Driving by

The other day I was driving into town and my mind began to drift away in past memories. I began to think of when John and I first started having contractions with Hudson. I had been having them all day but did not think anything of it, but finally they started to become frequent and breathtaking. John timed each contraction and made note of the time in between each one. It was so exciting - that soon we were about to have our baby. We were about to experience childbirth, something we had been preparing for with birth classes and dreams. This was a different experience yet we were excited. A new chapter in our lives yet a closing of a dream as well.

Once John and I finally decided we needed to go to the hospital there was a rush of excitement - getting our bags together, family rushing to make it up there, and hoping we would make it in time. On the way up there I kept having harsh contractions, but there was still something more than contractions to what we were feeling. Maybe secretly I had a false hope that Hudson's heart was going to be beating once we delivered him. I'm still not sure why we had so much excitement knowing what we were facing ahead of us. I think it just proves how ready we were to meet our son, hold him, and how ready we were to be parents. Originally I had thought about a c-section knowing that emotionally I couldn't handle going back and forth to the hospital. Now that everything is over I would not change what we did in one way at all.

Its still crazy that it has only been a little over 3 months since we gave birth to Hudson. John and I both miss him horribly and would do anything to have him with us right now. If things had gone as we had planned he would be a month old now. We still know that God's plan is taking place in our lives and we are still relying fully on Him. It really is hard to give everything completely to Him, but as Christians we know that is what we are to do. Living that is so challenging. Sometimes the worship songs before the message at church can be so hard to sing because I really am facing and experiencing those words, especially this one:

Blessed be Your name

In the land that is plentiful

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

And blessed be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed be your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll

Turn back to praise

And when the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's "all as it should be"

Blessed be You name

And blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

I will bless Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

My Weekend and Friendships

This weekend I took a trip to see my brother and his family. The reason for the trip was to go to a sorority sister's wedding. My mom, sister, and niece invited themselves for the trip as well. Here is how the trip started - before we even got on the road I found out my sister's little dog was going to be tagging along as well. Immediately I knew the trip was going to be horrible. My niece is obsessed with this dog - don't get me wrong I am a complete animal lover I won't even hit frogs on the road! The dog hates my niece because she chokes it and makes her sit with her, etc. So I automatically knew that my niece would cry and whine about that dog not sitting in her lap on the trip.

We get on the road - what happens after not even pulling out of the driveway? My niece starts whining because the dog won't sit in her lap. This goes on the remainder of the trip as well as complaining about being hungry, the bunny hop song being shouted out, putting a pillow in the window blocking the view or traffic, me pulling the pillow down, her crying, and various other songs and complaints. She was not silent for a single moment on this trip. Each time one of told her to be quiet she just brushed it off and continued to talk and chat about whatever she wanted to chat about forgetting that there were others in the car. Finally - 5 hours later - we get to my brother's house. I am ready to hit something at this point. We get inside and learn that his daughter, my other niece, is now peeing on the furniture, carpet, etc. Great, now she is a wild animal (a direct quote from my sister-in-law). We actually got to experience this within the first hour when she pulled her panties down and peed on the stairwell. She was put in time-out.

Bedtime is now calling. I am sharing a bed with my sister, her dog, and the chatterbox niece is sleeping on the floor. Throughout the night chatterbox gets up, once because she was scared, and then a couple of other times because why?? That dog. She wanted the dog to be sleeping with her. My sister gets up and chatterbox is saying how much she loves the dog and how cute it is etc. At this point I am exhausted - emotionally and physically. (Emotionally because this was supposed to be Hudson's first road trip.) I sit up and just shout "stop it". That seems to work and at that point if she was crying I did not care. What seems like 2 minutes later the Pee niece comes in and get in the bed which makes Chatterbox niece follow suit. Normally I would not have cared and been happy they joined in for a snuggle fest, but considering I had NO sleep I was not a happy camper. They kept talking, chatter boxing and then the final straw - bouncing on the bed.

Various other events followed during the weekend, but I wouldn't want to make you jealous from all the fun.

This is one event that I wanted to blog about. During the course of the trip my family went to look at some houses in my brother's neighborhood and were talking about the prices. I happened to say, "John and I had looked into moving to this area because of how much cheaper the houses are (compared to the town we live in)". This seemed to spark something in my sister. I mentioned that a ton of our friends live in the area my brothers lives (although we do have friends in Savannah as well) and it was just a thought. The gist of the conversation led to how she gets mad that I tell my friends more than what I tell her or that I tell me friends things first. Then she mentioned the old cliche, "friends come and go, but family is always there."

