Number 5

I'm going to come clean and tell you the truth about a lie people tell you.

Time does not heal all wounds.

Really, it doesn't. If it did I would still not have the hole in my heart where Hudson is. 

The more that time passes the more the memories fade and the more time that has passed since I last held my firstborn.

How can my arms be so full, yet so empty? My cup is overrun with blessings, yet I am still a mound of raw grief missing my sweet boy.

I haven't moved on, I have not forgotten, and I certainly still feel the pain.

I think I have learned to manage my grieving emotions. I am able to hold back the tears, swallow the lumps, muffle the jealousy, and bandage the sting from words. It is less painful to give answers to questions that I once felt betrayed the memory of my son. Those things are easier, but certainly my heart is still a mess. Sometimes my head is too.

Five years seems like forever, yet it seems like just yesterday. 

I so badly and desperately want to have my family of five right here - physically - with me. I love having Hudson in my heart, but I want him here on Earth.

This has been a hard week the last few years. I find myself uptight, frazzled, and completely out of sorts. There is such a build up to getting to the anniversary of Hudson's silent birth. I am always ready for the day to come and go so that I can stop thinking about that day - that silent day.

For the big birthday I have my yearly spa day - this time a massage and I am looking forward to an hour of relaxation. Well, trying to relax because that word is a foreign concept to me. Always has been. 

In honor of my sweet boy I ask for this simple request. It really has nothing to do with losing a child or my story or anything in particular, but I ask that today {the 16th - or whatever day you read this post} that you perform one random act of kindness. Whether it is a smile to a stranger, monetary, or physical - something to brighten someone's day. I ask this because you never know what the other person is going through. Maybe they are like me, living with a grieving heart needing that one kind act to get them through their day. Feel free to share this post with your random act of kindness and maybe others will fall in line keeping kindness in the hearts of everyone out there....

We love you and miss you sweet boy.

Hudson Greer Henninger

January 16, 2009