VLOG - Still Life With Circles

Yes, I am here - I still exist :) Taking part in Angie's blog - still life with circles - and posting a VLOG (video blog?) where we are to read a post from a time in the past. I picked a post from July 2009 when I was participating in a weekly devotional type of blog.

A few sidebars:
- The camera does not like me.
- I have no make-up on and I look scary. I may rethink the strike against make-up.
- I make strange faces when talking to a camera and my mouth makes weird shapes.
- My shirt is too small so I will definitely be getting a larger one on Friday before I run in the Rock-n-Roll marathon....

Part 1

Part 2 (because I was videoing from my phone and my husband called and I had already done about a billion takes and I didn't want to start over again!!) HA!

Attitude

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

~Winston Churchill

Have you ever thought about the thoughts that run through your mind each day? I did this week and it put me in such a horrible mood. There are some things in life that I am really having a hard time dealing with. One major problem is ending sentences with prepositions, but not one that I am going to try and fix right at the moment. I feel like I am letting my thoughts/opinions about others and their actions take control over my attitude. Does that make sense? I become angry for no reason. The anger is in my head only - never at a person. For instance, people constantly complaining about not having money and then they are talking about vacations they are going on or things they got for Christmas. Another is people "listening" to you and then going on to compare their life with yours when it is really like comparing apples to oranges. Other times its when people offer to do something for you and its only on their time and not when you are ready. Its hard to explain without telling full stories. Regardless I have been letting the attitudes of others and how they handle things influence my attitude. The past few days I have been going about my own business and I have stopped worrying about how others are living their lives and my annoyances with them. I have found myself to be a much happier person in doing this.

Another thing I really have a hard time with (and sorry if this hurts anyone's feelings - please do not take it personally) is children that were born after Hudson and before Heidi. I sometimes feel so jealous because I was there first, but yet I am last. Hudson would have been born first and I would be the one to know what to do first and I would not have to ask things to them. They would have been asking me. It really shouldn't matter, but it does. It doesn't make me not like the children, it just makes me sad and I don't like being sad. I should have a two year old, but I don't and that is still such a harsh reality that I don't think people understand.

2 Years - late

No, I didn't forget. You never forget. Even though my ears are filled with the most joyous laughter and new word developing sounds; I still remember the day there was no sound. Its as clear as if it happened 10 minutes ago - hard to believe it was 2 years ago on January 16th. Some nights I am haunted by the silence. The only sound being my tears and my fight to be strong. In the day time during day dreams I have flashbacks of the soft little bundle I held that laid there unmoving. Still to this day I wonder what would have happened had they performed an ultrasound the week before. I should have been more insistent.

There is such a conflict of emotions. Hudson and Heidi were both born on the 16th of their birth months. When we celebrate a new month with Heidi its hard not to think how old Hudson would be. With each new milestone or development we celebrate with Heidi, its a constant reminder of what we didn't get to celebrate with him. Everything seems so bittersweet, yet I am able to separate the two emotions. Somehow it all works. I am still waiting for the "one day" to happen. You know the "one day" when it won't sting so bad when people say certain things. I am waiting for the "one day" when it will be easier to be happy for what others have rather than be sad about what I have lost.

Sometimes I Just...

want to bang my head on the steering wheel. I hate to admit it and I really hate writing about it, but its one of those things that needs to be documented in my life. Three days a week I take Heidi to my mom's house while I am at work. When I pick Heidi up I never know what I am in store for on the trip home. A nice quiet ride while Heidi sleeps/plays or me riding in a trance. What is this trance you wonder? I have to put myself in one or else I might drive off a cliff. The times when Heidi is not sleeping or playing in her car seat she is screaming - worse than screaming. She is yelling, choking on her screams - it is a nightmare.



I am sure that I am totally offending people by writing that I want to drive myself off a cliff because of my child's screams. You have to realize that even though I still sometimes cannot get over the fact that I am so blessed to have Heidi and that I thought I would never have a living child, I still have some sanity that is tested. The past month, ever since we came home from Pittsburgh, has been so rough. John and I were used to Heidi going to bed at 7:30PM, sleeping through the night and waking up at 8AM without having to do anything to coax her to sleep. No rocking, no crying - nothing. Just feed her and put her to bed and she would go to sleep. Now it is a completely different story. Now we have to do anything we can to get her to sleep. And her new "sleep" is in a couple of 2-3 hour shifts at night. So - I am living on little sleep at the moment and also driving in a trance.



The only thing I continue to tell myself, and that I know for sure, is that this passes and everything is really okay. Heidi is here, she's healthy, and she is absolutely wonderful. I would not pass up these screams for anything. Would I enjoy sleeping a full 8 hours and a peaceful ride home? Yes, absolutely.