This is my background. I am a very private person. I do not normally spill my life out to anyone - except John. I am allowed to tell whoever I want whatever I want - no matter if they are friends or family. I believe that a husband and wife should not have to tell everyone everything. We can have our secrets - its our perogative. I let people tell me what they want to tell me and if they don't want to tell me something that is fine. I know that some people are not like that and they will tell anyone and everyone all about themselves or expect others to do the same. That's fine - that's who they are. There is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with how I am either. I believe that my friendships are just as important as relationships with family. The friendships I have are ones that won't come and go. They are ones that are with people that I could not live without. They are filled with people that will hop in their car and drive between 3 - 17 hours to come to your child's funeral at a moments request. They are the people that if they can't get you on your cell phone to check to see if you are okay they call your house to talk with your parents to make sure everything is okay. They are a part of my family and will remain a part of my family for as long as I live.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/21/health/21well.html?em - an article about the importance of friends...

Washing Hands

I think I am the only person that washes their hands at my brother-in-law and sister's dealership. Its kind of gross actually if you think about it. I have been watching the soap line on the liquid soap that is used and it never seems to change....

I am also hiding all the candy that is here - I am trying very hard to lose the last few baby pounds and the candy is not helping my efforts. Only 6-7 more pounds to go!

The Waiting Game

So, its that time - we're back at the TCC stage in our life. Last time we weren't even trying and after I took the test and told John all he could do was sit with his hand on his forehead and say "wow". That lasted for about 20 minutes. Now we're "trying", but at the same time not really trying. We're giving forth a good effort and I am charting my temperature and all that good stuff, but we shall see! Now I'm waiting for the next 10-13 days to see if all the "trying" worked. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Stillbirth Remembrance Day

October 15th is deemed the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I know we are only in April, but I am working now to get something ready for a day to remember Hudson and all of the other babies we have lost. If you have any ideas let me know! I was thinking about maybe releasing 210 balloons - one for each day Hudson was alive inside of me. Maybe having some different colors and let friends or family that are there that have lost a child have a special color to represent their little one...

Just trying to get some ideas!

http://www.october15th.com/

Children & Angels

When our little Hudson died we received numerous cards, gifts, donations, and so much love and support from friends and family. We also received a few cards from some people we have never met. One in particular was from a woman that lives in South Carolina. The woman had seen Hudson's obituary and wrote us a little note. Included with her kind note she sent a little track about losing a loved one. The track was Biblically based and was very nice of her to send.
Well, of course I sent her a thank you note - its what I do. In the note I put the words that "although we do not know the scientific answers to our questions we do know that God has a reason for why he took our dear Hudson". That phrase must have sparked something in her because about a week ago John and I received another letter (in a large manila envelope) from the same woman, this time with a weekly Watchtower enclosed. If you are unaware of what a Watchtower is, it is the track (pamphlets) that those that are Jehovah's Witnesses use in addition to their Bible studies. I may have the exact usage wrong, but I know they are used by that particular religion. I myself am a Christian and have never used or seen the Watchtower. Do not get me wrong I am not speaking ill of that religion or way they study or interpret the Bible.

The woman had a particular article for me to read entitled "Does God Take Children to Become Angels in Heaven?". It goes on to state that God does not take our children to become angels, but that children are a gift from God and He would not take them away from us. Continuing the article states the "Bible promises that God will resurrect countless millions in a paradise right here on earth". Maybe its just me, but I prefer to think of my little one already hanging out with God and playing with the other children that have gone too soon. I know that his body is still there, but his soul is not. Why would I want to just picture my child's lifeless body in his grave? That's not what gets me through the day. I prefer my own way - even if it may or may not be the way that it is. Whatever gives me comfort and gets me through the day is what I need to think about.
I am thankful there are people out there thinking about John, our little Hudson, and myself and praying that we are healing. I am thankful that there are strangers out there thinking and praying for us. I am thankful that I believe my little boy is an angel watching over me and having a fun time playing with the babies that have also gone to Heaven - and that he is waiting for me up there.

You have how many?

