Made It

I have made it to my own personal breathing spot in this pregnancy. I still cannot give a full "breath of relief", but I can let myself finally start to prepare for the arrival for our baby. This is crunch time for me. I have about 8 weeks until we will be bringing our little boy home. We have a lot to do, but we will have it finished in time. I still remember when we passed the 30 week mark with Heidi and the lady at the furniture store looked at me like I had one eye when she found out how long I had waited to order furniture. I have learned not to worry about other people and their time lines during pregnancy. You have to do what makes you feel comfortable and what works for you, it is the only way to get through the situations that are difficult for you.

So what do we have left to do you might ask? EVERYTHING. We are doing a little bit of room rearranging in our house, but in all reality the bed situation is not something I am too concerned about because Heidi still sleeps in our bed and this little bundle will be sleeping in our room as well. I am too paranoid not to have my babies safe next to me. I am still trying to figure out the logistics, but I think we will have the pack-n-play next to my side of the bed. With Heidi petrified of Swipper and these little invisible mice running around {which I found out was from watching Super Why - the episode with the rice cake eating mice} she is no where near sleeping in her room full time. She did try it a couple of nights this week. To be honest I don't mind that she sleeps in our bed. I sleep better knowing she is safe snuggled up next to me, even if I might not sleep at all.

This weekend I plan on washing and going through our hand-me-downs clothes getting them all set up in drawers and the closet. I also have to figure out possible outfits for the little one. I was calculating the 38 week mark which is the last weekend of March - also Easter. I am a little sad that I might miss out Heidi's Easter, but I know it will all work out in the end. I had mentioned this to John and how I wanted to maybe see if we could wait until that Monday, but he didn't see the point in that. After thinking about it a couple of days I know why he does not want me to wait. He has tickets to the Masters, well at least the practice rounds that week. I am on to your game there dear husband!!

I still have a feeling that this baby {who, by the way is possibly weighing in at 3lbs 7ozs} could possibly come on his own a little bit early and St. Patrick's Day is near that time, so I might need to have something for that as well! So many different scenarios.

Weekenders

Another weekend has past and here we are welcoming February! I am always amazed at how fast January comes and goes and then before you know it back again. I took a half day on Friday and picked up the little Goose from school. Heidi picked out her bow and sunglasses for the day. I try to let her have as much input in her outfits as weather appropriate as possible. It is hard to let her walk out of the house with something that does not match, but it is something that I am working on. So, if you see her wearing something funky know it was one of her creative days :)

We had a great time, as always, but did not too much. Heidi and I went back to my work for a little bit to see her daddy and then we all had lunch together. I opted out for nap time, even though I seriously needed a nap. For dinner we headed out to my current obsession - Cracker Barrel. I cannot get enough of this place. It was Heidi's suggestion, not mine at all this time. Usually we go on Saturday nights after church.

Why Heidi loves to go...

Why mama loves to go...

Saturday John headed to work while Heidi and I went shopping with my parents. Our first stop was to a local fabric store to pick out material for baby #3's nursery. We still are not even close to a name - so no, I am not just keeping it a secret, although it will be a secret once we pick it out until he arrives. Now that I am at 30 weeks I will allow myself to prepare for our baby to arrive. Soo...off to pick out material we went! Of course I will show you once it is finished. After material we all went to eat lunch and then to the mall to get some new shoes for our growing goose. 

Friday after school Heidi did not jump off a little curb that I normally let her jump off of because she said her shoes hurt her. I felt awful! I knew that Saturday would be a shoe shopping day. I have had her in size 5/6 shoes {seriously, it just depends on the shoe} and she measured at a 6 and 1/2 so she needs to be in a size 7. I felt like a horrible mama! We bought a pair of cute black ones, some plum dress shoes, and a cute pair of tennis shoes. The ladies at Stride Rite in the mall were so helpful! 

Our next stop was Belk because I needed some make-up and cleanser, staying loyal to Clinique ever since my June breakdown. We did make one little pit stop before Belk to Barnes and Noble. It was a little disappointing because they took the train away that was in the kids section. Heidi loved playing with that whenever we would come to the mall.

After leaving the mall we headed to church where John met up with us. I am sure Heidi and I looked a frightful sight. We had been out all day with no naps, my feet were swollen, I had not make-up on because I could not remember where I put my make-up bag. I am trying this new thing in which I find places for my things and if there it not a place for it I just throw it in the garage donate it. Apparently I found a place for my make-up and never thought to look in the new place. 

Sunday we had a family day. We cleaned, have I mentioned that I loathe that word? I also cannot stand a dirty house and this new organization kick is almost in full force. Heidi, John and I worked on the Valentine treats for her friends at school, played, painted a little outside, played with sidewalk chalk and went to the grocery store. John was wanting a hotdog and I told him I could only have a vegan one. I am not sure if that will be happening again - they were disgusting. Before bedtime Heidi entertained us with some dancing. I didn't get the best part on video, but you will have a little peek at her dance.

