I sit waiting. Well, not really sitting, but you get the idea. I have less than 29 days until BG's due date. 29 days. After my last birthing experience I never thought I would make it past 30 weeks in a pregnancy and have another child. I really didn't think I would mentally or emotionally be able to handle another pregnancy. It was truly a complete "how'd that happen" that we ended up pregnant - actually for both pregnancies. We had not discussed it yet - we were still up in the air on what our plans were. Regardless I was overjoyed when I saw the positive pregnancy test. To this day I still do not even know why I took the test. I took it October 16th and I should not have needed to take it until the 22nd. I found out very early.
Mentally and emotionally I am exhausted - I know my face shows it as well as my attitude. Only 29 more days until something great is possibly going to happen. Isn't that awful? To be so far along and still think that something bad is going to happen? It is really not something you can help - just something that has to be prayed about to not let it take over your mind. When I have let the anxiety take over it is not very pretty - walking around talking to yourself and shaking your head does not "look good" on me.
John and I have been diligently preparing the house - attempting to place an order in the nursery. Do you know what I picture? Sometimes I picture bringing a baby home and sometimes I picture closing the door and never entering because its too painful because we lost our 2nd child. I am washing the bassinet and crib sheets right now - none of which were items purchased, but items that are borrowed or my mom made. I feel safe washing those things. I still have not cut the tags or opened the boxes - its just too risky for my heart. We're sure going to be busy when BG finally does arrive and we bring her home - she'll have to sit naked for days until we wash her clothes :)
I have my 36 week appointment on Wednesday and I keep crossing my fingers that Dr. Helmken will mention something about inducing. I really don't care that the nursery isn't ready, that the furniture has not arrived, that nothing is in its place. That is all so unlike me. Usually I want everything set up just perfect - I would normally already have pictures of the complete room posted for everyone to see how cute it is, but not this time. I would rather have BG here and be unprepared at our house than to have our house prepared and no BG. Its a shame that some women have to go through pregnancy that way.
So, as I picture leaving the hospital after BG is born I have 2 different scenarios that my mind sees. One is leaving like I did last time - tear stained face, empty arms, and a broken heart. I see Hunter grieving just like he did for Hudson and the nursery prepared waiting for its occupant. The other is with BG happy as can be, bringing her home for Hunter to sniff and love on. The latter is what I am aching for - to have this sweet little one in my arms living and breathing. The thought of being transported in a wheelchair again to the front entrance empty armed is too much to think about even dealing with again.
The room has been painted! For awhile I didn't know if I was going to like it or not - it kind of looked like lime sherbet :) Once the furniture arrives I know I will LOVE it even more! The picture does not really give the color justice, but there will be more pictures to come!!
So - today I had a moment of weakness. I was starving - I went to Wendy's and got the Spicy chicken sandwich meal. OH.MY.GOODNESS - it tasted like a little bit of Heaven in your mouth. I really have no idea why it tasted so good. Now all I want to eat is this sandwich and meal. To let you in on a little secret - I had one for dinner too, opps! Ever since last summer I have been working hard in changing my eating habits - not that they were bad or good, but they could be much better. Fast food was definitely something I had cut out. Growing up I never had a problem keeping the weight off, but it took me awhile to get all of the pregnancy weight off and I was already weighing more than I wanted to when I got pregnant in the first place. By solely changing my diet I was able to get to 10 lbs under pre-pregnancy weight before becoming pregnant with BG. Just think how its going to be when I actually am able to start exercising again after BG as well and the diet changes! I will also have less weight to lose because right now I am at 27lbs total for weight gain and with Hudson I was at 30lbs at 30 weeks. I am looking forward to breaking out the jogging stroller and catching up on some of the 5k runs I have missed out on.
Did you ever watch The Brave Little Toaster as a child? It was a favorite for me - I watched it dozens of times. If you have not seen it you missed out.
