Well, I couldn't hold it in any longer! John and I are expecting bundle of joy #2! We are due June 29th, 2010 and are very anxious to meet our little one. Please read the post dated posts to catch up on the journey! Starting here and then here, here, here, here, here, here, and here!!
We had another ultrasound and today I am 8w 2d and I am measuring at 8w 6d which is great! The heartbeat is going very strong at 181 bpm. Everything else inside measured great including the yolk sac. Dr. Odom is very pleased with the way everything is growing and looking. I will not go back until I am 10 weeks and that will be my last time to see him. I will then return to my regular OB who will actually be just returning to work herself. She has been battling breast cancer and will return with half days in December. I will be 12 weeks when I see her on December 15th. I am still taking all of the samw medicines, but will probably stop taking about 3 of them before 12 weeks. WHICH WILL BE GREAT!! I am so ready to live a "normal" life - not that I am complaining, but it takes a toll on your mind and body having to remember meds in the morning, shots in the morning, meds in the afternoon, meds at night, shots at night and then another shot twice a week. I think my hair might go gray. John has been a wonderful husband and has picked up duties that would normally be mine.
I had an eye exam yesterday (because one of the medicines I am on could cause burning of the retinas) and my eyes are perfect and I have 20/20 vision. This is one of the medicines that I will probably discontinue soon.
I am still dancing twice a week - teaching jazz/tap and taking ballet and tap; as well as walking. It's actually funny - I lost all of my pregnancy weight, plus more, before getting pregnant again and now I am wearing clothes I could barely fit in before getting married! I have not gained any weight as of yet, but I am prepared for when it happens! I am not eating very many sweets and doing everything possible to keep my diet on track by eating foods that will help my body. Luckily I had begun to ween myself off of sweets so it has not been too hard. Lately I cannot get enough of popsicles and chicken sandwiches......
One of the greatest gifts you can give to a mother who is learning life without her child is to remember the child's name, to write their name, and to honor the memory of the child. Thank you Danielle and Holly for remembering, writing, and honoring Hudson. Thank you for being such an amazing support to so many women on this journey of life after loss.
On Saturday I headed to Valdosta for the day to watch Grace and Daniel tie the knot! Grace is one of my sorority sisters and she spent many afternoons napping on my couch between classes. The wedding was absolutely beautiful! It was held on a lake outdoors and the colors she chose matched perfectly with the natural settings and theme of the Quail Lodge where the wedding was held. The happy newly weds are now headed to their honeymoon destination of New York City!
Some of the decor
Mr. & Mrs. Force
Maggie, Virginia, Chelsey, Courtney, Brandy, Amy & me
We had our 7 week ultrasound today - yep I get weekly ultrasounds! Everything looked great! Dr. Odom is very pleased and said the baby looks very healthy. No nickname yet, we haven't found one that sounds right. The heartbeat was 160!! Which is excellent! The yolk sac (if you recall from last week Dr. O was concerned with the small size) has caught up and is at a normal size now. He said he's not sure if it's something that it did on it's own or if it is an effect from the medicine; either way something is working! Maybe some of you were praying for that yolk sac out there....
I am staying on the same medicines and nothing was added or subtracted from the "recipe". Today I measured ahead again at 7w 5d. By calculations I am 7w 2d, but Dr. O is happy to see me measuring ahead. I can't think of anything else that was said of importance....
The Secret Garden Meeting is a place for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted and to share our hearts.
This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby? How are you feeling? How do you hope you will feel in the future? Have you found any peace at all?
Where am I in my grief - a question that I hear from counselors, blogs, people, tons....the truth is I have no idea. I don't even know "where to be" with grief. I could say I am in one place, but the next day it might be a different answer. I just try and live each day and take what the day brings while trying to heal as best as I can. Lately I have been experiencing new parts to the grieving process - which will be explained later - and at times it can be me starting the whole process over again. It has only been 9 and 1/2 months so there is still more grieving and healing to go - it will be that way for the rest of my life here on Earth.
Right now, at this present day I have so many mixed emotions (I know some of this isn't making any sense, but it will soon) and I don't know which way to feel. In the future I know the grieving will get easier and the heart will heal with scars. I look forward to the day when I can live my life without the fear of losing another child in the womb. I look forward to the day when I can say I am happy and not jealous and mean it - though most of the time I do.
I am at peace with not having Hudson here anymore. I am not a dweller and I know that the reality is he is not here and he will never be here. In being a realist and having a cut and dry way of looking at life maybe that helps aide in peace - that and having a relationship with God. Knowing that this is all a part of His plan gives me the most peace of all.
