Face 2 Face

Many of you might have heard of the group Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope when I wrote a post back in October. This group is dedicated to putting faces to miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. Recently the group has asked for team leaders in all areas of the country. These leaders would basically serve as a person responsible for starting "friendship groups" for BLMs in their area. I have volunteered to serve in the Savannah/Coastal Empire area. If you know of anyone that lives in this area - or you live in this area - please visit this link to facebook where details of events can be found. The first time to meet is in the beginning of February at Carrabbas! For other areas or to volunteer please click here :)

From their page:

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope is all about connection. Hopefully, through our website (and facebook page), you’ve been able to connect with other parents with stories similar to yours. While connecting online is great, there is still something really special about making a face-to-face connection with someone who ‘gets’ what it’s like to lose a baby.
Face2Face Friendship Groups are not meant to be formal ‘support groups,’ but rather simple gatherings of friends who share a deep common bond. Groups of friends hanging out, enjoying a meal or a cup of coffee (or tea! Or wine!), and talking about their babies.

7 months

Heidi - today you are 7 months old!!

• You are at almost 20 lbs and 25" long! I cannot believe how you are "so big", but yet you still look so little compared to other babies.

• Currently you are wearing 6-9 and 6-12 month clothes. Most of your 9 or 12 month pants are still too long for you.
• Sleeping is not a pleasant experience right now. You were doing so well and lately you do not want to sleep away from mama.
• Remember when I was worried you would never take a pacifier? Well no more - you love it and it is so funny when you see it! When we are holding it you will snatch it out of our hands. If we have the back end in our mouth you think its so funny and you imitate the scene from Lady and the Tramp.
• Diapers are a size 3.
• I cannot figure out if its the car seat you hate or its the being away from mommy that makes you scream. Sometimes you are fine, but the other times you scream your head off when you are in the car.

• Still sitting in the big people church and not at nursery. I am not sure when that will happen, but I imagine it might happen soon with you wanting to be mobile and all your squirming and babbling you are doing.
• You are still nursing and eating a couple of solid food meals a day. Its bad to say, but it is so much easier just to feed you your milk and sometimes I do not think about other food. We have been letting you eat more bananas and apples and I think someone snuck you some ham the other day...
• You are such a happy baby - always smiling and laughing! Of course we (I) have a camera in your face so often you have naturally become accustomed to smiling when a camera is put in front of your face. That becomes a little tricky when I want to video you doing something :)
• You are officially crawling!! You have been crawling a lot lately, but I think after the past few days we can consider you an official crawler.
• We have so may toys for you, but you always go straight for the tag to chew on!
• Not only are you crawling, but you are pulling up on everything. No longer can we set you down and let you play because the moment we turn back around now you are somewhere else pulling up on something! Its not that we don't like you pulling up, but sometimes you forget you still need to hold on to things when you stand yourself up.

Stevie's Wedding

This weekend I went to Augusta with my parents for my cousin Stevie's wedding. It was just beautiful! There was still a bit of snow left on the ground in the shady spots. Mostly pictures here!

My Bucket List

There are so many things I want to do, learn and experience. Every time I see something really neat I say, "I want to do that!!" Usually its wacky and unrealistic, but who knows! It could happen. SO, I have made a list. I do not have a deadline, but I want to try and do as many things as I can on my list. Of course I can add to it as much as I would like and I will re-publish it when I add things or complete a task. Hopefully I will be able to take a picture of each thing I complete and write a little blog post about it! The list is in no particular order! I know there are some items I might not get to do, but I should at least make an effort, right? John, if you are reading this don't be the "DC" as I lovingly nicknamed you the other night :) Love you!

