I think I have updated my blog on the past few months with what events have taken place, but I have not been able to write a "heart to heart" blog in awhile. I do not know how this crazy life began to get even crazier. I know at some point I used to have everything all set in its place and all things were in perfect order. Now I cannot leave the house without forgetting something. Somedays its my lunch, my phone, Heidi's milk - something. Slowly I think I am beginning to get it all back together. The past few nights have been better and John and I have been able to have some down time. Heidi has had the most difficult time getting to sleep and staying asleep ever since we went to Pittsburgh. Maybe its the season of sugar! I am once again taking the processed sugars out of my diet. I am never going to lose the baby weight if I don't. Only a couple of months left of my 9 months on/9 months off schedule. That's how it was with Hudson. I am not one of the lucky ones who has the fat sucked off of them while breast feeding! Unfortunately I have to add a lot of extra snacks - sometimes I feel like I eat more now than I did while I was pregnant! I can, however, make sure I am eating the right foods and take out the sweets in my diet.
This season of Christmas was so different from last year. I remember feeling completely and utterly depressed about not having Hudson and about the possibility of something being wrong with Heidi. There were some moments this year where I could feel myself slipping into the same pool of sadness, but there does not seem to be too much "down" time in my life where I can dwell on the sad thoughts. I guess that can be good and bad. There are new levels to where I experience the grief of Hudson not being here. I was talking to someone and they were commenting on how cute their two kids were when she caught then sitting and playing together on the bottom step of their porch and how sweet and exciting it was to see them. Moments like that make me sad knowing Heidi will never have that time with Hudson nor will I be able to have the joy in seeing them interact. This year I should have had a toddler that I needed to chase around getting him out of the tree or to hide presents from...but it is all delayed still for another year. Next year we will be having those moments with Heidi. Only one when there should be two.
I am working on trying to find some sort of balance in my life. As a wife and mother I sometimes feel like I let myself and my needs get lost in the shuffle. I want to make sure John and Heidi are both cared for and happy and it can sometimes make me feel like I am just a prop in my own life rather than an actual character. With working and taking care of Heidi I have found it to be rather difficult to upkeep my portions of the housework. John has been great (luckily he is a neatfreak!!) at taking up my slack. A couple of months ago we had to sit and have a heart to heart about our family life because we were both so frustrated at each other. Me at him because I was exhausted in Heidi's daily activities and work and him with me because of the housework. Slowly I am trying to make more time to do things I enjoy - for instance getting back to regularly blogging and taking care of things like waxing my eyebrows :) Heidi is finally able to "big girl play" so I am able to pick up more housework chores as well.
A couple of months ago I had mentioned about the car selling and giving my bonus to our church. Well....I made the bonus! Never had I been so excited to give money to our church! We gave our check (I never deposited it - just signed it over) at the Christmas Eve service.
I am sure much more has been going through my crazy head and hopefully I am able to finally make time to blog about those crazy thoughts. Until then - Happy New Year! I hope 2011 is a quiet and uneventful year for the Henninger Family!!
3 hours ago