Here is the plot - taken from Wikipedia:
Five appliances — a radio (Radio), a lamp (Lampy), an electric blanket (Blanky), a vacuum cleaner (Kirby), and a toaster (Toaster) — wake up and await their "Master", a child whom they have not seen for many years, with a growing sense of abandonment. The paranoid Air Conditioner, jealous of the affection given to the other appliances by the Master, is provoked into overheating and short-circuits. When a car stops at the cabin and turns out to be a real estate broker placing a "for sale" sign, the appliances spiral into despair. Unable to accept that the Master would abandon them, Toaster decides that the group should head out and find the Master. The appliances rigs up a car battery to an office chair pulled by Kirby and set out into the world, following the Radio's signal from the City of Light. During their travels from the cabin to the big city, the appliances have many harrowing adventures where they slowly learn to work together: they come across a colorful meadow where a flower mistakes its reflection in Toaster's chrome plating as another of its kind, then wilts when the Toaster rejects its advances. When they need a place to stop for the night Blanky turns himself into tent for the group. Toaster has a nightmare in which he is attacked by an evil clown dressed as a firefighter. A violent storm in the middle of the night blows Blanky up into the trees, and Lampy risks his life by using himself as a lightning rod to recharge the group's dead battery. After recovering Blanky, the group tries to cross a waterfall, only to have everyone fall in except for Kirby. He bravely dives in after them and they wash up downstream, but now hopelessly lost. Having lost the office chair and battery, the group resorts to pulling the disabled vacuum cleaner through the swamp. After almost drowning in quicksand, they are rescued by Elmo St. Peters, the owner of an appliance parts store. At the store they meet a group of partially dismantled or broken appliances, who have given up on hope in favor of B-Movie style horror and insanity. Facing the prospect of being dismantled and sold, the appliances trick St. Peters, allowing them all to escape and head into the city. The appliances arrive at the Master's apartment only to discover that they have been replaced by modern Cutting Edge appliances. The group is tossed into the garbage in the hope that the Master will take the newer appliances to college instead. When the Master, who we find out is named Rob, arrives home after failing to find the appliances at the cabin, his black and whitetelevision broadcasts advertisements for the garbage dump where the appliances have been taken. Rob decides to go there and buy replacements. At the dump the appliances watch as several cars, resigned to being Worthless, are picked up by a giant magnetic crane and dropped onto a conveyor belt advancing toward the car crusher, which smashes the cars to death. They attempt to foil the magnetic crane in order to allow Rob to find them. After being thwarted several times, the furious crane picks up Rob himself as well as all of the appliances save Toaster, and drops them on the compactor's conveyor belt. In a climactic act of self-sacrifice, Toaster leaps into the compactor's gears and stops the machine from destroying his friends and Rob. Rob returns to the apartment with all of the appliances in tow, including the now mangled Toaster. Despite his girlfriend Chris' skepticism, he repairs Toaster and takes all of them to college with him.
After watching this movie is when it happened - when the hoarding began. Movies that give human personification to inanimate objects made me think that all of my belongings had souls, therefore I could not part with anything. I feared that throwing something away would be detrimental to this little things self-esteem. This is how it has been since the age of 5 or 6. I also kind of think hoarding is genetic - judging from my Grandmother's house and my parent's house. Then my brother and sister are mini-hoarders as well. Luckily my brother, sister, and I each married non-hoarders.
John "helped" me last night in throwing away things like erasers, giant pencils, ticket stubs that I cannot even remember what they were for, etc. We made three piles - donate, trash, and keep. There were only a couple of items left for the "keep" pile to which my adoring husband said, "yeah, keep it so you can hold onto it for another 10 years and then throw away". Supportive, right? I ended up throwing out/donating about 2-3 bins of things. We also went through and reorganized all of the boxes we already have full of holiday specific decorations and my plethora of gift bags/tissue paper/bows. Slowly but surely I am throwing away the junk that we have no reason to hold onto. I wonder why it is so hard to throw away these things - its just stuff. Stuff I will never have a use for again that will remain hidden in these boxes following me everywhere. I have a goal of June 1st to be finished with all of my cluttering habits; so far we have made great progress!
Tonight we hosted our weekly small group meeting. There are three couples total in our group and we rotate houses from week to week. Sometimes Hunter joins in and sometimes he looks like he is left out. Luckily we have a group of animal lovers that realize Hunter is not your ordinary household pet. Each member always makes room on the couch for him when he asks and they smile as he growls through the prayer when he wants someone to play with him. Last night he just had to be on the couch when the group meeting was over - and he made sure he had some room!
