What's Going On?

We are in full blown beginning of the year mode! Getting back into the swing of things after moving and all of the fun Christmas events we had going on last month. John and I are now finally able to put our energy into building our house.We have picked a plan and we met with our builder and the draftsman {not sure if that is the term - basically he will be engineering the plans} to go over the tweaks we want to make on the plans. So far it is so much fun to dream up all of the fun stuff we want in a house. I hope to have fun blogging the process! For now I am on Pinterest daily scoping out ideas. Of course we cannot do everything we want all at one time, but the first focus will be the kitchen; putting our money into the heart of the home.

I have become a horrible mom never taking pictures. I need to take my camera back to the store to be sent off for repair again. The focus is all off and it messes up the pictures. I did grab a few shots this weekend though! Heidi and Harrison are growing so fast and I want to have every moment documented. They are so sweet and lovable - to me and to each other.

Poor Harrison cannot seem to catch a break with ear infections, croup, teething...something is always going on with him. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. He has had 6 teeth come in the past month, but I think we are about to have a little break for a little while.

Heidi is living the dream right now. We are staying at my parents' house while we build {we have tenants in our house} and my parents are staying at their newly renovated cottage on the river, but they are back and forth - so Heidi is pretty much loving having her grandparents here all of the time. We are building next door and Heidi is super excited about that as well! My little girl is growing up much faster than I am comfortable with. She recites things like the pledge to the American flag, the Christian flag, and the Bible at random. Ever since Hudson's birthday she has been asking questions about death, why Hudson had to die, why God is so big and we are so small - you know, small talk like that. Stab my heart - questions like that make me break out in hives.

Harrison loves to play with all of Heidi's toys!

Heidi loves to do anything with her kitchen stuff.

First Heidi shows Harrison the proper way to pose for a picture with paint!

I think we have another water baby! This little guy LOVES to be in the bath. You turn the water on and he is leaping out of our arms to jump in the water. Usually when I am about to put him to bed Heidi is taking her bath and he tries to leap in the tub with her when telling her good night. The pool is going to be interesting this year, that is for sure!

Number 5

I'm going to come clean and tell you the truth about a lie people tell you.

Time does not heal all wounds.

Really, it doesn't. If it did I would still not have the hole in my heart where Hudson is. 

The more that time passes the more the memories fade and the more time that has passed since I last held my firstborn.

How can my arms be so full, yet so empty? My cup is overrun with blessings, yet I am still a mound of raw grief missing my sweet boy.

I haven't moved on, I have not forgotten, and I certainly still feel the pain.

I think I have learned to manage my grieving emotions. I am able to hold back the tears, swallow the lumps, muffle the jealousy, and bandage the sting from words. It is less painful to give answers to questions that I once felt betrayed the memory of my son. Those things are easier, but certainly my heart is still a mess. Sometimes my head is too.

Five years seems like forever, yet it seems like just yesterday. 

I so badly and desperately want to have my family of five right here - physically - with me. I love having Hudson in my heart, but I want him here on Earth.

This has been a hard week the last few years. I find myself uptight, frazzled, and completely out of sorts. There is such a build up to getting to the anniversary of Hudson's silent birth. I am always ready for the day to come and go so that I can stop thinking about that day - that silent day.

For the big birthday I have my yearly spa day - this time a massage and I am looking forward to an hour of relaxation. Well, trying to relax because that word is a foreign concept to me. Always has been. 

In honor of my sweet boy I ask for this simple request. It really has nothing to do with losing a child or my story or anything in particular, but I ask that today {the 16th - or whatever day you read this post} that you perform one random act of kindness. Whether it is a smile to a stranger, monetary, or physical - something to brighten someone's day. I ask this because you never know what the other person is going through. Maybe they are like me, living with a grieving heart needing that one kind act to get them through their day. Feel free to share this post with your random act of kindness and maybe others will fall in line keeping kindness in the hearts of everyone out there....

We love you and miss you sweet boy.

