Cousin Trip!

I am so blessed to be able to post what I am about to post. Over President's Day weekend I had the most amazing time that was truly needed. I am blessed to have one sister {and three amazing sister in laws}, but I also have three cousins on my mom's side that are truly like sisters to me. The five of us had such a great time together and I am looking forward to many more weekend trips like this in the future.

The five of us met up in Asheville, NC and had a weekend full of non-stop talking, eating, and fun. There might have been a bottle or two of wine shared as well. 

Friday my sister and I drove up while the rest of the crew arrived on Saturday. That night we went out to eat and then on Sunday we headed to the Biltmore. A few mini photo shoots happened in several places and a ton of stories, some funny and some serious, were told. A couple of bombshells were dropped, tears were shed, bellies ached from laughing, but most of all I slept. I slept for three full nights. Three glorious nights....

Oh, and I now eat brussle sprouts. 

If you are ever looking for a place to stay in Asheville with a beautiful view of the city you must check out the place we stayed. The owners are amazing and the house was perfect! - check it out here!

A few things to note about the pictures - we range from 5'2" to 5'4" {that's a whole lotta height!}, one cousin in particular had us stand youngest to oldest several times, we were all cheerleaders at one point, and we are fun.

Valentine's!

Here are our little Valentine's! My babies certainly do not enjoy sitting still and posing for pictures. I will take what I can get. My cameras both need to be taken in to be fixed, but another day...

The day before Valentine's Day Heidi and I prepared the treats for her teachers and friends. S'more packs reading "I need s'more friends/teachers like you". Idea found on Pinterest. Some days I have no creative juices left - they are somewhere in the rocking chair or bed tucked away in the nighttime feedings with Harrison. Give me another year or so and maybe I will be more original.

Happy FIRST Valentine's to this little guy! He is always so happy and looked adorable in his little outfit. Harrison usually chases me around when I try to take his picture.

Daddy with his mini-Valentine's.

Mama with the precious babes

I love Harrison's face in the background - totally what he is doing 95% of the time.

Daddy is setting the bar pretty high for her future husband. John went to Heidi's class early and dropped off a present to her. Daily I think of what one of my friends told me a few years ago when Heidi was just a baby. She told me that Heidi is so lucky because the bar is already set so high with how much love we show and give to her that the standards are going to be hard to meet by her future husband. I know we are already praying for this man - wherever he is!

I was not forgotten on Valentine's day - the hubs knows my heart {and my taste buds}love Reeses!

Ballet Pictures

Last week we have Harrison's 9 month pictures taken. Yes, I am aware he is 10 months {still cannot believe it}, but with the weather and his bought with ear infections, colds, croup, and teething there was never a great time to take them. Usually I prefer outdoor pictures versus indoor, but I love the pictures that I have seen so far! I am going to be so sad when Molly moves away. Luckily I will not have to worry about it until Christmas! While Molly came to take Harrison's pictures I had a couple of pictures I have been wanting to take of Heidi done as well. 

If you know anything about me at all you must know my love for dance and all of the years I spent taking and teaching. Well, Heidi loves to dance, but does not love to go to dance. I think it is a phase that will pass, but I did want to get a couple of shots in just in case she ends up loving ballet. My turnout is not impressive, but the fact that I am up on my toes {one without a bunny} still amazes me. Thankfully Molly was able to capture some great shots! LOVE the way they turned out - and these are only the preview! Once we are in our house I will definitely be looking for a place to hang these pictures. All of the pictures are by our wonderful Molly at Molly Smith Photography.

What's Going On?

We are in full blown beginning of the year mode! Getting back into the swing of things after moving and all of the fun Christmas events we had going on last month. John and I are now finally able to put our energy into building our house.We have picked a plan and we met with our builder and the draftsman {not sure if that is the term - basically he will be engineering the plans} to go over the tweaks we want to make on the plans. So far it is so much fun to dream up all of the fun stuff we want in a house. I hope to have fun blogging the process! For now I am on Pinterest daily scoping out ideas. Of course we cannot do everything we want all at one time, but the first focus will be the kitchen; putting our money into the heart of the home.

I have become a horrible mom never taking pictures. I need to take my camera back to the store to be sent off for repair again. The focus is all off and it messes up the pictures. I did grab a few shots this weekend though! Heidi and Harrison are growing so fast and I want to have every moment documented. They are so sweet and lovable - to me and to each other.

Poor Harrison cannot seem to catch a break with ear infections, croup, teething...something is always going on with him. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. He has had 6 teeth come in the past month, but I think we are about to have a little break for a little while.