I was on my way to the chiropractor and dance class and I spotted this car with this license plate. It made me giggle and it reminded me of in grade school when everyone thought it was hilarious to write these letters down and ask you to read them out loud. Why can't kids have this sort of simple humor today? I cannot believe how much kids know these days - so much more than I knew at their ages and probably more than I know now!
On a side note - the bumper sticker on this car reads "Guns don't kill people; driving on cell phones do". I am guessing that would mean people that take pictures while driving too, right? Opps!
This is where I want to be - with a margarita in hand....oh, and BG right along beside me. No, I would not condone drinking around my newborn, but you really have no idea how bad I am "Jonesing" for a margarita :) I took this picture in Costa Maya this past summer. As I am catching up on my 365 project and uploading pictures I sat and stared at it for awhile.
Today BG was honored by a fantastic shower locally. It was hosted by my sister, Lanae, Lisa, April, and Lyndsey. BG was given so many nice things and I know she is jumping with joy ready to try out all of her gifts! There are so many cute clothes for her to wear! I don't think she will ever have to wear an outfit twice :) During the day I was exhausted - seriously. I almost fell asleep on the way home. I am not sleeping that well at night - from getting up to tinkle, Hunter and his antics, or the strange dreams - it leaves me so tired during the day. I think my face shows it in most of the pictures as well. Only a few more weeks! Well, a few more weeks and then still no sleep, but that kind of "no sleep" will be just fine by me!
After the shower I made it home safely and took a nap with Hunter. I was supposed to go to a dance rehearsal to teach my part of the opening number, BUT I received a phone call telling me the rehearsal had been cancelled. As much as I enjoy going to dance I was truly relieved to have the extra sleep time! At night we had Bonnie's 30th Surprise Birthday Party! Bonnie and I are in a small group together and I have enjoyed getting to know her the past few months. She owns an interior design business locally - so if you are a local blog reader and are in need of some help in decoration check out her website for Xpressions & Designs Savannah.
Today we headed to Hilton Head for the day to visit with John's family that came in town. His parents, brother with his family, Uncle Bruce and his wife, and his Aunt Carole and Uncle Jim are all staying in Hilton Head for a few days. John and I arrived around noon time and went to meet part of his family for lunch. After eating we hung out by the pool for a few hours and then went to eat dinner at The Crazy Crab at the Harbor.
John playing football in the pool with his brother
Such a relaxing day...hanging out the pool with the extended Henninger family at a resort in Hilton Head. It felt weird being in the pool though, partly because I kept thinking I would be drowning BG while my belly was in the water. I know its not possible, but when you are feeling a baby squirm and wiggle around inside of you while your belly is underwater it is a strange feeling!
I wanted to share a few of our maternity pictures!! We are so pleased with how they turned out! Our photographer is a local from this area and you can see some of her work here. Her name is Patti Todd and we, sort of, grew up together. Her younger sister and I are about the same age and we always played softball together. Patti's family also lived in a neighborhood where two of my best friends lived.
Maternity Clothes?: Yep! Although I did wear a non-maternity dress to a wedding over the weekend :)
Sleep?: NO - and it does not help when Hunter paws the end of the bed wanting to snuggle up...or that I sweat, really sweat at night. I am normally such a cold-natured person.
Best Moment This Month?: Ultrasound central - having one each week :)
Movement?: A lot of movement now. Ever since my breakdown she has not stopped moving. At the doctor's appointment BG would not slow down for anything!
Body Changes/Labor Signs?: Contractions here and there; pinching when she moves her head which is SO LOW; swelling if I am outside or standing too long.
Belly Button?: mostly flat unless she is right behind it kicking or poking her butt out.
What I Miss: Have I mentioned wine before??? shaving my legs (which I do, but not very comfortably)
What I Am Looking Forward To: Having BG here and being able to call her by her name that is just too adorably cute :)
John and I went to the doctor yesterday and had another BPP (bio-physical profile) which measures things like tone, breathing, movement, size, heartbeat, fluid, etc. Everything looked great and BG was moving up a storm. BG is calculated at weighing 6lbs. 2ozs. which is 1lbs. 5ozs. bigger than 2 weeks ago. According to everyone I pass on the street I will not be making it to my due date - which is totally fine with me, as long as BG is ready to come out.
