2 Years - late

No, I didn't forget. You never forget. Even though my ears are filled with the most joyous laughter and new word developing sounds; I still remember the day there was no sound. Its as clear as if it happened 10 minutes ago - hard to believe it was 2 years ago on January 16th. Some nights I am haunted by the silence. The only sound being my tears and my fight to be strong. In the day time during day dreams I have flashbacks of the soft little bundle I held that laid there unmoving. Still to this day I wonder what would have happened had they performed an ultrasound the week before. I should have been more insistent.

There is such a conflict of emotions. Hudson and Heidi were both born on the 16th of their birth months. When we celebrate a new month with Heidi its hard not to think how old Hudson would be. With each new milestone or development we celebrate with Heidi, its a constant reminder of what we didn't get to celebrate with him. Everything seems so bittersweet, yet I am able to separate the two emotions. Somehow it all works. I am still waiting for the "one day" to happen. You know the "one day" when it won't sting so bad when people say certain things. I am waiting for the "one day" when it will be easier to be happy for what others have rather than be sad about what I have lost.

Sometimes I Just...

want to bang my head on the steering wheel. I hate to admit it and I really hate writing about it, but its one of those things that needs to be documented in my life. Three days a week I take Heidi to my mom's house while I am at work. When I pick Heidi up I never know what I am in store for on the trip home. A nice quiet ride while Heidi sleeps/plays or me riding in a trance. What is this trance you wonder? I have to put myself in one or else I might drive off a cliff. The times when Heidi is not sleeping or playing in her car seat she is screaming - worse than screaming. She is yelling, choking on her screams - it is a nightmare.



I am sure that I am totally offending people by writing that I want to drive myself off a cliff because of my child's screams. You have to realize that even though I still sometimes cannot get over the fact that I am so blessed to have Heidi and that I thought I would never have a living child, I still have some sanity that is tested. The past month, ever since we came home from Pittsburgh, has been so rough. John and I were used to Heidi going to bed at 7:30PM, sleeping through the night and waking up at 8AM without having to do anything to coax her to sleep. No rocking, no crying - nothing. Just feed her and put her to bed and she would go to sleep. Now it is a completely different story. Now we have to do anything we can to get her to sleep. And her new "sleep" is in a couple of 2-3 hour shifts at night. So - I am living on little sleep at the moment and also driving in a trance.



The only thing I continue to tell myself, and that I know for sure, is that this passes and everything is really okay. Heidi is here, she's healthy, and she is absolutely wonderful. I would not pass up these screams for anything. Would I enjoy sleeping a full 8 hours and a peaceful ride home? Yes, absolutely.



I would never want to offend anyone that reads this blog. I do however want to put this post out there - because moms need to know that everyone can experience moments when they want to drive off a cliff. Even when you have lost a child and are heartbroken it can happen. I truly believe you appreciate things more when you have lost it before. As much as I still stare at Heidi wondering if she is real and as much as I thank God that she is here and thank Him for blessing me I still am human. Does that make sense? I mean I know everyone says you can still love something and still get frustrated - for example a screaming child. I guess what I really mean is having a child did not come easy to us and even though I am more grateful for her than I feel any other person could feel grateful for a child I still experience moments like I have described above. So if you are in the "pregnancy didn't/hasn't come easy and I have experienced a loss" club its normal to feel this way...

A break...

So some of you readers have probably noticed I have taken a break from my daily blog posting. There is a reason for that and I am still trying to put my finger on what is going on in my life. John and I are still going to the fertility doctor to get me "fixed" and I think it's beginning to take a toll on me. I am assuming that I am getting impatient, not because I am ready to have more children, but more so because I still do not have my answers to what is happening with my body. Last week I had a biopsy of my endometrian and tomorrow John and I go back to go over results of the tests we have taken the past month. I believe there will be 2 different appointments because there are so many tests that were taken.

I have started venturing to blogs that are more on my path - ones that are composed by women that still do not have any children with them. I do read the blogs that I am already following because I like keeping up with those amazing women. I want to see that there is hope for me in these other women that are still having a hard time with having a living breathing healthy child - some of them just had their babies after facing so many tough years with loss. I know that hope is not lost on me, but I am just ready to find out what my options are and why my body is broken. I still to this day do not understand why my body didn't cooperate. I live such a healthy lifestyle - and still I see women doing the "wrong" things while pregnant and they have happy results. It's is so utterly frustrating.

So I am stuck in this rut - not knowing what I am doing and just falling through the motions of what we call life. Everyday I feel I am searching for myself and who I am supposed to be as I face new challenges. I am putting forth effort in all that I do - trying to occupy my time with something other than wallowing in my own self pity. Building a house, soon moving into a house, class reunion planning, teaching dance, taking dance lessons....nothing is satisfying. Who knows where this blog may end up going - so for those of you that read just bear with me on my "blog for the weary and tired".

I'm Tired

...tired of talking about pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I am so excited for ALL of my family and friends that are expecting. Amazing that every week someone new is pregnant. I think since we lost Hudson I have found out about 20 people are pregnant and that is probably an understatement. It truly is a great joy that new life is forming all around me. Well, all I can think about is getting pregnant (even though its not my time yet, I still have a few more weeks to wait) and its become an obsession with my mind. I am sad that one of my very best friends, one that would make a wonderful mother, has been trying for months and cannot get pregnant. Its crazy that at 27 years old children and having them is all that is ever discussed in dialogue anymore. Do you want to know the truth? I have always been scared of children. I never jumped at the chance to hold a newborn baby. I think the only ones I ever held were my nieces and nephews - and even then I was scared! I never baby-sat. Well, except that one time when I baby-sat for a little boy and girl and the boy tried to karate chop me and use me as his punching bag....maybe that's why - ha!
I have anxiety when I am left alone with a child; mainly because I am scared something dreadful will happen that I can't control. I also always knew that something would be wrong with me when it was my time to have children. Not that anything has been my fault, but I had a strange intuition that child baring would not come easy to me. Everyone else in my family (and most friends) hashad such an easy time with getting pregnant, staying pregnant and having healthy children, but you know how there is always that "one" in every family that things don't easily happen for? Well, I just knew it would be me. Call me pessimistic - which I am definitely not, but I like to prepare myself for the worst.
Usually I am so upbeat and positive and while I haven't lost that attitude I think this week has just been a sad one for me. Tomorrow would be the day we should have met Hudson for the first time outside of pregnancy. A girl that was due the day before me had her baby on Monday and all I could think about was that should be me....Hudson should still be inside of me squirming to get out of my overstretched belly. Instead I am working my hardest to lose my belly and the last 8 pounds of pregnancy weight. I haven't even lost the little dark line that forms below the belly button.
Oh well, soon everything will be easier - it has only been 2 months after all.