Heidi is living the dream right now. We are staying at my parents' house while we build {we have tenants in our house} and my parents are staying at their newly renovated cottage on the river, but they are back and forth - so Heidi is pretty much loving having her grandparents here all of the time. We are building next door and Heidi is super excited about that as well! My little girl is growing up much faster than I am comfortable with. She recites things like the pledge to the American flag, the Christian flag, and the Bible at random. Ever since Hudson's birthday she has been asking questions about death, why Hudson had to die, why God is so big and we are so small - you know, small talk like that. Stab my heart - questions like that make me break out in hives.

Harrison loves to play with all of Heidi's toys!

Heidi loves to do anything with her kitchen stuff.

First Heidi shows Harrison the proper way to pose for a picture with paint!

I think we have another water baby! This little guy LOVES to be in the bath. You turn the water on and he is leaping out of our arms to jump in the water. Usually when I am about to put him to bed Heidi is taking her bath and he tries to leap in the tub with her when telling her good night. The pool is going to be interesting this year, that is for sure!

Number 5

I'm going to come clean and tell you the truth about a lie people tell you.

Time does not heal all wounds.

Really, it doesn't. If it did I would still not have the hole in my heart where Hudson is. 

The more that time passes the more the memories fade and the more time that has passed since I last held my firstborn.

How can my arms be so full, yet so empty? My cup is overrun with blessings, yet I am still a mound of raw grief missing my sweet boy.

I haven't moved on, I have not forgotten, and I certainly still feel the pain.

I think I have learned to manage my grieving emotions. I am able to hold back the tears, swallow the lumps, muffle the jealousy, and bandage the sting from words. It is less painful to give answers to questions that I once felt betrayed the memory of my son. Those things are easier, but certainly my heart is still a mess. Sometimes my head is too.

Five years seems like forever, yet it seems like just yesterday. 

I so badly and desperately want to have my family of five right here - physically - with me. I love having Hudson in my heart, but I want him here on Earth.

This has been a hard week the last few years. I find myself uptight, frazzled, and completely out of sorts. There is such a build up to getting to the anniversary of Hudson's silent birth. I am always ready for the day to come and go so that I can stop thinking about that day - that silent day.

For the big birthday I have my yearly spa day - this time a massage and I am looking forward to an hour of relaxation. Well, trying to relax because that word is a foreign concept to me. Always has been. 

In honor of my sweet boy I ask for this simple request. It really has nothing to do with losing a child or my story or anything in particular, but I ask that today {the 16th - or whatever day you read this post} that you perform one random act of kindness. Whether it is a smile to a stranger, monetary, or physical - something to brighten someone's day. I ask this because you never know what the other person is going through. Maybe they are like me, living with a grieving heart needing that one kind act to get them through their day. Feel free to share this post with your random act of kindness and maybe others will fall in line keeping kindness in the hearts of everyone out there....

We love you and miss you sweet boy.

Hudson Greer Henninger

January 16, 2009 

Part Two

A month or so ago I wrote a post trying to catch up on what our family had been up to lately. There was a hint that I knew why I had not blogged in awhile. Last week I started to dive in a little at why I had not been blogging - trying to live up to the perfections of the world that we have all set. There is another big reason why the hiatus. I think it is the set of rules we are being given every other day. One day you have a list of things for your daughter, the next your son, the next day someone tells you to do the opposite. A week later it is about your marriage, then your health, then this or that.

It is exhausting.

I got so tired of reading blogs that I got tired of writing my own.

It is a shame because I love to write {grammar butchering and all} and I was letting all of these posts destroy my love for something I truly enjoy. Finally I reminded myself that I blog for me and my family {mainly because one day I will probably have dementia and I need to remember things} and not for other people.

The posts that so many find uplifting were so discouraging to me. Each time I read a new post I fell deeper into a pit of expectations that were being thrown on top of me. There was no possible way I could do all of these things everyone else was doing.

Tonight while I was nursing my son back to sleep it dawned on me. Why am I trying to do all of these things that these people as saying I should do? Why am I letting it discourage me so? It is not the people I should be listening to - it is the teachings of Jesus and my heart.

"Whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked" 1 John 2:6

There are so many great tips from these blog posts, but there is no reason I should be killing myself to try and live how they are telling me to live. I thought why not just treat people how I would want to be treated, talk to them like I would want to be spoken to. Learn from how I have been treated by others. Learn from the teachings Jesus left in God's word. That is the way I am choosing to be. If I choose to be a better person by trying to be more like Jesus then that is what will teach my children to do the same. Teaching by example, as I was taught by Jesus. Not making sure I am doing the 10 things I need to do with my spouse, 12 things with my daughter, 15 with my son, or 8 with my dog. 

One more thing in life I have simplified for myself...

"For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps." 1 Peter 2:21