We are still working on the nursery - well, not really, but we did finally move the bed out of the room. John is to begin/finish painting on Monday and then all we are really waiting on is the furniture and some more bedding. Which reminds me - I still need to order material for the valances...We do have a bassinet so if she arrives before the furniture we are set. So...I think that is the update for now - very boring, but boring is good :)
Oh - and join the baby pool!! http://bebepool.com/BGHenninger - the winner will have an opportunity to hold BG :) haha! No, there will be a small prize for the winner :)
This weekend was full of happy and sad moments. Friday morning we started the day off by going to Michael's craft store to purchase a new spring bouquet for Hudson's grave. The place where he is buried is where my grandmother was buried also. Along with a new "springy" arrangement we bought a little yard art - a cute little frog - to put next to the grave as well. We arrived at the grave site before anyone else and were able to fix Hudson's grave up before everyone arrived - everyone including my grandmother.
The funeral was spectacular - have you ever heard someone describe a funeral with that adjective? My Uncle Phil (my mom's brother) performed the service. This was his first service and he did such an amazing job. He talked about the legacy she left with her family - through all of us. I couldn't help but thinking how true that is. How someone dies, but you always have a continuation of that person left on Earth. BG is the continuation of Hudson. Both of them are a continuation of my grandmother and I hope that I am able to instill in the the values of family that my grandmother gave to me.
After the funeral we went to my sister's house for lunch prepared by my parent's small group. I think I have mentioned before food and bringing food at moments in life like what happened is a huge southern tradition. We love our comfort food in the south :) It was nice to be able to spend time with family while at the lunch.
Next John and I headed home to take a much needed nap. Hunter jumped right in the bed with us. The nap was great, short, but great. We got ready in about 10 minutes for the rehearsal dinner and headed to first pick up John's tux and then headed to the Davenport House. The wedding party had to rehearse in the square outside of the house because tours were still going on in the museum. I found a bench next to some strangers and had a nice chat with them. I told them BG's name and they really liked it. John was making fun of me and how I always end up talking with strangers where ever I go. I don't do it on purpose...am I just supposed to ignore people? NO. Next we headed to the rehearsal and then stopped by the Relay for Life so John could sign in for Best Buy.
Saturday morning I had to go into work for a little to do payroll and then I came home to prop up my feet and relax a little. My mom , Aunt Babs, Great-Aunt Becky, and Great-Uncle John came over for a little bit and then John and I had to get ready for the wedding. We headed to the Davenport House where I started taking pictures and John started getting ready. The wedding was pretty and I managed to not go into labor after standing on my feet for such a long time for the whole weekend in the hot sun :) We went home after the wedding and completely crashed.
The Davenport House
John looking dapper in his tux
The Henninger Family
Mr. & Mrs. Christie
I was put in time out - for reasons I will not divulge
John and the groom Ray
Sunday I literally sat around trying to rest up before another busy week and weekend ahead. I had a meeting for dance and got the rehearsal schedule - only a couple more weeks until the recital!! No, I am not dancing, just teaching and helping :)
Rehearsal dinner for the wedding John is in on Saturday. Edgar really wanted sprinkles on his ice cream and John made sure the waitress made him happy. Here his girlfriend is feeding him the delightful treat.
The past couple of days have been rough. Yesterday I felt different/less fetal movement. I cast it off because I was running around like crazy during the entire day. So today I gave it another chance to satisfy my need for movement. By 11AM (can you tell I am impatient??) I was not satisfied and started hyperventilating at work - luckily no one was around. I then burst into tears - having one of my anxiety attacks. I needed to go to the doctor. I calming (in a trance) grabbed my purse telling everyone I would be back in a little bit. I didn't want to alarm anyone and by telling anyone it would alarm everyone and my family would be worry-warting right alongside. I did, however, call John and tell him I was on my way to the doctor. John of course said he would meet me up there - I was grateful.
