There's Nothing Terrible about 2!

Oh goodness - Heidi has turned 2! I cannot believe we have gone from finding out we were expecting, to our pregnancy issues, to FINALLY being born, her first birthday, and now she is two years old! This is crazy. It makes my heart so happy to think back on the past 2 years Heidi has been here and it brings such joy to continue to watch her grow and become her own little person. Heidi is so full of love and compassion for others. I am amazed at how much my little sponge has soaked in during the first 2 years of her life. Each day I shake my head in awe at the words and thoughts coming out of her mouth. SLOWLY Heidi is gaining her independence. I am such a believer in letting a child wean from breastfeeding on their own to help aide in letting children slowly find their independence. There are times, of course, that I would like for Heidi to have more independent play, but I am going to soak it all up now while I can because there is going to be a day {soon - I am sure} when Heidi will not want to cuddle in my arms, say, "mama hold you", sleep snuggled next to be in bed, give kisses, or want anything to do with mama in general. {lots of pictures below - but more writing as well!}

For two years I have been blessed to be the mama to the sweetest little girl in the world {yes, I see you rolling your eyes and thinking "whatever, -insert your child's name- is the sweetest ever"} and I have loved each and every minute of the time we have spent together. You are coming around more and more to daddy - as in you will play with daddy more when mama is around. Oh Heidi Jewell, I do not think you will ever know how much you are loved by your mama and daddy. You have brought so much joy, love, excitement, and fun into our house.

We gave you a little dollhouse for your birthday and you LOVE it! I love watching you play with all the rooms and moving the people all around the house. It warms my heart to watch you play.

Your birthday party was on Saturday the 16th {your actual birthday}and it was such a fun pool party! You and your friends had a great time {minus poor Eli being stung by a wasp}. The party was full of swimming, grilling and more swimming! Your Uncle Brad, Aunt Bekah, and cousins Gavin and Grace came to spend a couple of nights and y'all had such an amazing time! Saturday night {after the entire household took naps} we headed to Chedders for dinner. Sunday we all went to the beach and then the Crab Shack! Later we took naps and our guests left to go back to their home.

• You LOVE baby dolls and anything that has to do with them. You are so nurturing.
• You love your Bubba - Hunter. You give him kisses and hugs and love to be around him. You ask where he is all the time if he is not around.
• You love to cuddle and say "I love you mama" all the time - I hope you never stop!
• You love rough housing with daddy, even though sometimes it makes mama's heart stop
• You have quite the imagination! I love watching you play and how you place things and what you pretend things are around you.
• You "read" now constantly and love anything to do with learning.
• You and "who that is" when you want to know what the name of an item/thing.
• Summer/spring favorites include bubbles, sidewalk chalk, ice cream cones, and SWIMMING
• You are a little fish. I am amazed at your fearlessness in the water! You LOVE it!
• Your manners are wonderful - please, thank you, yes mam, no mam, etc. Of course we you have your moments, but for the most part you are very well mannered.

The other day, when daddy and I were picking out your birthday present we were talking about how our life is and all we have been through up until this point in our lives. We know that the way life is is the way it is supposed to be. It is sad not having your big brother here, but who knows how life would have been if he had been here. Would you be here? Would you be the way you are? So many unanswered questions. What we do know is that we could not imagine life without you. We really do not question the cards we were handed in life very often - we just accept it and run with it.

Hand-Me-Downs

We got our latest batch of hand-me-downs this week - yay! Heidi fell in love with this bathing suit that was definitely way too small for her. Half the time Heidi kept making it into a thong...I will spare you those pictures.

What Do You Do?

Today I received a message from an acquaintance from college who recently gave birth to twins. One of her babies died and the other is still in the NICU. I sent her a message shortly after it happened and today she asked me this:

Hey Kimberly. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It's been really difficult for me to talk about, but I wanted to ask you how you got through or are still getting through this. I have a strong faith in God and that has definitely helped me. I'm thinking about going to see a counselor my church recommended me to see. My other daughter is still in the NICU so I'm having a hard time dealing with that and grieving for her twin at the same time. Hope you are doing well.

As I sat to reply the return message started out small and then it grew into a long winded book. I thought it would be a good post for the blog since I have not posted anything with substance lately. So, sit back and enjoy my thoughts...

