Friday, December 21, 2012

24 Weeks

How Far Along?: 24 weeks

Total Weight Gain?: To be honest I do not know, I try not to look at the numbers. I am just assuring myself that I get bigger with boys. Plus I just get big during pregnancy. So do my mom and sister. Sometimes you just have to roll with genetics. I'm not even sure if it is genetics, but I am going to claim that it is and blame it on that.
Maternity Clothes?: Yes, it helps my comfort level. I have had the same maternity clothes for all of my pregnancies with a few extras from  family and friends {thanks!}. Occasionally I will buy something, but it gives me a break from my regular winter wardrobe, which I have also not really purchased anything new because I want to be at the size I want before buying new clothes. I actually just boxed up a ton of clothes so to donate so I will have to buy new clothes for next year.

Sleep?: It is a little better. Heidi likes to sleep curled up next to me and lay on my arm. I go to be at 8:30ish with Heidi and I need to go to sleep that early because I get little consecutive sleep. I wake up earlier though which is nice.
Best Moment This Month?: As always my doctor appointments are reassuring. I love going and hearing the heartbeat.
Movement?: Yep!
Body Changes/Labor Signs?: Contractions every so often...nothing major.
Belly Button?: Normal.
What I Miss: Nothing so far.
What I Am Looking Forward To: I think we all know the answer to this one :)

My doctor appointment went great! I actually saw Beverly this time, and if you remember my history this was something I would have preferred not to do. Not her personally, but she was the NP in the room when the heartbeat could not be found. The strange thing, and I do not know why I have never put this together before, is that her last name is Hudson. So, I am sitting in the room alone crying {because I cry all of the time these days and I am still not over the Sandy Hook shootings} and I see the doppler on the table with her last name Hudson on it. What a sign, right? I was sitting there crying over all of the sadness in the world and here sits my sign reminding me that at one time I was in such a devastating world of grief, but I, sitting in the lap of God, overcame that dark place. It is the same dark place I was crying over, the dark grief that the families in Newtown are in right now, that I was crying over. My sign gave me reassurance that these families too will find their way out of the storm.

Monday, December 17, 2012

From a Mother who has Lost

My eyes are burning. They are burning so much that my head is aching. My heart is also aching, but that is what caused my eyes to burn. I am completely broken hearted and kneeling at the foot of the cross in prayer for so many right now. Please bare with me as this post will most likely be scattered because with burning eyes and an aching heart and head you never know what you are going to get in an end result. Sometimes I blog just to get it out of my head - writing my thoughts is much more thereputic to me than speaking words or letting the words float in my head. The latter makes me crazy - so crazy sometimes that I dread the alone times {luckily they are very few} and bedtime.

Maybe I should start at the beginning. I am grateful everyday for my sweet Heidi. Those of you that know me personally or "know" me through this blog know how much we prayed for Heidi and what John and I went through before Heidi. In one month it will be four years since we last saw and held our sweet Hudson. Life has changed tremendously since then and I am grateful for each and every second of what I have experienced. I am even grateful for the loss of my sweet son. That may sound horrible and strange to some of you, but it has taught me a lesson many of you will never know. Please do not get me wrong, I miss and ache for my son everyday, every second. I wish he was here to play with his loving sister and to welcome home his little brother.

I know what it is like to lose the most precious thing you could ever call yours. I know what it is like to not be able to watch a child's first kiss, first day of school, graduation, and pre-school plays. Watching a mother-son dance at a wedding can bring me to tears knowing that will never be me and Hudson. Knowing all of this makes me grieve daily. If I let myself I could have a pity party at every single event I attend. I almost did when watching the 3-year olds perform at Heidi's Christmas performance knowing that Hudson would be right there in the middle of them. What good would that be? It has only been four years, but sorry I feel there is not a limit to the learning curve when dealing with the loss of a child. Grief will show its ugly head for the rest of my life.