I arrived at the office - with a tear stained face - and went to the normal appointment procedures and then was taken into a room. The nurse, Olivia, was trying to calm me down. Normally my blood pressure is low like 90/68; yet today it was 120/78 - think I was a little stressed? Olivia had me lay down and she turned off the lights to calm down. Judy my NP came in and we all started going over what I was feeling. She brought out the doppler and of course heard BG's healthy little heartbeat. It of course did not satisfy me. As we all know I went in a week before Hudson was born having the same movement issues and then a week later he was no longer here.
I am very blessed to have such an understanding team of nurses/doctors that understand me and tell me that I am not crazy. John then made it into the room - after I had another panic attack. Which was nice because me sobbing and saying "I cannot go through this again" would not have been the sight to reassure him everything was ok. Next we went into the room with the fetal monitor. We sat there forever with Judy and Olivia coming in and out checking on the progress and Judy coming in with what the plan was to help me. Of course it is too early for BG to come out - as much as I want her to be out I know it is not safe just yet. So, Judy said we would do a BPP (bio-physical profile) test which measures about 10 different things. From there we would be able to see how everything was progressing and if I didn't pass part of it we would go from there. The next addition to the plan would be that I would have appointments twice a week - every Tuesday and Friday. At each of these appointments I will have a BPP. My doctors were right on top of everything. After hearing the new plan, and agreeing to it, I felt much better.
Next we went into the ultrasound room where they performed the rest of the BPP. Apparently everything passed and went well. Little BG is doing just fine; probably just wondering why her mama is so tense! So - for now I will have those appointments and we will continue to go from there. I still feel a difference in movement, but I have been checked in all ways to be checked. It will definitely help to be going in twice a week. Hopefully. If I can just get through the next 3-5-7 weeks. Heavy prayers will be needed to help me with my mental issues from now until then.
The rest of the day went by normally; meaning I was pretty much emotionally exhausted. It didn't end there though. I received a call tonight regarding a prayer I have been asking to be answered. My dad called and told me that my Grandmother passed away tonight. You know as much as I prayed for her to be at peace and to be with God it is still hard when it actually happens. I don't think I have really cried throughout the whole process until tonight. Probably tears of relief that she was finally free. FREE - she is in Heaven with Hudson and my Grandfather, her first husband. For the first time in a long time I imagine she is truly happy. It is comforting to think that, but it is still just a strange feeling; death. It is final and it is hard to imagine that I will no longer be able to see my Grandmother, go to her house - anything ever again. Maybe that is why we really grieve our loved ones. It is hard to believe that my brother, sister, and I made it to say our final goodbyes in time - not knowing it would be the final time. Maybe it was something my grandmother needed. She had a chance to look each of us in the eye and hold each of our hands one last time. Thank you for all of your prayers for my family and grandmother - please continue to keep my family in your prayers as the final goodbyes to my grandmother's body are said.
Mother's Day is one of those strange "holidays". It is one of those "excluding" type of holidays that only certain people are allowed to be celebrated and appreciated. It's one of those holidays that people love or hate. Kind of like Valentine's Day - you know you hate it because all of the love in the air and you are sitting at home alone. That's kind of how Mother's Day is for me. Of course this year is different because I am obviously pregnant so strangers wished me a "Happy Mother's Day" referring to BG in the belly. They, of course, have no idea about Hudson and what kind of mother I actually am. I am a mother that grieves the loss of a son while trying to mask having too much excitement about her daughter that could be here in the next few weeks. I am a mother that isn't able to be woken up by a toothless (well, at this point few teeth) grin trying to muster out mom. I am a mother who has to correct everyone that she is not a mom-to-be, but a mother that they will never (at least I hope none of my friends or foes have to) even understand what I have been through in the past year. My nephew seems to understand - the sweet little boy he is, wished me a happy mother's day - but I could see that sadness in his eyes missing his little cousin he never had the chance to meet (even though he probably misses him more so because of all the girls he is surrounded by!!).
