Pressure

One day I will have an upbeat post - I promise :) Wednesday John and I got a letter in the mail that was a copy of what was also sent to our specialist Dr. Odom. It was a recap from the genetics counselor at our special ultrasound. It had all the stats and all the findings and whatnot. In the letter it stated that John and I had made an appoint for amniocentesis at 16 weeks. When I read that it disturbed me - a lot. I knew we made an appointment, but we were to decide at that appointment after the ultrasound if we were going to have amniocentesis. I remember specifically telling her that we if the fluid had gone away (which we knew it would be by then) that we would elect not to have the amnio. When I told her that I do recall her saying that there could still be problems even if the fluid had gone away. That was the end of that part of the conversation. I thought she knew what we had wanted, but apparently not.

I called the genetics counselor on Thursday to make sure that the appointment was for the ultrasound and not just amnio. From the conversation we had prior she took out that we were going to decide between now and then if we would elect to have the amnio. I told her I didn't think it was necessary if the fluid had gone away. Miss negativity had to once again say, well there could still be a problem. I feel, and have felt this whole time, as if she is pressuring for the amnio. The thing about me is when I feel like someone is pressuring me to do something that I am on the fence about I will turn and do the complete opposite. I like to be in control of my decisions and not feel pushed or bullied to do things someone else's way. I told her I was not going to be pushed into something I wasn't comfortable with and I felt that she was pushing me. She asked what I expected to get out of the ultrasound - as in what would make or break the decision about the amnio. I told her - as I had already told her and she then said, well, if you aren't going to have the amnio at this appointment the ultrasound is pointless. The baby will be too small and the doctors will not be able to see what they need to see. What?!? Where was this little tidbit of information in the initial appointment? She then said we would need to reschedule for an 18 week ultrasound for the doctors to see what they needed to see.

What I really do not understand is why is she so pushy for the amnio - knowing I am clearly uncomfortable with it. Why wouldn't she have other options for couples? I remember looking at her office - noticing only one photo of her and I am assuming her husband. No pictures of children - so I am assuming she does not have children. From that assumption I would have to say that she apparently has never been faced with the difficult choice of endangering the life she is carrying within her. It must be easy to sit and push an invasive procedure when you do not have to face or worry about the consequences. For me I know that I am already a statistic - I am 1 in 115 in having a stillbirth child. Knowing that I fit into one statistic how could I not assume I wouldn't fall into the 1 in 400 for miscarriage after amnio?

Ever since that conversation I have been feeling really down - actually most of this past week I have felt down. I have felt defeated. I know I have not been defeated and I fully believe that everything is going to be just fine with our little one...then again it's so easy to say that, but when you have lived the fear that so many pregnant women have it is that much harder to live without the fear. Friday I started having that pit in my stomach fear again - that something was wrong. I had been feeling sick (my throat was so closed up and on fire) and I stayed home from work that day, but the fretting was getting me no where. Without taking a shower I rushed to the doctor's office (this time my regular OB's office which I refer to as the "black hole" because I sometimes feel like that is what I am being sucked into - ever since the news about Hudson) to get checked out. I just needed a doppler. I got to the receptionist and started babbling my story - those of you that know me personally know how fast I can talk and how and choked up I can get when I am upset. I got the story out and then she asked my name. I could not even say it - I just handed her my license. Who can't say their own name? She was so sweet and told me to wait for a moment and they would see me in the ultrasound room. I sat and waited - realizing I was alone; just like the last time when I heard the news about Hudson. I started praying - first that I would be going into a different ultrasound room and second that this was one of the 10% of the times that my intuition was wrong.

It was ultrasound time, and there it was, a little heartbeat beating 174bpm. I started sobbing. The lady was so sweet and understanding. I also mentioned to her about the fluid and how last week it measured at 3.5mm and she said she didn't do the screening, but a NT that big would show up like a bright light on her screen and she didn't see anything. What a blessing! We are still needing prayers that the fluid goes away - and that this baby is perfectly healthy, but isn't that such a statement to the power of prayer? After the ultrasound I went into a different room to talk to one of the NP's and she was great. My faith has been restored in this office (although I never lost faith in my actual OB - I adore her), but the past 3 visits before had not been pleasant. This time there was compassion and true concern for me and me needing reassurance. At least they know I am going to be a needy patient :)