Back the grateful part. I am grateful because of how I view my life and time with Heidi. I know that at any minute it could be my last. When something so precious as an innocent child is ripped suddenly from your life you learn that the hard way. Even if you never took your blessing for granted you still are forever changed and have a different view of how short and precious time with your loved ones really is a beautiful treasure. I never go a day, a goodbye, a night, or a conversation without saying "I love you". It is pretty obvious we say that a lot in our house because she says it to us constantly. Kisses and hugs are as common as breathing. A day does not go by where I do not tearfully thank God for the most precious blessing I could not deserve.

On Friday the 14th I saw little mini feeds pop up on my phone from family and friends and I knew something horrible happened. I didn't want to know because when I know about awful things happening I never forget them and I imagine myself all too closely in the situation. About an hour later my sister asked me if I heard and she told me. I just stared at her blankly knowing that any movement would cause a hysterical cry.

Then the feeds on facebook exploded. Half of them I could not read because my eyes were in such a blur. There were the posts about these precious angels and the "firsts" that they would never be able to experience. I didn't need to hear their names or see their little faces because even looking at them I only see my precious Heidi. The scenes that I still to this moment have not watched play over and over in my head. The scenes haunt my already horrible dreams.

I feel as if I lost my own child in this massacre. Most people post about hugging their children extra tight and feeling blessed to have one more night with their child. I do these things already. I have already learned this lesson, so what do these events do to people like me? They devastate me completely. My eyes are burning because I have been crying over these children and imagining losing my child. Only I don't have to fully imagine because I know what it is like. The difference is I would be losing someone who has brought me such pure joy into my life. My loss of Hudson is a devistating loss and most cannot imagine the pain, but the loss of a child you have watched grow and develop? I cannot even compare my loss to that. I cannot compare, but I can imagine.

I know that if it were me who had just experienced the worst kind of pain and grief one could go through I would not want people jumping on gun law bandwagons, mental illness campaigns, or seeing a continuous banter of solutions. These things will come, but right now these families need to grieve. We need to give them that respect. Grieve first, solve the problems later. The way the media takes these stories and runs with them is sickening. I am sure these families cannot even listen to a common Christmas carol without being reminded of what took their precious angels and family members much less see everyone coming up with ways this "could have been prevented". Let these poor families have their season of grief. I know that immediately after losing Hudson I did not want to think about anything but my sweet boy and to grieve. It was not until months later that I was ready to face the other things.

The harsh reality is when it is time it is time. No one is immune to experiencing loss or death. Even in the safest place, the womb of a mother a baby can die. We can try as we might to do our very best to protect our family. It will never be enough because the punishment of sin is death and we must all face it. As much as I want to place my family in a bubble it would never be enough. Not only is it not enough, but it's not what we are called to do as Christians.

These thoughts and so many others play in my head. I sat at my doctors office just sobbing because of the grief these families are dealing with and facing. The ones who had their lives taken will forever be in our nation's hearts, if not the nation, but in mine for sure.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Christmas Show

Friday was Heidi's Christmas show at school. Each age group would be on stage singing a few songs for us while the Kindergartners played the "live nativity scene". Once again I went without any expectations of how Heidi would perform. You never know with this crazy little girl! For a couple of weeks we talked about how we were so excited to watch her sing on stage with her cousins and all her friends. We told her that mommy and daddy would be there, along with Grandma and Pop-Pop and everyone could not wait! Every so often Heidi would start singing little songs and I would ask her if that as one of the songs she was going to sing at school and she would tell me know. Apparently it was all meant to be a surprise.


Heidi did such a great job! I was so proud of her for going on the stage and doing all of her songs and motions. For a moment I did think things were going to go south when she spotted her daddy, but she got into it a little more when she saw him :) They sang Away in a Manger and Ho Ho Ho Hosanna.

As I sit and write this I cannot help but think of what was going on in Connecticut at that very same time. I have been sobbing for days and I am broken hearted. For now that is all I want to touch on the subject. It is not a time to jump on the 2nd Amendment debate or any other debates. Let these families grieve without having to read you harping on what might or might not be the issue of why this happened. There is so much I want to write, but out of respect for the grieving families I want to leave it at that.

