Friday, June 25, 2010

Heidi's Here - Part 2

So, we got through the birth part of the story...they finally finished with Heidi and she was back in my arms where she belonged. I don't think we stopped staring at her the rest of the day. We were then taken to our new room - which was fantastic because we were in a big room and not one of the small "dorm" rooms. The drugs started to wear off and the itching began - oh I hate the itching! We instantly began trying to read all of Heidi's signs - eating, diapers, etc. John changed her first diaper and then later we heard the loudest little tooting sound and we could not stop laughing. John is already a pro at changing her diapers.

It was strange being in the hospital. You know how smells bring back memories? I had to go about the labor and delivery after care just like I did with Hudson. The same products were used, etc. So instantly those smells took me back 17 months. Talk about a mix of emotions. I just gave birth to my daughter and now I have the same smells to associate with her birth. Crazy how now a smell with make me happy and sad for two different reasons.

We stayed in the hospital a total of 3 nights - we were so ready to get home! There is no way to recover in a hospital with people coming in left and right and poking and prodding you everywhere. By the way - child birth is one of the most humiliating things by the way that everyone is inspecting you and checking you out. It really gets uncomfortable. Really. Friday came and we knew it was time for us to go home! YAY! As soon as our new nurse came in our first question was, "how long until we cane leave?" The nurse said she only had to fill out the paperwork and then we could leave within the next hour. It was about 2 hours later and we were released! I rode in the little wheelchair - with Heidi in my arms. Ahh...what a moment. John had already loaded the car up and then he went ahead and grabbed the car. I sat in the little tunnel area in the wheelchair silently sobbing because this moment was so intense - my arms were full and I was bringing one of our babies home. So surreal. Sometimes I still cannot even believe that we have a baby in our house and she's staying.

Heidi already loves her hands and she has so much personality with them. She will throw one in the air and turn her face so fast! She makes the cutest little faces and noises when she's about to nurse. When she's sleeping she makes little puppy dog sounds and we love every second we have spent with her. Sometimes we sit and just stare at her and there are moments when she looks so much like Hudson it is crazy. These few weeks will be the only times we will be able to compare her looks to Hudson, but as she grows I think we will be able to see Hudson live on through her by seeing how he might have grown to look.

Last night Heidi was sleeping on me - one of my favorite things to do - and I was sitting there just memorizing every bit of her. She was only wearing a diaper at the time, but it made me sad that slowly memories of holding Hudson and memorizing his little body were disappearing. All that will soon be left are the pictures and fuzzy recollections of things. It is such a hard balancing act of honoring Hudson and his memory while being so excited to celebrate Heidi being here and enjoying her life. There is no way to even compare how the both of them have had an impact on my life; each of them in their own special way. I used to wonder how I would be able to raise Heidi (before we were pregnant with her and while I was pregnant with her) without making her feel inferior to Hudson. I now know that I would never be able to make her feel that way. She has already brought so much joy and life into our little family and it is an indescribable feeling.

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