The List:
1. Run a 10k
2. Get 100 photographs printed (0/100)
3. Go to a shooting range.
4. Learn a new craft
5. Run a half marathon
6. Run a marathon
7. Take my mom on a trip
8. Do a Time Lapse Photography project
9. Watch the sun set & rise from the same spot in the same day.
10. Watch a meteor shower
11. Compete in a triathlon
12. Learn to surf
13. Learn conversational Spanish
14. Learn sign language
15. Learn to play the piano – again.
16. Learn some basic ballroom dancing – Salsa, Waltz, Cha-Cha…
17. Ride in a hot air balloon
18. Travel by train somewhere with someone - again
19. Go to a state I haven’t gone to yet
20. Go scuba diving
21. Take a canopy tour
22. Break a Guinness World Record
23. Visit all 50 states (18?/50) not just the airport!
24. Visit all 7 continents (2/7)
25. Solve the Rubik’s Cube
26. Make a list of 100 books to read and read them (0/100)
27. Go to graduate school
28. Be an extra in a film.
29. Own a beach or mountain house.
30. Mush a dog sled
31. Watch turtle hatch and run for the ocean
32. Volunteer (0/12)
33. Go on a picnic
34. Swim with the dolphins
35. Go whale-watching
36. Go on a safari
37. Ride a camel
38. See a play on Broadway
39. Attend an Olympic event
40. Attend the Kentucky Derby and wear a cute hat.
41. Become up to date with my scrapbooks
42. Document all things on the list by blog/photo/both.
43. Learn boxing
44. Travel across country
45. Take a basic self-defense class.
46. Do a polar bear swim
47. Ride a mechanical Bull
48. Ride an elephant
49. Eat a hot dog from an NYC street cart.
50. Be on the Amazing Race
51. Pick apples
52. Try a unicycle
53. Be a stay at home mom.

Sometimes I Just...

want to bang my head on the steering wheel. I hate to admit it and I really hate writing about it, but its one of those things that needs to be documented in my life. Three days a week I take Heidi to my mom's house while I am at work. When I pick Heidi up I never know what I am in store for on the trip home. A nice quiet ride while Heidi sleeps/plays or me riding in a trance. What is this trance you wonder? I have to put myself in one or else I might drive off a cliff. The times when Heidi is not sleeping or playing in her car seat she is screaming - worse than screaming. She is yelling, choking on her screams - it is a nightmare.



I am sure that I am totally offending people by writing that I want to drive myself off a cliff because of my child's screams. You have to realize that even though I still sometimes cannot get over the fact that I am so blessed to have Heidi and that I thought I would never have a living child, I still have some sanity that is tested. The past month, ever since we came home from Pittsburgh, has been so rough. John and I were used to Heidi going to bed at 7:30PM, sleeping through the night and waking up at 8AM without having to do anything to coax her to sleep. No rocking, no crying - nothing. Just feed her and put her to bed and she would go to sleep. Now it is a completely different story. Now we have to do anything we can to get her to sleep. And her new "sleep" is in a couple of 2-3 hour shifts at night. So - I am living on little sleep at the moment and also driving in a trance.



The only thing I continue to tell myself, and that I know for sure, is that this passes and everything is really okay. Heidi is here, she's healthy, and she is absolutely wonderful. I would not pass up these screams for anything. Would I enjoy sleeping a full 8 hours and a peaceful ride home? Yes, absolutely.



I would never want to offend anyone that reads this blog. I do however want to put this post out there - because moms need to know that everyone can experience moments when they want to drive off a cliff. Even when you have lost a child and are heartbroken it can happen. I truly believe you appreciate things more when you have lost it before. As much as I still stare at Heidi wondering if she is real and as much as I thank God that she is here and thank Him for blessing me I still am human. Does that make sense? I mean I know everyone says you can still love something and still get frustrated - for example a screaming child. I guess what I really mean is having a child did not come easy to us and even though I am more grateful for her than I feel any other person could feel grateful for a child I still experience moments like I have described above. So if you are in the "pregnancy didn't/hasn't come easy and I have experienced a loss" club its normal to feel this way...

Follow or not

Today I thought - "hmm..I need to write a blog post today - about something, anything". It seems as if whenever I have a chance to write I never have anything in my head, but when I have everything in my head I never have a chance to write! So I went onto the Blog Frog to see if there were any fun "blog hops" to link up to with great ideas on blog posts. Every single hop was about trying to get more followers. It kind of makes me wonder why people are always wanting more followers. Sure its pretty fun to see a group of people that read what you have to say, but if your blog was a truly interesting blog wouldn't that create a following for you in itself? I guess not and maybe that's why people post their blogs onto hops in order to have people visit over to their blogs. I'm sure its great to have such a large following out there, but really I think I would definitely fail miserably with feeling like I continually needed to write something or do something cool and creative to keep my audience happy. I like my little circle of readers and friends I have now :)

Its so crazy how many different, yet similar, blogs there are out there. It made me think about when I really became involved in blogging. For awhile I blogged and no one even knew I had one and then, after Hudson, is when I publicized my blog. It was so much easier to write how I was feeling rather than talk about it. Of course, like most personal/family blogs, mine has transformed back into what it originally started out as - a family journal and way for out of town family to see what we're up to. It always has been that, but I guess at some point it turned into something more and something with more substance.