Yesterday afternoon my family and I went to a wedding. The wedding was beautiful and we had a wonderful time socializing with family that we had there. Well, as I was quietly eating my ravioli I overheard my dad talking to one of his cousins and pointing to my sister saying, "she has 2 children, our son has a little girl" and then something else and then the next thing I heard was , "yeah, we have three grandchildren". I could feel my face heat up - I politely, yet sharply, said "you have four." Only my mom and sister heard this - usually no one ever hears me when I speak which frustrates me. My dad, the one I wanted to hear me, did not. Then he introduced someone to my sister and they had already met and then turned and asked me if I had met that person. I said yes and then held up four fingers. He said, "I've introduced you four times?" I said, "no, you have four grandchildren". Now, you don't know this but my dad is deaf - not literally, but he cannot hear anything. He says I mumble, but I guess everyone in the world must mumble because he cannot hear anyone. Anyways, my mom finally told him what I was saying. That was the end of that conversation. I did not want to make it a big deal, but I do want Hudson to be apart of our life.
This morning when I got up I was thinking, was I being irrational? Then I answered myself with a firm NO. Hudson existed, he was life kicking and moving around inside of me. I have pictures of him - I saw him move in ultrasounds. He is my child, he is a grandchild, a nephew, a great-grandchild, a cousin, and hopefully one day a brother. Just because someone dies we don't take them out of the count. My dad's father died when he was 16 - I never met him. Does that mean that I take him out of the count? Do I say - "Oh no, I only have a grandmother on my dad's side." No, my grandfather existed and even though he is not with us and I never experienced his living self does not mean that he does not count. When you die it does not mean that you never existed. Now I know that my did not mean any harm whatsoever when he said 3 instead of 4 - he is not that type of person. I just know that I will always say that I have a child - and when we have more Hudson will always be a part of the number of children we have. How could I not count my precious and perfect little boy?

Book Club

For those of you following along at home my friend and I have picked our first book for the book club. We actually have a list of about 4-5, but our first read will be Still Life by Joy Fielding. Its about a woman that is in a car accident and is left in a coma, but she can hear everyone around her. She finds out that her accident might not have really been an accident. Should be promising and I will be sure and let you know how it goes. People magazine rated it 3 out of 4 stars.

Stupid Quizzes

I was on my facebook account today and decided to take one of those stupid quizzes. Everyone is doing them so I figured why not take a shot ( did you just think to yourself, "if everyone jumped into a burning building would you?") and see what they have to say. Of course the first one that pops up is the "How many Children will you Have" quiz so I take it - why? I have no idea why I opted for this particular one. Well, it proceeded to ask me a series of questions - are you patient (yes), how much money do you makes, etc...then I got my results.
Apparently I am to be the mother of two boys very close in age and very close to each other. Now, me the over-analyst, thought for a moment. Does this mean that:
1- Hudson is to watch over our next child and we will have him soon so that they will be close in age?
2- We will have two more boys and they will be close in age and the quiz just didn't think about those that have lost children?
I guess it would be too much to ask for the simple little quiz to say, "you will have a loss of a child and then you will continue on to have 3 other perfectly healthy children." Deep down its what I probably wanted it to say, as if this quiz was to be my magic crystal ball telling me about my child-baring future. It would make things a lot easier if I knew that our next baby was going to go through full term and come out screaming and kicking. I guess that's the biggest part of being a a parent - knowing that you will go through heartbreak throughout parenthood.
Mothers and fathers go through so many emotions with children - learning to let go as they get older, listening to their children as they learn from their mistakes and trying not to interfere with their lives. Maybe its not exactly "heartbreak hotel", but there is a lot of sadness in being a parent. Sadness of time passing so fast right before your eyes as the little tiny baby that was so dependent on you for all daily functions grows and becomes their own person who is independent and free from your hovering. John and I just had our heartbreak earlier than most parents. Maybe we needed Hudson more than he needed us and that is part of what makes not having him here with us even harder.
By the way - I also took the "which character from Steel Magnolias are you ?" quiz and I am Shelby. Go figure!

There's a Baby in the Room

Yep, there's a baby sitting in the room near me. A baby that was born a few days before Hudson was estimated to be born. How am I doing with that you ask? Well, I am just pretending the baby isn't here. Even now as he is taken into the room beside me and everyone is "ooing" and "awing" I can still hear everything. Not that I have ever been one to jump at the chance to hold a newborn, but the thought of holding another baby right now makes me tear up, actually it makes me sick to my stomach. I have no desire to hold another baby except my own. Hopefully I will overcome this by the time my friends and family have their babies this fall. I want to want to hold them, but the last baby I held was Hudson. Of course I will feel different when we have our 2nd child and I will want to hold my child, but once again I have to remind myself that it was only a couple of months ago that we lost Hudson.
On a side note my friend and I have still not decided on a book to start our book club - any suggestions?