I would never want to offend anyone that reads this blog. I do however want to put this post out there - because moms need to know that everyone can experience moments when they want to drive off a cliff. Even when you have lost a child and are heartbroken it can happen. I truly believe you appreciate things more when you have lost it before. As much as I still stare at Heidi wondering if she is real and as much as I thank God that she is here and thank Him for blessing me I still am human. Does that make sense? I mean I know everyone says you can still love something and still get frustrated - for example a screaming child. I guess what I really mean is having a child did not come easy to us and even though I am more grateful for her than I feel any other person could feel grateful for a child I still experience moments like I have described above. So if you are in the "pregnancy didn't/hasn't come easy and I have experienced a loss" club its normal to feel this way...

September - Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

I'm joining this month in the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope writing challenge.

This month the question is:

How has the changing of seasons (from summer to fall) impacted you in your grief journey?

Seasons? What are seasons? We only have chilly, hot, and HOT here in south Georgia :). I would say though, through this season of life, my grief is in a good place right now. I know that having Heidi here has definitely helped so much in my devastation over Hudson. I cannot describe it. She has in no way replaced him, but sometimes I feel like he is here because she is here. Does that sound crazy? I guess because until we are in Heaven she's the closest thing I will have to having him here. Last year I had a project to focus on, so my grief wasn't being dealt with all the way. I shoved it in a little corner while I occupied myself with building - actually at this time a year ago exactly I was yelling at the mortgage company because we should have been in our house the day before and they were still asking us for more information; or maybe John and I were headed to the lawyers to sign a power of attorney for me to be able to close on the house. Regardless I had my hands full of moving.

So, its been a year in our house and 20 months since we last saw Hudson. Twenty months ago I was a completely different person. The memories of that very day are still as vivid as ever. I think that God allows you to keep some memories in your heart forever - maybe for comfort. I guess its different as the season changes because so does my heart. Now its "easier" to think of Hudson without so much sadness. Whether it is from God, Heidi or time, something has helped my heart to heal.

Thank You

Over the past couple of weeks I have realized what this blog really is "doing". It isn't just a place I go to write my thoughts out or a place to record our family journal - which is why I originally started writing. I really "got into" blogging the more I read from other women who had experienced the loss of a child. It has been a place to go to write - something I love to do. My grammar and proofreading can be atrocious at times, and I write exactly as I speak - including how I jump from one topic to another. I never thought about who would read this blog or if anyone would even be reading - and neither really influenced my decision to have a blog. One major lesson I have learned is that when you experience an event like John and I did, and with it being an event that we could not keep hidden, others want to know how you are handling your experience.

As a Christian you are looked upon differently when times get tough because lets be honest - it is easy to "act Christianly" when you slide through life without any bad experiences or hardships. Its easy to remain positive and upbeat and say that "everything is gonna be alright" when you haven't had to face trials. I was obviously pregnant and my whole grieving process was therefore public knowledge - whether because of being from a small town, facebook, going to a semi-small college, etc.; either way there was no way to escape. So what else could I have done but put my big girl panties on and let others see what was really going on - the good and bad. Doesn't it make it easier to know that there is someone facing the same trials as you? That others have been there? That you can still believe that God is good no matter what is thrown at you? It is even easy to be on this blog and pretend to always have the best attitude no matter what is thrown your way. What good would all of that do? Nothing - absolutely nothing because it would be fake and others would only become discouraged after reading the blog knowing that they were mad and had a hard time "having a Christian attitude" when times were tough.

Why is it that we try to mask our emotions and only let others see the good? Sometimes there just isn't good - sometimes life really kicks you in the butt and it stinks. Then when that happens what good does it do to have a pity party about your troubles? Nothing - there is no good in self wallowing. Letting others see your vulnerability, I have learned, is what helps others triumph over their hard times. You know the saying about being stronger in numbers? I think it comes into play in this situation because knowing there are others struggling in your same area makes you feel better instead of thinking "why does this have to happen to me". You have someone you can relate to go go to for help.

The past few weeks God has continued to shower me with blessings - blessings that come in the form of good friends, great friends, and friends that I have lost regular contact with. The messages I have gotten lately from friends that have been reading my blog have brought me to tears. Partly because I never knew what an impact this blog, my thoughts, my feelings, Hudson...what they have done to have an impact on others. Laying it all out there and having Hudson's death truly have meaning and purpose has come alive because of you; and I thank you for that, for making that dream of mine come true.

The Secret Garden - October

The Secret Garden Meeting is a place for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted and to share our hearts.

This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby? How are you feeling? How do you hope you will feel in the future? Have you found any peace at all?