Hudson Greer Henninger

January 16, 2009 

Part Two

A month or so ago I wrote a post trying to catch up on what our family had been up to lately. There was a hint that I knew why I had not blogged in awhile. Last week I started to dive in a little at why I had not been blogging - trying to live up to the perfections of the world that we have all set. There is another big reason why the hiatus. I think it is the set of rules we are being given every other day. One day you have a list of things for your daughter, the next your son, the next day someone tells you to do the opposite. A week later it is about your marriage, then your health, then this or that.

It is exhausting.

I got so tired of reading blogs that I got tired of writing my own.

It is a shame because I love to write {grammar butchering and all} and I was letting all of these posts destroy my love for something I truly enjoy. Finally I reminded myself that I blog for me and my family {mainly because one day I will probably have dementia and I need to remember things} and not for other people.

The posts that so many find uplifting were so discouraging to me. Each time I read a new post I fell deeper into a pit of expectations that were being thrown on top of me. There was no possible way I could do all of these things everyone else was doing.

Tonight while I was nursing my son back to sleep it dawned on me. Why am I trying to do all of these things that these people as saying I should do? Why am I letting it discourage me so? It is not the people I should be listening to - it is the teachings of Jesus and my heart.

"Whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked" 1 John 2:6

There are so many great tips from these blog posts, but there is no reason I should be killing myself to try and live how they are telling me to live. I thought why not just treat people how I would want to be treated, talk to them like I would want to be spoken to. Learn from how I have been treated by others. Learn from the teachings Jesus left in God's word. That is the way I am choosing to be. If I choose to be a better person by trying to be more like Jesus then that is what will teach my children to do the same. Teaching by example, as I was taught by Jesus. Not making sure I am doing the 10 things I need to do with my spouse, 12 things with my daughter, 15 with my son, or 8 with my dog. 

One more thing in life I have simplified for myself...

"For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps." 1 Peter 2:21

Quirky Side

Somewhere around this madhouse there is a camera with pictures that I had intended upon posting. It is the camera that I keep in my purse, but it is not in my purse. I remember where I had it last, but it is not there and that can only mean one thing - Heidi has done something with it. I'm sure it will resurface soon with a bazillion crooked pictures of her dolls. I'll be sure and post those pictures too. Once I find it I will, but until then you get to learn a little about some quirky habits of mine.

Lately I have been rewatching the Bama fan jumping on the OU fan clip that is surfing around on Facebook. Normally I am not a fan of such assault or online bullying, but it is the music that makes me watch it over and over. As a person who walks to the beat of a perfect rhythmic drum I am a lover of all things choreographed to music. Everything in life must go to a beat - even when the windshield wipers are on...

Not that anyone would, BUT if somewhere were to write a movie about my life it would have to be a musical.  

A musical or it would have to have everyone talking and walking to a soft background music.

I have seen several clips of the horrible assault, but my absolute favorite is the one with Wrecking Ball playing in the background. Totally not a Miley fan, but this video and that song = perfection.

Back to the posting topic...

The other day at lunch my friend Holly called me a strange bird. I am - I have many quirks that I thought I might share with the blogging world.

1 - I've already written about this one above. Everything around me must go to music. For instance, Harrison is playing with a few musical toys on the ground and my fingers must type to the beat.

2 - I eat M&Ms two by two and the colors must match. After I have eaten them two by two if there are any odd ones left {odd meaning without a color matching mate} I bite that one in half and eat it. It stresses me out to pop a handful in my mouth without knowing how many of each color I have eaten.

3 - If I step on a crack with my right foot I have to step on a crack with my left foot.

4 - I would love to be on a show like Survivor or the Amazing Race, but the food challenges scare me.

5 - I give personification to inanimate objects - hence the reason I have a hard time getting rid of things. I am scared I will hurt their feelings.

6 - I will not put air in tires because I am scared my head will explode. Someone told me a story about that happening once and I have been scared ever since...

7 - Everything must be stacked largest to smallest {or reverse} and symmetrical.

8 - I plan an evacuation route wherever I go.