So good to hear from you, you are on my heart daily to pray for - I know the journey is so difficult. To be honest I am still getting through everything. It has been almost 3 and 1/2 years and I still cry about losing Hudson. I have always been a Christian, but after losing Hudson I dived further and developed an even stronger relationship with God. It was the only thing that could help me to make sense of the tragedy I was experiencing. To help aide my grief I had to use Hudson's memory for good. I had to give him a purpose even in death. So I have used my story to tell others that have gone through this same/similar experience in hopes that it will strengthen their faith or relationship with God. Grieving in the public eye is hard to do, but showing others your faith and strength is what helps other people to see what an amazing God we have and can sometimes lead others to change their lives, to not take their lives for granted, and to love God more.
I surrounded myself with a support of ladies that have been through similar events and it feels good to read their stories and see that what I am feeling is normal throughout my grief. Writing is my outlet so I blogged a ton (some not posted because they were mean) to get my feelings out. I also blogged my feelings and emotions in order to help other people that were going through the same thing.
So, I guess my best advice is to find your grieving outlet. You have to find a way that works for you. Whether its counseling (which is something everyone should do), writing, photography, some sort of project - anything. Not to hide or cover up your grief, but to have a way to honor your daughter's memory. I hate the cliche "everything happens for a reason", but so many people would say it because face it, what do you say to someone who has just had their entire world shattered? But, I took that phrase and ran with it - I let Hudson's "reason" for dying be a "reason" for others to perhaps learn about eternal life through Jesus. To be honest it is what has kept me so strong.
I know it is absolutely the hardest thing to have one child die and to be excited about another child being alive. I had so many mixed emotions when Heidi was born (17 months after Hudson died) and still sometimes I find myself sad at not having them both here together. The sadness will always be there, the unintentional stings from others words, the what ifs...sometimes they are so overwhelming. When things are overwhelming I pray, and then focus on what I do have - and the future God has promised me to one day be united with my son.
All of this has taken me years to learn and I am still learning. It will not happen over night. There will be a step forward and there will be 2 steps back. It is frustrating. There are days when I am so jealous at other people and their children. I have been so ready to be out of the "child-birth years" because with each new announcement brings out the green-eyed monster (especially with little boys). Then I pray. I pray for my friends and their families. I pray for myself and for God to take away the feelings I have - and this cycle is my life.
I have learned that even the closest people in my life will leave Hudson out of the count, but it is not meant out of malice. Its just not a part of their daily life. I don't take it personally anymore, nor do I correct them. I just go on living my life the best way I can.
I hope this answer helped :) I know I got a little long winded....I will find you a few links to posts of mine or a few others that have been in similar situations. Please know that I am here anytime you need to chat.
~Kimberly

Its Time!

Originally written: June 6, 2012

So, we have gone to both of my Dr's and now it is about time to start for baby #3. Crazy, huh? In a "perfect world" we would already have #3 and possibly be working on #4, but that's not how this world works - at least not in the Henninger household. I have been on the vitamins and medicine for a month and it is amazing how fast it has already worked in helping my cycle. Instead of 35-45 day cycle I am now at the "normal" range in 28 days. Now that I am at the normal range I think I am ready to start the crazy madness once again.

If all goes according to plan then we will find out around July 4th if we are going to be adding to our family. I am nervous, afraid, excited, impatient all in one. We'll have to hold in this exciting news for quite some time. It will be hard especially if we do find out at my calculated time because we are going to Las Vegas July 5-9 and Myrtle Beach July 9-13 with family. I know that I want to wait for a bit longer than I have with Hudson and Heidi because it was kind of nerve racking with everyone knowing. More so with Heidi, after what we had been through with Hudson and with the potential issue that we had while pregnant with Heidi.

I am praying for a low key, drama free pregnancy. I want to be able to just sit back and relax. No extra doctor visits - nothing.

Its going to happen at a crazy time because at the same time my sister and her family will be adopting a little boy from China. He is 2 (turned 2 on June 1st) and they should be going to pick him up the mid-end of July. I know I want to let this little boy have his moment without adding to the craziness of the family. I am all about letting people have their moments. I know all too well how having "your day" or "your event" being trumped by other people. At least with all the events going on with everyone else I will be able to slide by without anyone noticing until we're ready to announce we're expecting.

This is all hypothetical, of course :)

Our little Helper

We have been in the "I do it, I do it" stage the past few months. Heidi loves to help mama and daddy out in any way that she can. I am so happy we got her the little step stool thing to pull up to the counter for her to help out at meal times. When I start to cook Heidi runs to her step and says, "Heidi help mama!". It is so much fun having Heidi help! Of course it takes patience having a toddler help you in all aspects and it has caused us to run late on occassion, but it is such a joy to watch her feel included. I will never turn down a chance for Heidi to help. We give her little duties when we are doing things - putting shoes away, unloaded the dishwasher, passing out the napkins, etc. Last night she wanted to help me brush my hair :)

Wee Ride

In my our new quest to b a healthy and fit family John and I recently made bike purchases - yay us! I have now learned that my "bike ride from hell" might not have been completely the fault of the terrain we were biking and more so on my lack of being in shape. Bike riding is hard y'all. Long gone are the care free days of riding without touching your handle bars. That's some scary stuff nowadays! After finding our bikes we were in search of something for Heidi to ride on. I was not comfortable with something to go on the back of the bike and I knew that one of the attachment things you pull would not be an option for our mover and shaker. We needed something that could contain her and make my heart feel at ease. My friend Freddie told me about the Wee Ride and it is wonderful! It sits on in front of you and has a little table Heidi can hold onto! She loves it! John does a great job riding with her on it - me on the other hand, not so much. I tried, but we almost lost limbs. If you are looking for something check it out! It goes up to 40 pounds.

We got ours from Amazon.com -

Dance in the Rain

Every day it rains - there seems to be no end in site. It has been nice having the rain, especially knowing that soon we probably will not have any rain. Heidi loves to be outside and unfortunately the weather has not permitted much outside playtime. Today we went out for a little bit and what happened? Of course - it started raining. Heidi had such a great time playing in the rain!