Over the past couple of weeks I have realized what this blog really is "doing". It isn't just a place I go to write my thoughts out or a place to record our family journal - which is why I originally started writing. I really "got into" blogging the more I read from other women who had experienced the loss of a child. It has been a place to go to write - something I love to do. My grammar and proofreading can be atrocious at times, and I write exactly as I speak - including how I jump from one topic to another. I never thought about who would read this blog or if anyone would even be reading - and neither really influenced my decision to have a blog. One major lesson I have learned is that when you experience an event like John and I did, and with it being an event that we could not keep hidden, others want to know how you are handling your experience.
As a Christian you are looked upon differently when times get tough because lets be honest - it is easy to "act Christianly" when you slide through life without any bad experiences or hardships. Its easy to remain positive and upbeat and say that "everything is gonna be alright" when you haven't had to face trials. I was obviously pregnant and my whole grieving process was therefore public knowledge - whether because of being from a small town, facebook, going to a semi-small college, etc.; either way there was no way to escape. So what else could I have done but put my big girl panties on and let others see what was really going on - the good and bad. Doesn't it make it easier to know that there is someone facing the same trials as you? That others have been there? That you can still believe that God is good no matter what is thrown at you? It is even easy to be on this blog and pretend to always have the best attitude no matter what is thrown your way. What good would all of that do? Nothing - absolutely nothing because it would be fake and others would only become discouraged after reading the blog knowing that they were mad and had a hard time "having a Christian attitude" when times were tough.
Why is it that we try to mask our emotions and only let others see the good? Sometimes there just isn't good - sometimes life really kicks you in the butt and it stinks. Then when that happens what good does it do to have a pity party about your troubles? Nothing - there is no good in self wallowing. Letting others see your vulnerability, I have learned, is what helps others triumph over their hard times. You know the saying about being stronger in numbers? I think it comes into play in this situation because knowing there are others struggling in your same area makes you feel better instead of thinking "why does this have to happen to me". You have someone you can relate to go go to for help.
The past few weeks God has continued to shower me with blessings - blessings that come in the form of good friends, great friends, and friends that I have lost regular contact with. The messages I have gotten lately from friends that have been reading my blog have brought me to tears. Partly because I never knew what an impact this blog, my thoughts, my feelings, Hudson...what they have done to have an impact on others. Laying it all out there and having Hudson's death truly have meaning and purpose has come alive because of you; and I thank you for that, for making that dream of mine come true.
The Big Boo Cast, Episode 417
5 days ago
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4 comments:
It is easy to be a "perfect Christian" when things are going "perfect". Even when there is tragedy you are expected to still be perfect but the reality is is that you can't. There's gonna be hard times. And I do think the best thing to do is to be real about it b/c like you said it can help somebody else to know they aren't alone.
I started my blog to simply document what was happening during our time with Wyatt. I never expected to meet so many people who felt the same way I do and who understood when I didn't feel like being what is considered the normal "good christian". It's been amazing (and heartbreaking) to be able to help people along the way by simply being honest. And it's been an even greater blessing to feel like I am all alone and have a fellow bloggy friend write a post describing exactly what I am feeling.
I hate that we are members of this club, but so thankful for the wonderful women (yourself included) I have "met" and had the privilege of calling my friends. This journey through grief would be so much more bleak without people like you to light my way when the road ahead gets dark :)
Reading your blog has helped me to truly see what it means to put faith in God when the only natural reaction seems to be anger and confusion against Him. It is one thing to talk about trusting in Him, but entirely another thing to do it when it feels like things don't make sense.
Reading your thoughts and experiences has given me the desire to be just half the woman of God that you are...to have my life be a reflection of His love, of true faith, and at the end of it all to have made a difference.
Your life, and Hudson's life, has made me view what is important in such a different way. You have shown me how to see the blessings in the trials of parenthood--because what can seem to be so frustrating to me would be pure joy for you---and I hope to become a better parent because of it.
Thank you for letting us ride along for the journey. I know that it's not always easy to be so open, but it is nice to know there are others out there who are going through the whole range of emotions. I'm not happy that we both had to lose a little one to "meet", but I'm glad there is a community when it can sometimes be so isolating.
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