Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
It was strange being in the hospital. You know how smells bring back memories? I had to go about the labor and delivery after care just like I did with Hudson. The same products were used, etc. So instantly those smells took me back 17 months. Talk about a mix of emotions. I just gave birth to my daughter and now I have the same smells to associate with her birth. Crazy how now a smell with make me happy and sad for two different reasons.
We stayed in the hospital a total of 3 nights - we were so ready to get home! There is no way to recover in a hospital with people coming in left and right and poking and prodding you everywhere. By the way - child birth is one of the most humiliating things by the way that everyone is inspecting you and checking you out. It really gets uncomfortable. Really. Friday came and we knew it was time for us to go home! YAY! As soon as our new nurse came in our first question was, "how long until we cane leave?" The nurse said she only had to fill out the paperwork and then we could leave within the next hour. It was about 2 hours later and we were released! I rode in the little wheelchair - with Heidi in my arms. Ahh...what a moment. John had already loaded the car up and then he went ahead and grabbed the car. I sat in the little tunnel area in the wheelchair silently sobbing because this moment was so intense - my arms were full and I was bringing one of our babies home. So surreal. Sometimes I still cannot even believe that we have a baby in our house and she's staying.
Heidi already loves her hands and she has so much personality with them. She will throw one in the air and turn her face so fast! She makes the cutest little faces and noises when she's about to nurse. When she's sleeping she makes little puppy dog sounds and we love every second we have spent with her. Sometimes we sit and just stare at her and there are moments when she looks so much like Hudson it is crazy. These few weeks will be the only times we will be able to compare her looks to Hudson, but as she grows I think we will be able to see Hudson live on through her by seeing how he might have grown to look.
Last night Heidi was sleeping on me - one of my favorite things to do - and I was sitting there just memorizing every bit of her. She was only wearing a diaper at the time, but it made me sad that slowly memories of holding Hudson and memorizing his little body were disappearing. All that will soon be left are the pictures and fuzzy recollections of things. It is such a hard balancing act of honoring Hudson and his memory while being so excited to celebrate Heidi being here and enjoying her life. There is no way to even compare how the both of them have had an impact on my life; each of them in their own special way. I used to wonder how I would be able to raise Heidi (before we were pregnant with her and while I was pregnant with her) without making her feel inferior to Hudson. I now know that I would never be able to make her feel that way. She has already brought so much joy and life into our little family and it is an indescribable feeling.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
- I am asking for help! I asked my sister and mom to come and help me set up the nursery and help with baby things around the house. They have been fantastic and I couldn't ask for a better mom or sister. They have truly been such a blessing in my life. If you recall I had still not set up a nursery (the furniture arrived the same day as Heidi!) and I still had not cut tags or opened items. So as you can imagine there was a lot to do! My mom has been staying at the house the past couple of nights which is fantastic. I love having her here to help. She has so much experience that she is my new library :) I know she loves being around Heidi too, so that is a plus!
- I am asking for advice and asking questions about what is what. From breastfeeding to poop...it is all so foreign to me. Luckily I have so many great resources (family & friends) that are there when I need them! From late night texts saying I stink at parenthood to calls about screaming babies - they are there for me! If you recall an earlier post about how I was frustrated about advice and all of that...amazing how now it really all helps me to hear it! I think it was more that I hated hearing the advice because Heidi was not here yet and I didn't want to listen to advice I possibly might not need.
- I am relaxed. Well, sort of, my body is sore from being so tense about whether or not she is breathing, eating. sleeping, etc. Hmm...I guess also sore from giving birth in general! I am relaxed though, she's here - I can breath. No more worry that my body isn't going to work right or that something will happen that I can't see in time to fix. I know there are still so many things that can happen to a child outside the womb, but having her here really helps me.
- I care about poop and I change dirty diapers. That's right me and poop. I had never changed a diaper until Heidi came along. John had not either - we're getting better! She was pooping up a storm at the hospital and then stopped when we got home. She has had more wet diapers here which was a change. Friday was the last time she pooped until tonight! BG pooped twice! It was wonderful! I have been so worried (tensing my body) since Friday about her not pooping. My milk has come in (oh engorgement how I did not miss you) and I guess its a change that takes place and it is all perfectly normal. She had a small poopie one this early evening and then a nice smelly one tonight. My mom took a whiff and said, "oh it smells". I could not smell it! Its true about your own child's poop! Which is a relief because I have quite possibly the weakest stomach ever. So, John and I changed her diaper and then she started peeing! We could not stop laughing.
Amazing how one little 8 pound girl can already have such an effect on me. I can't believe that its me not worrying and being upset about things not done. I guess I should not be too surprised though because look how much a 3 pound boy changed me last year....
