It is all so surreal. From the moment we found out about Hudson I never thought I would experience the joy of having a living breathing child. From that moment I didn't think I would have the chance. It hurt too much to even think about having other children and not having Hudson. With God's timing - not ours at all - we found out we would be expecting our 2nd little precious one. I was filled with every emotion possible. Fear, anxiety, worry, anger, but most of all joy. I didn't know how this journey was going to go. I was a basket case some days while others were "normal". I wanted this more than anything. I wanted to hold my living, breathing, healthy child in my arms. I wanted to watch he or she grow and have their own children. I didn't want to be hurt again.
Next we found out we were having a little girl. What woman does not have dreams of having a sweet daughter? One to share secrets with and share the bond of womanhood. I can also say having a little girl made it easier in separating this pregnancy from Hudson. It helped not having to look for boy names or boy clothes. I enjoyed looking at all things pink and dreaming of my little ballerina. I don't know how I got through it all - well, I do, but I guess I am more amazed through it all. I had 4 anxiety attacks while anxiously waiting for our sweet little girl. My little family had more prayer than any other family I know. We are blessed beyond measure in the support we have - near and far; close and acquaintances. You would think I would be angry at God for letting one live and one die. In know way has that thought ever crossed my mind. Yes, I do still wonder "why Hudson", "why me", but I have learned so much that God is faithful to His promises. I know now that I had priorities to get in order, miracles I needed to appreciate, and lives that needed to see faithfulness in God for their own eternal future.
While being pregnant with Heidi was not uneventful it was easy. She always did and knew what she was supposed to do. I was tested by the devil with worry of whether she would even be with us. Each day that passed was one more day closer to her arrival. I knew that however our story went it would have some sort of ending or continuance. Everyday Heidi grew stronger and so did the prayer. I know everyone talks about the power of prayer, but feeling it for the length of time we did (as we still are is) was amazing. Prayer for our daughter turned into more than just prayers for her - the prayers helped others start relationships with God, strengthen relationships that were taken for granted, and to strengthen relationships with God. The big miracle is that when praying for one thing you never know the domino effect prayer will have. Just as there was a huge domino effect from the prayers during the hard months with Hudson there was/is a huge domino effect from Heidi as well. I feel so proud to have both Hudson and Heidi already, in their short little lives, to have made huge impacts on the lives of others.
From the moment we found out we were going to be induced it was emotional. On the 15th of January we found out we were being induced with Hudson - Heidi was the 15th of June. Both Heidi and Hudson were born on the 16th of their birth months. I was wearing a black shirt and khaki bottoms both times we found out about being induced. This time it was so strange. John and I were so excited we were about to meet our living and breathing daughter. Part one (pregnancy) of Heidi's journey was ending and part two was about to begin. For two hours (before checking in at the hospital) we ran around making our last minute arrangements and gathering everything we needed. For the first time in both of my pregnancies I was nervous about caring for my child. I knew love and appreciation were not a problem at all. I knew I was already a great mother and would be in Heidi life as well, but I didn't know what kind of parent I would be. That is what Heidi has made me - and I have no clue what I am doing. John and I are newbies - Heidi's diapers are the first we have changed. She's the first newborn we have been fully and totally responsible for aiding in life. It all became scary! I'm not even a "kid person".
We arrived in the hospital at 6PM on Tuesday night and began the process of inducing labor with cervidil - in order to open the cervix. I slept for 1 whole hour. Wednesday began the early round of pitocin - after a grueling cold shower. Our nighttime nurse remembered me from delivering Hudson last January. She was not my nurse back then, but she remembered working with our nurse Julie that night. Isn't that crazy? John and I took about an hour nap and were then awoken to "good morning we're here to break your water!" at 8AM. Contractions came (I had been having them all night) and they began to get fierce due to the pitocin. Around 10:30 they were so bad that I couldn't concentrate on my breathing and I would get nauseous just from breathing. The nurse asked if I wanted to try a different position and I did, but it got worse. She asked if I was ready for the epidural and that's when the tears started rolling. The epidural frightens me to death. I did have one with Hudson, but I think I was just walking in a fuzzy cloud during his delivery and I didn't know what was going on until it was happening. I have always been scared of back pain afterwards (my sister-in-law Tina had (still is having) major back problems after having Olivia 4 years ago) as well as paralization. I ended up having one after 4cm. After the procedure I felt so much better.
I cannot remember if this happened before or after the epidural, but my nurse went on to say that she knew this was already and was going to be more emotional for me and it was going to bring back so many emotional memories. She suffered a loss years ago before having other children as well and told me how emotional it was for her in deliveries after that. We hugged and cried together. Next family members were allowed to come back in and then I sat there waiting - wishing I could take a nap. John was taking a nap - he was snoring. Both our moms were in the room on the other side when I started calling out John's name to come over to my bed. I don't know why I was whispering, but I told him that I was feeling pressure and I thought it was time. He went to grab the nurse; she checked and I was right! It was time! John's mom left and John and my mom each took a side of the bed. We were ready to go! I started pushing with the contractions - oh how great it felt to push finally! Then we waited, and waited...and waited for my doctor to get in. I had to stop pushing and hold it in again and that was not too comfortable. So - doctor came and then Heidi made it into the world!! Screaming :)
You have no idea (well, if you have been there you do) how amazing, amazing, that sound was to our ears. Tears were poured from all. Well, I think I was smiling and trying to figure out what everyone was doing and asking questions like "why is she purple" or "what's going on over there" or "why isn't she making any noise over there". John was by my side the whole time with tears and I told him to go hang out with his daughter. He had the biggest smile on his face! It was beautiful to see and to be in that moment with him. I had to sit in my little chair (bed - whatever) and get finished up, but I couldn't stop watching them with Heidi. I was so ready for her to be with me!
I will add more later, but I wanted to get part of the story out while everything was still fresh! It has taken a couple of days to write this because we are enjoying our little Heidi to the fullest! Our should we say - learning what to do with a baby :) By the way - we picked out Heidi because we liked it (it means perky) and Jewell is my grandmother's middle name; my grandmother that passed away last month. We had already chosen her middle name before my grandmother died, but its such a special name!