Mid-Life Crisis

About 2 months ago I had a breakdown. I would start at the beginning, but I really do not know where to begin. The best beginning I can think of is when I was at my cousin's wedding in July of 2010. I clearly remember putting make-up on. I have always leaned more to the natural side of make-up. Growing up my skin was constantly breaking out. I really think it has to do with the humidity down here. When I left for college I rarely had breakouts. When we moved back to Savannah, I started having breakouts again - not near as bad as before, but a few here and there. Its gotten better and what I think is bad might not be to some, but we all have our own measurements of bad and good when it comes to our own bodies.
Anyway, I put make-up on before we were leaving to go to the wedding and my sister looks at me {after I said I was ready} and asks me if I am going to put on any make-up. I told her I had and I am sure my face became flushed as I was trying to tend to Heidi as well as myself - we need to remember Heidi was 5 days away from being a month old at this point. So I told her that if she didn't like it then she could do it for me. She did, as always, and then we left. I would continuously remind my sister of this situation and she would constantly say how my generation {we are 9 years apart and clearly in different generations, right?} was so much more casual. I told her I liked casual and not wearing make-up, or too much make-up.

So knowing that the above incident happened 2 years ago and I still remember it clear as day we all know it has gotten to me, right? I have gone through so many phases in my life. I think I have always been one to wear mainly powder and mascara with chapstick/lip gloss. I occasionally would wear eye liner {y'all remember when we all wore the white/silver liner???} and eye shadow, but it was not an everyday wear. Maybe I was intimidated by the different make-up products, but I think it was more of not wanting to wake up in time to put all the make-up on. I think my mom always said that if it took you longer than 10 minutes then you were wearing too much. Or maybe it was 5. I cannot remember.

Now, flash forward to me turning 30. I have no idea why this has been such a hard age to reach. Its obviously a mental thing. I have had so many revelations and thoughts that are making me go CRAZY. There are days that I am lucky to leave the house having taken a shower. Ok, no it really is not that bad. I never leave the house not having showered. Except those rare weekend moments when I have to go grocery shopping. So maybe the shower part was a bit dramatic. So we can assume I have showered and dried my hair. That much would have been done. No make-up, maybe the front of my hair has been straightened. If it was raining I was definitely rocking the frizz curls. Usually my hair would be pulled back in a ponytail. The easiest thing for me was to grab one of our logo t-shirts and jeans and be done. Viola, ready for work!

After using the said approach for a few months I became so depressed with everything. I started thinking about what kind of woman that I want Heidi to grow up to be and how I needed to be a better example of certain things to her. This is where the breakdown came about. John was out of town for a couple of days for work and Heidi had to stay at my parent's house a couple of nights because I had recital rehearsals that went late into the night. It was a Thursday and I went into Ulta, looking so homely. I walked around for about 10 minutes and literally no one offered to help me. I then remembered the make-up counters in Belk and decided to try there. When I was starting high school my mom took me to the Clinque counter to learn what colors would be best for me. So, I headed to Clinque and looked around and a tall sales associate asked if I needed some help.

This is so embarrassing.

I told her yes.

She then asked what I needed help with...

I told her everything....

....and started sobbing.

Seriously. I started sobbing in the middle of the Clinique counter in Belk at the mall.

Who does that? Me, apparently. Of course it could also have to do with the hormones as well....but nonetheless I was so embarrassed that I was crying in front of a perfect stranger about nothing. It really wasn't "nothing" it was about my self-esteem and how poorly I felt about myself. My hair was going crazy, I wasn't losing weight, and my face was homely. So Kaleigh sat me down and proceeded to go over everything in the make-up world with me. It was perfect - the entire experience. I left with so much knowledge and power in my bag of products. So for a few days I did the full on make-up thing, but not so much right now. I do not think that I was a full fan of the liquid foundation and powder {and quick frankly John did not like all the "stuff" on my face} so I have gone to more of a pressed powder and then the rest of the stuff. Even actual colored lipstick. There are a couple of days where I am sans make-up, but for the most part I wear make-up.

Next, I also chopped all my hair off and added highlights. Yay, fun! I really like them and I hope to keep them, maybe even go a little lighter next time.

I feel that taking care of yourself is super important and that is something I want to be an example of to Heidi. I am not just talking about personal hygiene {which if you are wondering I am fine in that area - geeze} but more so in a general appearance. You don't have to buy things to make yourself look better or have money to do all these things, but you can make sure you get up each morning, fix your hair, and throw on some make-up. I know that adding in the make-up routine and not being as intimidated {especially in regards to the eye shadow} as I was has definitely made a world of difference to me.

Now, the weight loss on the other hand - that is a totally different story. I had strep throat about a month ago {maybe you can recall the correlation with catching up on the blog} and that lasted about a week {no gym} the next week I was still on antibiotics and they made me sick {no gym} then we went to Vegas {no gym} and then we were in Myrtle Beach {no gym} and I haven't been since...ugh. Maybe next week, right??