew that getting pregnant a second time would be full of fear and mainly faith that God would lead me through the shadows of fear.

It is crazy to think that I would have to worry about something going wrong. We found the reasons from losing Hudson - so we should be set right? I am taking injection after injection and pill after pill to ensure that my body can properly nurture and care for this baby. That should be enough, right? Well, it's not. Now it has nothing to do with me and it's something with the baby. Something that no one but God has control over. Something that we must pray for everyday that it will go away and not harm my healthy baby. How does any of this seem fair? Does it make sense to you? I will be honest and tell you when we heard the news my first question and statement was in my head to God - "God, are you serious? Why me again? Haven't I proved how strong I am in having faith in you? Why does Satan continue to fight to lead me to his side? Doesn't he know by now I'm never going to stop having faith?" I think if we don't admit that we do ask God why then we aren't being honest with ourselves and others that we are ministering to. Of course we ask why. We just also know that the "whys" will be shown to us in His time.

At times I look at my own life - everything that has happened in the past 2 years and I think wow, look at everything John and I have been through together. Look at how our faith and our relationship with God has advanced. It is amazing that even though we have faced so many trials we still realize how overly blessed we truly are.

It is hard to think about something going wrong with this baby. Sometimes I wonder if I am more scared of losing this baby because I have been there and I know what it feels like already. I know what the heartache feels like and I am scared to face it again. Would I be mourning a child(ren) or the fact that I can't do what everyone else seems to be able to do without a hitch? I guess it would be all of the above - there is so much emotion that is involved in the whole subject matter. So many other factors that have contributed to my grief. This whole year has felt like a blur - like my life has stood still while everyone else continues about their business without fears.


JamieW said...

I understand. I had 2 miscarriages before my first son (who survived). When I was pregnant with Oliver (my second son who died) I let myself love and get vulnerable much more than with my first son. Even though I lost him at 38 weeks, I think he gave me the greatest gift ever of letting me love him for those 38 weeks. It hurts when things don't work out the way they are supposed to but you'll never take for granted any moment with your child.

Wendy said...

I completely understand your emotions. After a miscarriage in March of 2008, I went into labor 4 months early with my son Bryson. He lived, on earth, for 13 days before going to live with Jesus. Today is his due date. Emotions are all over the place. Even with the faith that can't be moved, I think we've lost our innocence of having a peaceful, worry free pregnancy in the future. Yes, we question God, but more importantly, we trust Him. Thanks for sharing your honest feelings. It helps validate mine.
We will continue to pray for the health of your precious baby and for strength for his/her Mommy & Daddy.

Holly said...

It doesn't seem fair that after losing Hudson that you have to worry about this baby too. I am praying that everything will be ok. I want it so much for you and John. Keep having faith in Him.

Missing Kasey said...

It is not fair and I pray you don't have to go through it again! I understand your fear, I am pregnant again and honestly don't know what I would do if I had 2 children in heaven. Stay strong and I pray that the fluid goes away. Sending you lots of love and hugs!


Stacy D said...

Everything you have shared here makes so much sense... about not being ready/able to bond with baby #2, about the fear... it all makes so much sense.

Thank you for sharing so authenitcally.

Still praying for your hearts, for God's perfect peace to calm your fears, for His intervention and healing, and for protection over baby H #2.

Toni C said...

I enjoyed reading your thoughts, my dear (sniff, sniff). I have never lost a child, heck, I've never been pregnant... I don't know the pain of the loss or the thrill of the gain but I thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your thoughts put many things into perspective. I pray that all goes well with the little one growing inside you and that you never have another loss. Lots of love and unlimited hugs being sent your way!

Angela said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you.....Beth brought you to my attention. ((hugs))

Praying Jeremiah 29:11 and Ephesians 3:20 over your pregancy, delivery and your precious child within your womb.

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