Georgia's Birthday

Tonight we celebrated Heidi's cousin Georgia's birthday!

Swan Lake

I was able to see Swan Lake performed by the Russian Ballet! It was amazing! I adore ballet and everything about it. When I watch performances like this it makes me miss performing on that level so much. I know that I was such a good dancer - never on the level as the principle dancers, but I could have been a flower or swan or something :)

You must check out these videos. Both are my favorite parts of this ballet. The first is the Pas de Quatre (the four swans). SO much talent. Not only being able to dance, but dancing in sync while linking arms. The second is from part of the black swan dance. 32 Fouettes - that's all I have to say. I do believe that on this particular video she does about 27, but regardless...amazing. These videos are ones I found on youtube, not from the performance I attended.

Christmas Cards

I am looking for ideas. I LOVE Christmas time and all the Christmas cards - everyday we had at least one card in our mailbox. There is something so magical about Christmas time and the Christmas cards. Maybe its my love of snail mail. Each day I rush to the mailbox, something I have done just about my entire life. I usually am late getting my cards out. Sometimes I only send half out and then find the other half in a guest room about a month later...so if you didn't get a card from me (and there is a chance you could be getting one in a couple of days!) - well, I sent it mentally. I promise to be on top of it next year and mail them out Dec. 1st!!

Anyways - my only issue is what to do with the cards after the season? I could not dare throw them away! So, what do I do? What do you do?

Here and There

I think I have updated my blog on the past few months with what events have taken place, but I have not been able to write a "heart to heart" blog in awhile. I do not know how this crazy life began to get even crazier. I know at some point I used to have everything all set in its place and all things were in perfect order. Now I cannot leave the house without forgetting something. Somedays its my lunch, my phone, Heidi's milk - something. Slowly I think I am beginning to get it all back together. The past few nights have been better and John and I have been able to have some down time. Heidi has had the most difficult time getting to sleep and staying asleep ever since we went to Pittsburgh. Maybe its the season of sugar! I am once again taking the processed sugars out of my diet. I am never going to lose the baby weight if I don't. Only a couple of months left of my 9 months on/9 months off schedule. That's how it was with Hudson. I am not one of the lucky ones who has the fat sucked off of them while breast feeding! Unfortunately I have to add a lot of extra snacks - sometimes I feel like I eat more now than I did while I was pregnant! I can, however, make sure I am eating the right foods and take out the sweets in my diet.
This season of Christmas was so different from last year. I remember feeling completely and utterly depressed about not having Hudson and about the possibility of something being wrong with Heidi. There were some moments this year where I could feel myself slipping into the same pool of sadness, but there does not seem to be too much "down" time in my life where I can dwell on the sad thoughts. I guess that can be good and bad. There are new levels to where I experience the grief of Hudson not being here. I was talking to someone and they were commenting on how cute their two kids were when she caught then sitting and playing together on the bottom step of their porch and how sweet and exciting it was to see them. Moments like that make me sad knowing Heidi will never have that time with Hudson nor will I be able to have the joy in seeing them interact. This year I should have had a toddler that I needed to chase around getting him out of the tree or to hide presents from...but it is all delayed still for another year. Next year we will be having those moments with Heidi. Only one when there should be two.
I am working on trying to find some sort of balance in my life. As a wife and mother I sometimes feel like I let myself and my needs get lost in the shuffle. I want to make sure John and Heidi are both cared for and happy and it can sometimes make me feel like I am just a prop in my own life rather than an actual character. With working and taking care of Heidi I have found it to be rather difficult to upkeep my portions of the housework. John has been great (luckily he is a neatfreak!!) at taking up my slack. A couple of months ago we had to sit and have a heart to heart about our family life because we were both so frustrated at each other. Me at him because I was exhausted in Heidi's daily activities and work and him with me because of the housework. Slowly I am trying to make more time to do things I enjoy - for instance getting back to regularly blogging and taking care of things like waxing my eyebrows :) Heidi is finally able to "big girl play" so I am able to pick up more housework chores as well.
A couple of months ago I had mentioned about the car selling and giving my bonus to our church. Well....I made the bonus! Never had I been so excited to give money to our church! We gave our check (I never deposited it - just signed it over) at the Christmas Eve service.
I am sure much more has been going through my crazy head and hopefully I am able to finally make time to blog about those crazy thoughts. Until then - Happy New Year! I hope 2011 is a quiet and uneventful year for the Henninger Family!!

Crawling

She's trying so hard!! I am sure by the end of this month she will be crawling around like a pro :)