Here we go! Our third Wednesday for Wyatt! It’s quite simple to participate. All you have to do is copy and paste this post on your blog, and come back here to link up with MckLinky! Once you do that, your all set to win a great giveaway. So far, we are up to 1,443 signatures! Lets try to keep them steadily rolling in. For those of you who are not familiar with my family and what we are trying to achieve, here’s a brief run down... Our son Wyatt was diagnosed with a fatal condition at our 18 week ultrasound, but chose to carry him to term. We waited to meet our son with love, all the time praying we would get to see him alive. On June 1, 2009, Wyatt made his way into the world by c-section. To our amazement he had a faint heartbeat and was breathing! He died two minutes later, but I’ve clung to the two minutes my son and I breathed the same air since his passing. Upon calling to get a copy of Wyatt’s birth certificate, I found out he was listed as a stillborn. You would assume it was a mistake (like I did), but there was no mistake. According to the definition of live birth in Tennessee my son was not “alive enough” to be deemed a live born baby. His two minutes of life has gone unrecognized by my state, and I intend to change this piece of legislation so I can solidify the validity of my son’s short life. Wednesdays for Wyatt was created to help spread awareness for a law that needs to be changed, as well as to generate more traffic to my petition. So if you’re reading this, thanks for taking the time to help our family! This contest will be open today only. I will close MckLinky down sometime before midnight, so make sure you get linked up ASAP to make sure you are entered to win this giveaway! Thanks for helping everyone, and good luck.
Happy 7 weeks! Today has been a sick day. I was around so many "sickies" this weekend and I think it rubbed off on me. My throat has been sore and I ran a small temperature. All I did today was lay in the bed and tried to take the day as easy as possible. I am ready for Thursday because we have our next ultrasound that morning. The shots are starting to hurt more and more and I have not a clue why that is happening. Some of the other side effects have subsided, all except the nausea...so far I have not thrown up, but I feel like I am going to often.
Pictures from Katie's recent shower! She and Matt are due the beginning of February and will not be finding out if their "Pierogie" is a boy or girl until she makes her arrival. As you can see I am on "team girl". The shower was held at the Morris residence and hosted by Kristina and Cindy - all fellow alumna of VSU. After the shower (it was a couples shower) we went to eat dinner at a Japanese restaurant.
I love them - but not for the reasons you would think. I find it peaceful to walk among the graves and read the names and dates of those that have passed away. I like to sit and create stories of what their lives were like when they roamed the Earth. Reading the quotes and inscriptions is the best part - I wonder how true those words about the deceased. It makes you wonder what will be inscribed on your own tomb and what people will think when they pass your gravestone. Will there be fresh flowers because you are visited everyday or will it be overgrown with weeds and dirt because no one remembers.
I say that I love cemeteries, but as I have mentioned it's not for reasons you would imagine - or if you could even imagine that one would love cemeteries. In saying this, yesterday was the first time John and I visited Hudson's grave site since Mother's Day and the first time we have been there since his marker was placed. (I can hear the gasps now.) We have our reasons - all of which could be listed below, but I have one major reason. I feel that Hudson is with me at all times. I can talk to him anytime or anywhere. His flesh is buried, but his soul is no where near that cemetery. So why - why go to a place that seeming immortalizes our loved ones? I know it's for respect and memories and a way to show tribute to those that we love, but what happens after everyone that remembers that person is gone? You are left with an unkempt grave with names, dates, and words.
It is also such a strange feeling seeing your child's name written on a grave marker. It fills you with sorrow and leaves you with an empty feeling. It is final - the end. Even before Hudson I never liked seeing gravestones for children - those left me feeling a sadness beyond sadness.
When we visit we always ask Hudson if he's made any new friends since we've seen him last as we look around for freshly dug graves. There were a couple of elderly women that have been buried there - one in February and one in March, but one caught our eyes. A 9-year old boy, Ashley Moselythat was killed in a car crash in August is buried diagonally from Hudson. I cannot help but wonder how it was to bury a child that you have grown to know and love while they grew and developed their own personality. I cannot help to imagine the hurt and pain his twin brother is feeling right now - knowing that he will never see his brother here on Earth.
So - I ask you. What do cemeteries mean to you and why do you feel the importance of having a place to visit your loved ones?
We had our first ultrasound and to quote the doctor everything was "excellent!". I was measuring at 6 weeks 1 day and the baby had a strong heartbeat of 116 bpm. The only part measuring a little small was the yolk sac - but besides measuring a little small it looked very healthy and normal. I am still being monitored very closely by the specialist - whom I will see up until 12 weeks and then he will be "in the shadows", so to speak, of my regular OB.
I am still giving myself injections twice a day with another one twice a week, daily vitamins and medicines and we will be adding one more medicine today. Everything (excluding the medicine I am adding today) is to help with blood flow which was the reason for everything with Hudson. The new medicine is to help an immune system abnormality and is likely to aid in the growth of the yolk sac. Dr. Odom wants to make sure we are still investigating all options for anything that could possibly go wrong; he does not want us to focus on just one issue (i.e. - blood flow) and then have something (i.e. - the immune system issue) sneak up on us.
Anything he finds he investigates heavily and he searches for ways to "fix" the problem. We left the visit on a very positive note - Dr. Odom wanted to assure us that he felt positive about everything and he was very pleased with the way everything is moving along. We will go again next week for another appointment and ultrasound. I do enjoy having so many ultrasounds - it always puts my mind at ease! I guess that is one positive to being labeled "high risk". I am still dancing (teaching jazz/tap and taking adult ballet/tap classes) and I am walking everyday. I was not given the okay to run - which is a bummer, but I can live with it. I had not been given the okay from my chiropractor to run either.