9 - I'm competitive about almost everything. It is horrible. When Heidi wants to "race" I hate letting her win.

10 - I cannot be the last person in the house to fall asleep.

There you go! Ten little things about me that you were dying to know - ha! It does make me feel better that I am not the only strange one in my family. Heidi likes to put her froggie washcloth to sleep...

Recent Family Pictures

With moving and getting settled, not to mention traveling and spending time with our family for Christmas we are just now getting our Christmas cards mailed out. I don't care if they are late. I have them, they are addressed, and I will mail them out. We had Molly take our pictures again - Harrison's 6 month pictures as well :) I can't believe he is 9 months old now and we will be taking those pictures the next week or so - you could say I am a little picture crazy. Molly will be moving in a few months, but hopefully we can schedule the kids pictures around her coming back. *All pictures by Molly Smith Photography.

First Movie

It is New Years Day. The day is also wet and rainy. Neither John nor I had to work, so we told Heidi a few days ago that we would take her to a movie. Her first movie in a theater! For a week or so Heidi has seen the little snowman {Olif} on Disney singing his song from the movie Frozen and each time she asks to watch the movie. That is why we decided to go! The four of us went and it was such a great movie and we all had fun. At first I was very nervous about Harrison because during the Mickey Mouse preview {he loves Mickey}because he started getting really upset. I'm not really sure why Harrison got so upset. He calmed down after Mickey and up until the last 10 minutes sat and watched the movie. Heidi had a great time! I will definitely not choose the seats behind the bar again because of the climbing issue, but it was still such a great time! I grabbed my camera and then apparently still forgot it at the last minute - so all pictures are on my phone. I hate phone pictures...but oh it is what it is.

Happy New Year!

Goodbye 2013 and HELLO 2014! It is crazy how on January 1st it somehow feels like a clean start - a fresh beginning. 2013 was a great year for us. We made a huge family decision and decided to build a house which is super exciting - now to find that perfect plan! Moving during Christmas is not something I will ever suggest or want to do again. Our biggest and most joyous moment of the year was definitely adding little Harry-bug to our family. I remember after we lost Hudson that I wanted a girl because I did not want to be reminded of my grief even more than at that current time. Finding out we were expecting a third I knew he was a boy immediately and I knew we would be ready and wanted a boy to add to our family.

I like to set goals each year and it is always more helpful to have them written out to keep an accountability. If they are written down it is always nice to review them throughout the year or when needing to remember them. So, here goes!

1 - Continue strengthening my walk with the Lord. This is always on the top of my list because even the highest of scholars/leaders can still learn and strengthen their relationship with God. I took a break from my regular Bible study - one I have been a part of for the last few years - while I have been adjusting to a new family, work, and life schedule. I am looking forward to when I can join in a new study.

2 - Striving for a healthier lifestyle. Recently I gave up meat. Totally not me {John felt my forehead to see if I was sick} and I am looking to increase the fruits and vegetables in my diet. I did not give up meat just because I wanted to, but because every time I took a bit I felt mentally sick. So, no more meat or eggs {well, eggs if they are in something, but not a plain egg} for me for right now. This also means increasing my exercise and getting back in shape. Instead of complaining everyday I need to do something about it.

3 - Declutter my life. This is something I am constantly striving to improve. I have a tendency to hold on to everything and become surrounded by junk and then becoming overwhelmed by the junk. Right now life is completely chaotic - but in time it will be better!

4 - Continue building my friendships. I have some amazing friends in my life. I want to make sure I put in the time and effort in those friendships and not focus on the ones that seem to be a one way street. Lately I have really taken notice of the friends who do not seem interested in being friends. When people ignore calls, texts, or when they visit and never make an attempt to see you or your family. I know we are all busy, but something I have learned is that you make time for the things or people that are important to you.

2013 was a great year and I am looking forward to everything that 2014 has to bring. There is so much to look forward to and so many things that remain unknown of the future. I look forward to more time with my family and the sweet surprises to come. May you all have an amazing end to your year and a wonderful start to the next!