All in all a great weekend! Quiet and normal - for a few more weeks when we learn a new normal once again!

Attitude

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

~Winston Churchill

Have you ever thought about the thoughts that run through your mind each day? I did this week and it put me in such a horrible mood. There are some things in life that I am really having a hard time dealing with. One major problem is ending sentences with prepositions, but not one that I am going to try and fix right at the moment. I feel like I am letting my thoughts/opinions about others and their actions take control over my attitude. Does that make sense? I become angry for no reason. The anger is in my head only - never at a person. For instance, people constantly complaining about not having money and then they are talking about vacations they are going on or things they got for Christmas. Another is people "listening" to you and then going on to compare their life with yours when it is really like comparing apples to oranges. Other times its when people offer to do something for you and its only on their time and not when you are ready. Its hard to explain without telling full stories. Regardless I have been letting the attitudes of others and how they handle things influence my attitude. The past few days I have been going about my own business and I have stopped worrying about how others are living their lives and my annoyances with them. I have found myself to be a much happier person in doing this.

Another thing I really have a hard time with (and sorry if this hurts anyone's feelings - please do not take it personally) is children that were born after Hudson and before Heidi. I sometimes feel so jealous because I was there first, but yet I am last. Hudson would have been born first and I would be the one to know what to do first and I would not have to ask things to them. They would have been asking me. It really shouldn't matter, but it does. It doesn't make me not like the children, it just makes me sad and I don't like being sad. I should have a two year old, but I don't and that is still such a harsh reality that I don't think people understand.

Cry or No?

A couple of weeks ago I posted my status on Facebook as this:

"would like to know all of your opinions (without anyone fighting!!) crying it out - good or bad? THANKS!"

The response was incredible! About 60 total with either comments, messages, or phone calls. After reading everyone's responses and listening to my friends I decided to just to what felt right for John and I. You might remember my post about how I wanted to jump off a cliff because of Heidi screaming each day after I picked her up from my parents' house. Which, by the way, is almost non-existent at the moment - yay Heidi (and mama!!). SO, when I wrote the post about crying it out or not it was around the same time as the wanting to jump off a cliff and I decided I really could not sanely take all that crying. I would probably want to stick my head in the oven. Basically Heidi only will cry when she is placed in her crib to sleep - so we're co-sleeping for now. I know, gasp, and all of you saying, "she's going to be in your bed forever" and blah blah. No, she won't. I do not recall sleeping in my parents' bed (ever actually) when I was 18, do you? She goes to bed easily and it works. What's the harm in treating Heidi like a baby? She is a baby and all she wants is love and to be close to her mom.

Now, in no way am I saying that my way of doing things is better than how you are doing things for your family. There are so many ways to do things and there is not one set right or wrong way to do things, but I know that I am doing things the way that works for us and Heidi. Eventually she will be back in the crib, but for now she sleeps with us :) Heidi is going through a lot right now - she has had three teeth coming in right after the other without a break, growing up so much, and needing a lot of extra energy for all her crawling, pulling up, and trying to walk!

2 Years - late

No, I didn't forget. You never forget. Even though my ears are filled with the most joyous laughter and new word developing sounds; I still remember the day there was no sound. Its as clear as if it happened 10 minutes ago - hard to believe it was 2 years ago on January 16th. Some nights I am haunted by the silence. The only sound being my tears and my fight to be strong. In the day time during day dreams I have flashbacks of the soft little bundle I held that laid there unmoving. Still to this day I wonder what would have happened had they performed an ultrasound the week before. I should have been more insistent.

There is such a conflict of emotions. Hudson and Heidi were both born on the 16th of their birth months. When we celebrate a new month with Heidi its hard not to think how old Hudson would be. With each new milestone or development we celebrate with Heidi, its a constant reminder of what we didn't get to celebrate with him. Everything seems so bittersweet, yet I am able to separate the two emotions. Somehow it all works. I am still waiting for the "one day" to happen. You know the "one day" when it won't sting so bad when people say certain things. I am waiting for the "one day" when it will be easier to be happy for what others have rather than be sad about what I have lost.

Sometimes I Just...

want to bang my head on the steering wheel. I hate to admit it and I really hate writing about it, but its one of those things that needs to be documented in my life. Three days a week I take Heidi to my mom's house while I am at work. When I pick Heidi up I never know what I am in store for on the trip home. A nice quiet ride while Heidi sleeps/plays or me riding in a trance. What is this trance you wonder? I have to put myself in one or else I might drive off a cliff. The times when Heidi is not sleeping or playing in her car seat she is screaming - worse than screaming. She is yelling, choking on her screams - it is a nightmare.