For all the precious children whose footprints are forever ingrained in our hearts we still dream our dreams of you until we meet again. ~ Kelly Gerken

Join in a blogger day of silence in rembrance of these precious lives and their grieving families.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Catch up on Journey to #3

So, of course I have not gone half a pregnancy without documenting what is going on. I will admit that I have not been as diligent in taking pictures like I should, but there are a few I will share when I can upload. I will of course have my normal comparison shots. Not too much to write tonight, but catch up on the posts below if you want :)

Doctor - Take 1
Step 1
It's Time!
We are Expecting!
5 weeks
6 weeks
Regular OB - 11 weeks
16 weeks
20 weeks

Monday, December 10, 2012

Baby #3

Well, it has been made official - because nothing is official until its on Facebook, right? John and I are expecting our third baby. We could not be more excited! There are reasons, though, as to why we waited so long to let people know about our joyous news. Most of you are familiar with our life story. You all know of our sweet first born Hudson and how he is already in Heaven. That was almost four years ago. If you remember the major details of Hudson's story you will remember that Hudson's due date was the end of March and our new baby is due two weeks later than that - April 12th. To say I have been experiencing deja vu the last 22 1/2 weeks is an understatement. The pregnancy feels exactly the same; that is probably why I knew it was a boy immediately. {By the way - I am three for three in knowing our genders}.

Its scary. Really scary. I am put right back in the spot where I was four years ago. All I have been able to do is give everything to God and know that regardless of what happens I will be okay. Shortly after we found out we were expecting {August 7th}our church had a service where our preacher asked us to give what we were scared of {at least that is what I got out of it} to God - completely. After the service we were to write it out on a chalkboard. Pregnancy is where Satan can play with my head. This is were I am vulnerable in my life. I knew that I needed to take a stand and give this fear to God. So, on the chalkboard I wrote that I would not live in fear and I would trust in the Lord that I would have a smooth pregnancy and healthy baby at the end of this journey.

It has been an easy pregnancy, not counting the fact that I feel like my uterus is going to fall out every time I stand up, and I am thankful for that. I have not had any anxiety attacks - which is amazing. I have been able to enjoy my pregnancy so far - something I never thought possible. There have been a few hiccups that we have faced and are facing, but I am not letting them send me into a fury of google searches or freak out mode. At our last appointment {where we confirmed that my mother's instinct is top notch} we found that I have a 2-vessel cord instead of a 3-vessel cord. No one seemed alarmed at this finding, so I am not going to let myself get alarmed. The only thing they would see in the past is that babies with 2 vessel cords might not have 2 kidneys, but we have 2 so we are good there. I will be monitored closely, but I was already going to be monitored closely so the plan is still the same.

When we were told we were having another boy I cried. I was so excited. The first words I could say, besides, "I knew I was right" were "I know that God will not let anything happen to another little boy of mine". I felt that everything had to be okay. Living with that thought and then also reliving Hudson's pregnancy can be exhausting emotionally. To saw I am ready for March/April is an understatement.

I think part of me wanted to keep it a secret forever, well at least until after the delivery :) I know that would have been completely impossible. I was already running into people and at this point it is quite obvious that I am pregnant. Some people {me} just get big when they are pregnant. Its also my third, so there is that too. I didn't try to hide it intentionally, but I also did not want to volunteer the information quite yet.

Part of me was not ready. The questions and comments can be hurtful, even if they are not meant to be taken that way. I'm not ready to hear "you are going to love having a little boy" or comments about juggling two children. Putting the timing, the pregnancy in general, and the comments altogether can be overwhelming for anyone. There is still the fear of something happening and having to relive the grief again for a second time. The fear will always be there. I could probably go on to have 10 more babies {I'm not because seriously, my uterus is about to fall out...} and I would be scared with each of them.

As we continue on with this pregnancy please say a prayer for us. That everything will go smoothly and that there will not be any issues, that we will have a strong and healthy little boy.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Jingle Bells

Today Heidi had her first performance for dance! We were all so excited! Heidi practiced each night and we sang Jingle Bells on repeat. I was expecting anything to happen. I did not have any sort of expectations - she's two and a half who knows what will happen. Heidi had her leotard and tights one, her red bow and ponytail, and her jingle bells. We were ready....


While the big girls did this.....
Heidi did this:)


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