Where am I in my grief - a question that I hear from counselors, blogs, people, tons....the truth is I have no idea. I don't even know "where to be" with grief. I could say I am in one place, but the next day it might be a different answer. I just try and live each day and take what the day brings while trying to heal as best as I can. Lately I have been experiencing new parts to the grieving process - which will be explained later - and at times it can be me starting the whole process over again. It has only been 9 and 1/2 months so there is still more grieving and healing to go - it will be that way for the rest of my life here on Earth.

Right now, at this present day I have so many mixed emotions (I know some of this isn't making any sense, but it will soon) and I don't know which way to feel. In the future I know the grieving will get easier and the heart will heal with scars. I look forward to the day when I can live my life without the fear of losing another child in the womb. I look forward to the day when I can say I am happy and not jealous and mean it - though most of the time I do.

I am at peace with not having Hudson here anymore. I am not a dweller and I know that the reality is he is not here and he will never be here. In being a realist and having a cut and dry way of looking at life maybe that helps aide in peace - that and having a relationship with God. Knowing that this is all a part of His plan gives me the most peace of all.

9 Months

Nine months ago today we received the news that devastated our lives. Our little Hudson was no longer with us. Then came the decisions, the painful choices and events. Nine months. In nine months a life could have been created and born. In our nine months we have buried a child, lost a job, found a new job, welcomed many new babies into the world, watched our house being built from beginning to end, bought our house, moved in our house, you see where I am going, right? It seems like an eternity, but yet it's really not that long ago that I was still pregnant. On this nine month anniversary we celebrated Hudson's life. My family, friends, John, and I lifted our balloons and released them to the sky in memory and in honor of Hudson. Not just for Hudson, but for all of the babies out there who are in Heaven. Candles were lit at 7PM all OVER THE WORLD - as a wave of continuous burning light - in order for these precious children to be remembered. The symbolism is much greater than any one human being can imagine. It's not only to remember these children, but it is to honor those that have walked this cruel and grief filled walk. To let them know that you are there for them - with love, actions, words, thoughts, and most importantly prayers.

The afternoon came and I checked my social website where friends already began to post pictures of their balloons and candles lit. I cannot even describe the feeling. To know that so many took the time out of their busy days, to stand in the rain, and release a balloon for Hudson. I began weeping at I the pictures started being posted. Maybe some tears for Hudson, but more for happiness. Happiness that those around a recognizing the life of Hudson and remembering him and all of the other babies. Friends and family posted about the day on their statuses and others would comment about their children that are no longer with us, that they never knew of such a day. Knowing that more people are being educated about this day is such a great feeling. I wish that we did not have a day like this because it is full of sadness, but I am glad we do have one to remember these children.

Below are some pictures from the balloon release and candle lighting. To those friends and family - thank you so much for celebrating with us and for honoring John, Hudson, (Hunter), and I in this wonderful way. We are blessed beyond imagination. **NOTE** I still have more pictures to add, including my own!!**

My cousins Blaine & Aislin and niece Olivia

Woodstock, GA

My brother Tres, Tina, and Olivia

My sister Vicki, Hubert, Hugh and Emily

Savannah, GA

John's brother Brad, Rebekah, Gavin, & Grace

Newnan, GA

John's sister Rebecca & David

Charlotte, NC

Stockunas Family

Philly, PA

Katie & Matt

Gainesville, GA

Lance, Stacy, & Harper

Tallahassee, FL

Lance's dad & step-mom

Tallahassee, FL

Stacy's Parents and brother

Perry, GA

Amanda & Randy

Macon, GA

Dennis, Maggie, & Luke

Columbia, SC

Curtis, Kaley, Landon & Selah

Raleigh, NC

Kara, Colin, & Kristi

Loganville, GA

Sherry, Ted, and Charles

Loganville, GA

Freddie & Brian

Marrietta, GA

Heather & Darrin

Atlanta, GA

Rebecca & Cameron

Fredericksburg, VA

Chris, Kristina, Grace, and Jack

Dallas, GA

Erin & Mark

Atlanta, GA

Lindsey & Blake

Atlanta, GA

Glorimar

Valdosta, GA

Johanna, Jon, & Emily

Milwaukee, WI

Kristi & Joel

Valdosta, GA

See that building in the back? That's where John proposed to me!!

Christine, Toby, January Baby, & Bun in the Oven

Griffin, GA

Bonnie

Savannah, GA

Gina, Dan, and Hadley

Dawson, GA

Carson, Eric, & Aiden

NY, NY

Whitney & her mom

Atlanta, GA

Kayley, Kevin, & Lacey

Brunswick, GA