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
It is all so surreal. From the moment we found out about Hudson I never thought I would experience the joy of having a living breathing child. From that moment I didn't think I would have the chance. It hurt too much to even think about having other children and not having Hudson. With God's timing - not ours at all - we found out we would be expecting our 2nd little precious one. I was filled with every emotion possible. Fear, anxiety, worry, anger, but most of all joy. I didn't know how this journey was going to go. I was a basket case some days while others were "normal". I wanted this more than anything. I wanted to hold my living, breathing, healthy child in my arms. I wanted to watch he or she grow and have their own children. I didn't want to be hurt again.
Next we found out we were having a little girl. What woman does not have dreams of having a sweet daughter? One to share secrets with and share the bond of womanhood. I can also say having a little girl made it easier in separating this pregnancy from Hudson. It helped not having to look for boy names or boy clothes. I enjoyed looking at all things pink and dreaming of my little ballerina. I don't know how I got through it all - well, I do, but I guess I am more amazed through it all. I had 4 anxiety attacks while anxiously waiting for our sweet little girl. My little family had more prayer than any other family I know. We are blessed beyond measure in the support we have - near and far; close and acquaintances. You would think I would be angry at God for letting one live and one die. In know way has that thought ever crossed my mind. Yes, I do still wonder "why Hudson", "why me", but I have learned so much that God is faithful to His promises. I know now that I had priorities to get in order, miracles I needed to appreciate, and lives that needed to see faithfulness in God for their own eternal future.
While being pregnant with Heidi was not uneventful it was easy. She always did and knew what she was supposed to do. I was tested by the devil with worry of whether she would even be with us. Each day that passed was one more day closer to her arrival. I knew that however our story went it would have some sort of ending or continuance. Everyday Heidi grew stronger and so did the prayer. I know everyone talks about the power of prayer, but feeling it for the length of time we did (as we still are is) was amazing. Prayer for our daughter turned into more than just prayers for her - the prayers helped others start relationships with God, strengthen relationships that were taken for granted, and to strengthen relationships with God. The big miracle is that when praying for one thing you never know the domino effect prayer will have. Just as there was a huge domino effect from the prayers during the hard months with Hudson there was/is a huge domino effect from Heidi as well. I feel so proud to have both Hudson and Heidi already, in their short little lives, to have made huge impacts on the lives of others.
From the moment we found out we were going to be induced it was emotional. On the 15th of January we found out we were being induced with Hudson - Heidi was the 15th of June. Both Heidi and Hudson were born on the 16th of their birth months. I was wearing a black shirt and khaki bottoms both times we found out about being induced. This time it was so strange. John and I were so excited we were about to meet our living and breathing daughter. Part one (pregnancy) of Heidi's journey was ending and part two was about to begin. For two hours (before checking in at the hospital) we ran around making our last minute arrangements and gathering everything we needed. For the first time in both of my pregnancies I was nervous about caring for my child. I knew love and appreciation were not a problem at all. I knew I was already a great mother and would be in Heidi life as well, but I didn't know what kind of parent I would be. That is what Heidi has made me - and I have no clue what I am doing. John and I are newbies - Heidi's diapers are the first we have changed. She's the first newborn we have been fully and totally responsible for aiding in life. It all became scary! I'm not even a "kid person".
We arrived in the hospital at 6PM on Tuesday night and began the process of inducing labor with cervidil - in order to open the cervix. I slept for 1 whole hour. Wednesday began the early round of pitocin - after a grueling cold shower. Our nighttime nurse remembered me from delivering Hudson last January. She was not my nurse back then, but she remembered working with our nurse Julie that night. Isn't that crazy? John and I took about an hour nap and were then awoken to "good morning we're here to break your water!" at 8AM. Contractions came (I had been having them all night) and they began to get fierce due to the pitocin. Around 10:30 they were so bad that I couldn't concentrate on my breathing and I would get nauseous just from breathing. The nurse asked if I wanted to try a different position and I did, but it got worse. She asked if I was ready for the epidural and that's when the tears started rolling. The epidural frightens me to death. I did have one with Hudson, but I think I was just walking in a fuzzy cloud during his delivery and I didn't know what was going on until it was happening. I have always been scared of back pain afterwards (my sister-in-law Tina had (still is having) major back problems after having Olivia 4 years ago) as well as paralization. I ended up having one after 4cm. After the procedure I felt so much better.
