Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Taking a Toll - 5 weeks

All the medicines, shots, and things I have to do are starting to take a toll on me - physically and emotionally. I want to say I am not complaining and that I am so happy to be having another baby. There is truth in that. I am ecstatic to be having baby #2 - I just miss baby #1. I miss Hudson. I still don't understand why me, the one who takes such wonderful care of herself, has to go through this ordeal. It really makes no sense at all. I watch pregnant women all over stuffing their faces with sweets and fast food while I feel guilty about eating a small french fry from McDonald's or a bite sized twix bar. I drink water like it is about to stop running and watch other preggos drink their diet cokes and gulp down sweet tea after sweet tea. I take care of myself and I am taking care of the baby inside of me - just like I took care of Hudson. So why was I dealt the cards full of injections and pills? The injections are also making me bloated - so you can imagine how it was hearing from my ballet instructor, "I know you have this little tummy, but just tuck in here". I'm 5 weeks and already appear to be showing. I don't think I could be, it's just gas and bloat.

Today was just an all-round bad day starting with construction workers nailing a fence at 6AM, followed by a train that lasted forever, followed by people blocking the gate I have to open at work, followed by me having contact with the general public. At this point I think I am having a girl - maybe even twin girls - due to all the mood swings. Then again it could be the anxiety and stress I am feeling. At this point I have no idea.

So, to end this post yes I am so excited about our baby and I cannot wait to me him or her!! It would be a lie to say that I am going to just sit back an enjoy this pregnancy. I am going to enjoy it, but please also realize all I can think about is the "what ifs" because I have had the "what ifs" happen to me. I have buried my child that I did not get to finish carrying, but that I carried for 30 weeks. I have been there and I really would like to get my happy ending this time. It may be easy for you to sit and say, just have faith and trust in God and all the other cliches people say. I do have faith, I do trust in God, and I pray to Him every night to take away these feelings and I pray that everything will be okay. Just remember this when you judge me for what I have written - I prayed every night while I was pregnant with Hudson too. My faith is that God has a reason for everything He does - it's not that He's going to let things happen the way I want them to end.

1 comment:

Sharon Holbrooks said...

If anyone judges you, they're fools. How could you not be afraid, scared, worried, and all those other feelings? I can't imagine how you make it through each day, but just know you are still one the STRONGEST women I have ever encountered. And this whole time, you think, pray for, and grieve Hudson. But it doesn't mean you don't love Baby #2 you just loved Baby #1 and will ALWAYS miss him. You amaze me.

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