I am sure that I am totally offending people by writing that I want to drive myself off a cliff because of my child's screams. You have to realize that even though I still sometimes cannot get over the fact that I am so blessed to have Heidi and that I thought I would never have a living child, I still have some sanity that is tested. The past month, ever since we came home from Pittsburgh, has been so rough. John and I were used to Heidi going to bed at 7:30PM, sleeping through the night and waking up at 8AM without having to do anything to coax her to sleep. No rocking, no crying - nothing. Just feed her and put her to bed and she would go to sleep. Now it is a completely different story. Now we have to do anything we can to get her to sleep. And her new "sleep" is in a couple of 2-3 hour shifts at night. So - I am living on little sleep at the moment and also driving in a trance.



The only thing I continue to tell myself, and that I know for sure, is that this passes and everything is really okay. Heidi is here, she's healthy, and she is absolutely wonderful. I would not pass up these screams for anything. Would I enjoy sleeping a full 8 hours and a peaceful ride home? Yes, absolutely.



I would never want to offend anyone that reads this blog. I do however want to put this post out there - because moms need to know that everyone can experience moments when they want to drive off a cliff. Even when you have lost a child and are heartbroken it can happen. I truly believe you appreciate things more when you have lost it before. As much as I still stare at Heidi wondering if she is real and as much as I thank God that she is here and thank Him for blessing me I still am human. Does that make sense? I mean I know everyone says you can still love something and still get frustrated - for example a screaming child. I guess what I really mean is having a child did not come easy to us and even though I am more grateful for her than I feel any other person could feel grateful for a child I still experience moments like I have described above. So if you are in the "pregnancy didn't/hasn't come easy and I have experienced a loss" club its normal to feel this way...

9 Months

Nine months ago today we received the news that devastated our lives. Our little Hudson was no longer with us. Then came the decisions, the painful choices and events. Nine months. In nine months a life could have been created and born. In our nine months we have buried a child, lost a job, found a new job, welcomed many new babies into the world, watched our house being built from beginning to end, bought our house, moved in our house, you see where I am going, right? It seems like an eternity, but yet it's really not that long ago that I was still pregnant. On this nine month anniversary we celebrated Hudson's life. My family, friends, John, and I lifted our balloons and released them to the sky in memory and in honor of Hudson. Not just for Hudson, but for all of the babies out there who are in Heaven. Candles were lit at 7PM all OVER THE WORLD - as a wave of continuous burning light - in order for these precious children to be remembered. The symbolism is much greater than any one human being can imagine. It's not only to remember these children, but it is to honor those that have walked this cruel and grief filled walk. To let them know that you are there for them - with love, actions, words, thoughts, and most importantly prayers.

The afternoon came and I checked my social website where friends already began to post pictures of their balloons and candles lit. I cannot even describe the feeling. To know that so many took the time out of their busy days, to stand in the rain, and release a balloon for Hudson. I began weeping at I the pictures started being posted. Maybe some tears for Hudson, but more for happiness. Happiness that those around a recognizing the life of Hudson and remembering him and all of the other babies. Friends and family posted about the day on their statuses and others would comment about their children that are no longer with us, that they never knew of such a day. Knowing that more people are being educated about this day is such a great feeling. I wish that we did not have a day like this because it is full of sadness, but I am glad we do have one to remember these children.

Below are some pictures from the balloon release and candle lighting. To those friends and family - thank you so much for celebrating with us and for honoring John, Hudson, (Hunter), and I in this wonderful way. We are blessed beyond imagination. **NOTE** I still have more pictures to add, including my own!!**

My cousins Blaine & Aislin and niece Olivia

Woodstock, GA

My brother Tres, Tina, and Olivia

My sister Vicki, Hubert, Hugh and Emily

Savannah, GA

John's brother Brad, Rebekah, Gavin, & Grace

Newnan, GA

John's sister Rebecca & David

Charlotte, NC

Stockunas Family

Philly, PA

Katie & Matt

Gainesville, GA

Lance, Stacy, & Harper

Tallahassee, FL

Lance's dad & step-mom

Tallahassee, FL

Stacy's Parents and brother

Perry, GA

Amanda & Randy

Macon, GA

Dennis, Maggie, & Luke

Columbia, SC

Curtis, Kaley, Landon & Selah

Raleigh, NC

Kara, Colin, & Kristi

Loganville, GA

Sherry, Ted, and Charles

Loganville, GA

Freddie & Brian

Marrietta, GA

Heather & Darrin

Atlanta, GA

Rebecca & Cameron

Fredericksburg, VA

Chris, Kristina, Grace, and Jack

Dallas, GA

Erin & Mark

Atlanta, GA

Lindsey & Blake

Atlanta, GA

Glorimar

Valdosta, GA

Johanna, Jon, & Emily

Milwaukee, WI

Kristi & Joel

Valdosta, GA

See that building in the back? That's where John proposed to me!!

Christine, Toby, January Baby, & Bun in the Oven

Griffin, GA

Bonnie

Savannah, GA

Gina, Dan, and Hadley

Dawson, GA

Carson, Eric, & Aiden

NY, NY

Whitney & her mom

Atlanta, GA

Kayley, Kevin, & Lacey

Brunswick, GA