I cannot remember if this happened before or after the epidural, but my nurse went on to say that she knew this was already and was going to be more emotional for me and it was going to bring back so many emotional memories. She suffered a loss years ago before having other children as well and told me how emotional it was for her in deliveries after that. We hugged and cried together. Next family members were allowed to come back in and then I sat there waiting - wishing I could take a nap. John was taking a nap - he was snoring. Both our moms were in the room on the other side when I started calling out John's name to come over to my bed. I don't know why I was whispering, but I told him that I was feeling pressure and I thought it was time. He went to grab the nurse; she checked and I was right! It was time! John's mom left and John and my mom each took a side of the bed. We were ready to go! I started pushing with the contractions - oh how great it felt to push finally! Then we waited, and waited...and waited for my doctor to get in. I had to stop pushing and hold it in again and that was not too comfortable. So - doctor came and then Heidi made it into the world!! Screaming :)
You have no idea (well, if you have been there you do) how amazing, amazing, that sound was to our ears. Tears were poured from all. Well, I think I was smiling and trying to figure out what everyone was doing and asking questions like "why is she purple" or "what's going on over there" or "why isn't she making any noise over there". John was by my side the whole time with tears and I told him to go hang out with his daughter. He had the biggest smile on his face! It was beautiful to see and to be in that moment with him. I had to sit in my little chair (bed - whatever) and get finished up, but I couldn't stop watching them with Heidi. I was so ready for her to be with me!
I will add more later, but I wanted to get part of the story out while everything was still fresh! It has taken a couple of days to write this because we are enjoying our little Heidi to the fullest! Our should we say - learning what to do with a baby :) By the way - we picked out Heidi because we liked it (it means perky) and Jewell is my grandmother's middle name; my grandmother that passed away last month. We had already chosen her middle name before my grandmother died, but its such a special name!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
We had our 38 week appointment today and the doctor decided now was the time! We had our normal BPP and NST and everything looked just great. I measured at 1.5cm and all other stats were normal. The only concern was the grade of the placenta. Last week the placenta measured at a grade 2 and today it measured at a grade 3. Basically and eventually a placenta will stop giving enough nutrients and blood flow and will begin to calcify. With mine going up there was a little bit of concern. SOOO....we are being induced! It is kind of a surreal experience right now and I don't know if it has really even sunk in yet.
We left the office at 4PM and had to be back at the hospital by 6PM to start the process. I jotted a quick note on facebook just to let everyone know where we were headed and I knew I would have a chance to update once we got settled into the hospital. So for now we are here and just waiting for the meds and BG to do their thing. The nurse said that in most cases a baby would be here between noon and 2PM. I am thinking it might be earlier than that - but it will be soon regardless! I promise to add more details and information later! Please say a prayer that everything will go well and that little BG will be a healthy baby!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
John installed the car seat in his car (I need new tires) and we went to buy the base for my car.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I have been through the labor process before. I have given birth before. I know what to expect. I did this before most of my friends. So it kind of stings when advice is given that I should have been giving for the past year. Make sense? So as much as everyone tries to be helpful it hurts at the same time. I know that no one is trying to hurt my feelings and one day it might not sting so much - one day. You know what goes through my head sometimes? This is really awful...awful awful. I think to myself well, when someone has to bury their child I will be able to give advice and experience on that subject. How terrible does that sound?? I would never wish that upon anyone, but its how bitter the subject is. I become bitter and upset when I am told to be patient and and hang in there because you want to know what it feels like? I feel like I have been pregnant for almost 2 years. June 2008 was when our journey with having kids and pregnancy began - so for 2 years we have basically been pregnant and still pregnant - waiting.
I guess I sometimes feel like I am a step behind everyone else and I am always playing catch up. John and I dated forever and then we finally got engaged (which is definitely ok and fine!) - before we got engaged, the same time or after our engagement everyone that only dated a short while got engaged as well. Then we got pregnant - and well you know that story. So then others started getting pregnant and their having all their babies after Hudson but before our BG and it makes everything feel like its crumbling down on me - trying to tread water to stay "in line" with everyone else. The truth is I really don't care about doing what everyone else is, but right now it just seems unfair.