I kind of think Mother's Day is a rotten holiday. For one, think about all that mothers do for their families and children. How many of you went rummaging at the last minute to grab some generic card signing a generic "love, so-in-so"? Why would only one day be set aside to honor the person who is pretty much the sole reason for your existence? Oh don't worry I am guilty of it too - I even left the cards on the piano as I was rushing out to church; mainly because the day started off rotten and I was in a bad mood, but I forgot them nonetheless. Father's day falls in the same category as well. Why do we want to have a holiday that makes others feel pain? All the women out there unable to bare children or who are trying and trying and it does not happen. It is just another day for them to feel sad and another reminder of wanting something they cannot achieve. It is another day for me to personally know that the one who made me a mother will never utter those words for my ears to hear.
During church the preacher spoke about mothers during the Me to We session we have been covering the past few weeks. Of course Hannah was a hot topic as usual. The preacher also spoke about those who are in pain because they are trying to become pregnant and have children. I thought that was great to cover that segment as well - and then I saw a woman start sobbing (and try to cover it up) on another side of the church. I wanted to reach out to her, but I know that seeing me in my present condition would only be another reminder. Mother's and Mother's to be were asked to stand - which once again outcasts those who are in pain. I stood as I dug my nose into the bulletin - knowing I had been classified into the Mother-to-be category.
After church my brother, sister, and I went to visit my grandmother. I had to wear a mask. I cannot remember if I have mentioned on a previous posting about how my grandmother broke her arm and hip and ever since then it has been downhill. She formed bedsores in the hospital and they caught a bacteria. I cannot have skin to skin contact with my own grandmother - there is just too much at risk. So we walk into her room and there she is laying - head slumped over with no life in her body. This woman who taught each of us to ride houses, milk goats, work on a farm - how to work hard in the animal world. Now she lays there as we watch for her to die. I know I for one watched the rise and fall of her chest wondering if that would be the last breath.
At one point she looked up at me and reached out her hand. I had to put a glove on, but I held her hand when she reached for me. Do you know what I was thinking while I was holding her hand? I was praying for God to take her pain away and that if it was time then let it happen. She would never want to be seen this way or live this way. She was always put together and ready for company and always embarrassed if she was caught unprepared. So at that moment I prayed for her to die. Sounds kind of cruel, but why would we want someone to live on this earth in a way they would hate to be living? It is cruel for us to hold onto a body that the soul we once knew no longer lives in.
We later left the nursing home and went to my sister's house for lunch. The rest of the day went well. When I got home there was a card from John, Hunter, Hudson, and H*********(BG). John had to work and when he got home he cooked steaks on the grill and a very nice Mother's Day dinner. All in all it was a nice day, but I think I would have had a better day if it did not have a title on it. It is just another day I am reminded of what I have lost and what will never be. Even though I know the future is bright ahead and we will soon have our perfect little girl here in our arms ready for us to teach her about the world there are still so many moments I wish Hudson could be here.
Have you ever really looked at a hand? There are so many stories in a single hand. This picture is of my Grandmother's hand. Today my brother, sister, and I went to visit her in the nursing home. I started thinking about how long her nails used to be and all of the beautiful rings she used to wear. Now her hands are bone and skin. Sometimes I look at my own hands and wonder who mine resemble.
Our hands show love and support to others and also a firmness when we mean business. A hand can spank or console. There are so many things that we use our hands for. When we were training Hunter as a puppy I remember not wanting to spank him with my hand because I did not want him to think of my hands as a punishment but only as caring and nurturing. Hands tell your age; they tell stories with the fine lines and wrinkles.
I know my grandmother's hands would have plenty of stories to tell - 2 husbands, 1 son, 3 grandchildren...hard work on a farm....so much in 88 years that her hands represent.
This weekend was my youngest niece's Dedication ceremony. The church we attend has 2 dedication ceremonies - one in January and one in June. This was a private family and close (friend's of my sister/brother-in-law) friend ceremony at the church we used to attend. The gown Georgia is wearing was worn by all of my niece's on the Kirkland side as well as my sister and I. This same little chapel is where I was Christened as an infant.
Uncles and Aunts and Cousins - photo by Ashley Scoggins
**I brought both of my cameras, but unfortunately the camera I was planning on taking most of the pictures with was brought sans memory card...**