VLOG - Still Life With Circles

Yes, I am here - I still exist :) Taking part in Angie's blog - still life with circles - and posting a VLOG (video blog?) where we are to read a post from a time in the past. I picked a post from July 2009 when I was participating in a weekly devotional type of blog.

A few sidebars:
- The camera does not like me.
- I have no make-up on and I look scary. I may rethink the strike against make-up.
- I make strange faces when talking to a camera and my mouth makes weird shapes.
- My shirt is too small so I will definitely be getting a larger one on Friday before I run in the Rock-n-Roll marathon....

Part 1

Part 2 (because I was videoing from my phone and my husband called and I had already done about a billion takes and I didn't want to start over again!!) HA!

Attitude

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

~Winston Churchill

Have you ever thought about the thoughts that run through your mind each day? I did this week and it put me in such a horrible mood. There are some things in life that I am really having a hard time dealing with. One major problem is ending sentences with prepositions, but not one that I am going to try and fix right at the moment. I feel like I am letting my thoughts/opinions about others and their actions take control over my attitude. Does that make sense? I become angry for no reason. The anger is in my head only - never at a person. For instance, people constantly complaining about not having money and then they are talking about vacations they are going on or things they got for Christmas. Another is people "listening" to you and then going on to compare their life with yours when it is really like comparing apples to oranges. Other times its when people offer to do something for you and its only on their time and not when you are ready. Its hard to explain without telling full stories. Regardless I have been letting the attitudes of others and how they handle things influence my attitude. The past few days I have been going about my own business and I have stopped worrying about how others are living their lives and my annoyances with them. I have found myself to be a much happier person in doing this.

Another thing I really have a hard time with (and sorry if this hurts anyone's feelings - please do not take it personally) is children that were born after Hudson and before Heidi. I sometimes feel so jealous because I was there first, but yet I am last. Hudson would have been born first and I would be the one to know what to do first and I would not have to ask things to them. They would have been asking me. It really shouldn't matter, but it does. It doesn't make me not like the children, it just makes me sad and I don't like being sad. I should have a two year old, but I don't and that is still such a harsh reality that I don't think people understand.

2 Years - late

No, I didn't forget. You never forget. Even though my ears are filled with the most joyous laughter and new word developing sounds; I still remember the day there was no sound. Its as clear as if it happened 10 minutes ago - hard to believe it was 2 years ago on January 16th. Some nights I am haunted by the silence. The only sound being my tears and my fight to be strong. In the day time during day dreams I have flashbacks of the soft little bundle I held that laid there unmoving. Still to this day I wonder what would have happened had they performed an ultrasound the week before. I should have been more insistent.

There is such a conflict of emotions. Hudson and Heidi were both born on the 16th of their birth months. When we celebrate a new month with Heidi its hard not to think how old Hudson would be. With each new milestone or development we celebrate with Heidi, its a constant reminder of what we didn't get to celebrate with him. Everything seems so bittersweet, yet I am able to separate the two emotions. Somehow it all works. I am still waiting for the "one day" to happen. You know the "one day" when it won't sting so bad when people say certain things. I am waiting for the "one day" when it will be easier to be happy for what others have rather than be sad about what I have lost.

Face 2 Face

Many of you might have heard of the group Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope when I wrote a post back in October. This group is dedicated to putting faces to miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. Recently the group has asked for team leaders in all areas of the country. These leaders would basically serve as a person responsible for starting "friendship groups" for BLMs in their area. I have volunteered to serve in the Savannah/Coastal Empire area. If you know of anyone that lives in this area - or you live in this area - please visit this link to facebook where details of events can be found. The first time to meet is in the beginning of February at Carrabbas! For other areas or to volunteer please click here :)

From their page:

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope is all about connection. Hopefully, through our website (and facebook page), you’ve been able to connect with other parents with stories similar to yours. While connecting online is great, there is still something really special about making a face-to-face connection with someone who ‘gets’ what it’s like to lose a baby.
Face2Face Friendship Groups are not meant to be formal ‘support groups,’ but rather simple gatherings of friends who share a deep common bond. Groups of friends hanging out, enjoying a meal or a cup of coffee (or tea! Or wine!), and talking about their babies.