I have learned that everyone has their own path and mine is full of detours that I have had to take - and that is fine. Well, I am still learning that it is fine. I am learning that I cannot control everything in my life. I like to have my life planned like a perfect little timeline and its not anymore. I am learning more and more that God is in control and ultimately HE is the one that I need to worry about and have a "perfect" relationship with; that is what matters. I do not like to ask for help - really ever. I have been doing that lately and letting go of things. The laundry has been piling up and my dishes are left everywhere - luckily I have a wonderful husband that takes up my slack. The nursery is not even close to being finished and I am okay with that as well. I asked my parents to come over this weekend to help with setting up the furniture and help me get organized - and to help my poor little weeded flower bed. Luckily they are excited to do so :)
I don't even know how I got on the subject of everything above. When I sat to write this post was going to write about how I am mad that the doctor that delivered Hudson mentioned that I would go early - like 36-37 weeks for delivery. So since then I have had it in my mind that this baby should be here - now. I don't deal well with things not happening when I am expecting them too. I am, however, proud of how I am handling the situation this time. I have a perfect example of a time when it would have been a travesty and I would have been sobbing, pleading, and having a panic attack. It was back in high school (when I was Miss Sensitive - "look at me the wrong way and I will cry") and I had this awful plantar wart on my foot. Gross, I know. It got to the point where it hurt to walk...then to cheer...and then to dance. At that point something had to be done. We went to some doctor and he tried to freeze it off - well, that made the little sucker spread and turn bigger. Next we went to my dermatologist - whom I had a very close relationship to being that I had awful skin and I was allergic to everything that touched my skin. Well, I had it in my mind that at that very visit this painful wart would be taken care of - it would be cut out and done with. WELL, apparently the wart was too big and too deep that I would bleed to death (ok, not really, but I would bleed a lot) and I needed to go to a plastic surgeon to have it lasered off. Ok, no big deal right? Just take me there and lets get it done. So, the plastic surgeon we wanted to use was the same one that stitched up the skin beside my eye when I was hit with a metal baseball bat. Apparently he was busy that day - so I through a royal tantrum, the biggest hissy fit a 17 year old girl could throw. Seriously - I started to hyperventilate. I had it in my mind and was ready for this painful torturous event and it needed to happen then - I was mentally prepared. So, I don't know what happened, but Dr. Van made room for me and we had it lasered off that day - maybe I passed out or something - I don't know. (On a side-note if you have not seen the root of a plantar wart you have missed out.)
The point is I was expecting something to happen and when it did not I went into hysterics. Not because I was being a brat or I had to have it my way, but because I had mentally prepared myself and it took so much energy to prepare for something like that - knowing it was going to be painful. See how much I have grown? I sit here calmly waiting for BG to make her arrival. I have not been begging for an induction just waiting patiently. Now, inside my mind is going crazy, but at least I have not thrown myself into fits about it! It is still frustrating, but I have to keep telling myself that each morning I wake up is one morning closer until I will hold my precious daughter in my arms.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
These girls have worked incredibly hard this year and I can see how much improvement there has been just by watching them throughout the recital. They range from ages 13-17 so and there is a wide variety of technique and experience. Sometimes it can be challenging making sure you showcase each individualist talent but still making the group work and look good together. It can be difficult to make sure everyone is challenged in some level, but hopefully the girls felt challenged and they learned something this year. Considering I have not taught a dance class in 8-9 years and I have not choreographed anything in about 6 years they were a great group of girls to "break me in" again.
I have so much in store for these girls for next year and I am so excited! It will be nice to have a break for the next few months - everyone gets burnt out at some point. BG will be out in the world and I will be able to demonstrate exactly what steps should look like in dances and be able to dance more and not look like an Umpaloompa when on the floor rolling around. I really cannot say enough how proud I am of them and I hope to see them all again next year. I will miss Hannah, our lone senior, but she will be off doing great things of her own at college :)
Below are the dances. The first is from the end of the opening number - edited version of Thriller. The second is from the Kings of Leon song Closer and the last is Fever - scratch that...I have tried for 24 hours to get the videos to post and they won't!! UGH! Anyways - I will find a way or the patience to try again later :)
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
So, I was always a very sensitive person growing up - you could look at me the wrong way and I would cry. No lie. I've pretty much grown a little thicker skin and I can handle "life" in a much better way. I haven't really even had any irrational emotional breakdowns since I have been pregnant. Tonight was the final rehearsal for the dance studio that I help out at. The helping out has been teaching the teen jazz class and choreographing 2 jazz dances for them for the recital.
I was so excited about seeing the program and seeing "choreographed by Kimberly....". It has been about 6 years since I have choreographed anything, so I was pumped! Well, guess what was missing in the program. You got it, my name as a choreographer. I know its petty and I am probably more upset because I am about to pop, but I really did want to cry. Its not like I am expecting all this recognition and praise, just a little acknowledgement for the year's worth of hard work. It wasn't even like this was a paying job - I taught the class for free because I was asked to and thought it would be fun. It has been a lot of fun and I have enjoyed being with the girls and getting to know all of their personalities. I will miss them this summer and I will miss our one senior that will be going off to college in the fall. It just stinks that people won't know that I put in the hard work for the dances.
If I can find my point and shoot camera charger I will record the dances and upload them tomorrow or Sunday :)