Poor Hunter

Last night John discovered a hematoma in Hunter's ear - the same thing he had 17 months ago. This morning John took Hunter to the vet so they could drain it before it got any worse. I was able to pick Hunter up after work and bring him home. Poor guy has a bandage wrapped around his ear and it has to be so annoying it makes him want to shake his head even more - causing it to bleed more. I was supposed to go to my brother-in-law's 40th birthday family celebration, but I need to stay here and watch Hunter because the last time he shook his head so much that blood was everywhere. Seriously, it looked like WWIII took place. This means I will also miss out on my dance class tonight - the adult tap class.

Why my parents are funny...

Today my mom informed me she likes to make her plants have sex - yeah, that was really uncomfortable to hear. It came out of nowhere. She had a lily in her lap (we were on the way to my sister's house and my mom bought both of us lilies for Mother's Day) and she was messing with the pistil or whatever the male part of the flower is called and she was brushing it into the stamen (female part?) and that's when she made the declaration. Weird..

Also, a few more Danny-isms for your delight. He came to see me "at work" or actually I have no idea why he was there - probably to get a coke because we don't keep cokes in the house. Anyways, when I got home he mentioned (brace yourself) that I was "busier than a one armed paper hanger". After my mom and I gave him the "you are a redneck" look he said, "Well, I could have said you were busier than a one-legged man in a butt kickin' contest." These both remind me of when we said something was "smaller than a gnat's behind". Really, where does he come up with these things and why is it that my mom, brother, sister, and I are so normal? One of God's miracles I guess....

A bittersweet experience

So, it's Mother's Day and all week I have been thinking about what I would post on this day. It's such a bittersweet day because it's my very first year to celebrate being a mother, yet I am a childless mother. It's crazy how a day like this, a day to celebrate, is yet another day to remind me that Hudson is not here. It's a day that slaps me in the face telling me I am a childless mother. I know I am a mom and I know others know I am a mom, but I think this is the hardest kind of mom to be. A mom that lives everyday knowing that her child is gone and never coming back.

This week I thought about all of the other moms out there that have lost their children - the mothers of Natalie Holloway, Lacy Peterson, and all of the other women that have left this world the past few years. How is it different for me as a mom than it is for their mothers? It's really not - they are probably feeling the same grief that I am. They are probably recalling past mother's day presents or memories with their children, but I sit and think about what I don't have and what I won't have with Hudson. I have the memories of him growing inside my womb and my heart, but I don't have memories of playing in the sand with him or helping him make a crafty project. I don't have a school project that he made for me for mother's day or anything - I only have the 200 days that he was in my womb and the pictures we took the day we "met" him.

It's really hard to be positive on a day such as this when I am surrounded by friends and family with their children and their pregnancies. Some days are good and still there are bad days. A person can only keep a smile on their broken heart for so long. As happy and joyful as I am for everyone else while they celebrate with their children the more I want to crawl in a hole and sit there until the day is over. Of course I would never do such a thing - I don't like dirt - but it's a thought that has crossed my mind.

Once again I have been showered with support from family and friends with flowers and cards and it means the world to me that I am not forgotten and that Hudson is not forgotten. Me being a mother only makes Hudson's memory and existence more real because you can't have one without the other.

To dance or not to dance?

Dancing is a passion for me, its something that I lost a passion for, but one that I have found again. I started dancing at an early age of 4 or 5 - first beginning with ballet. The next year my mom added tap to the mix. Oh how I loved tap classes - I still do! After a 9 year hiatus from dance (after my senior year I left for college and did not take lessons) I started taking classes again this fall. Muscle memory definitely took over and I am back to where I left off. I remember as clear as day when I lost my love for dance. It was my junior year - tap class. I was a busy girl, in the spring I had cheerleading (try-outs and new stuff), track, and dance class. I never had a free moment. Occasionally I would have a track meet when I would have dance class and I would have to miss the class. Not a big deal to me because I always caught on very fast. Apparently it was a bigger deal to others that I missed class.

Now please keep in mind I danced with the same teacher most of my life (two years when I was younger I danced at a studio closer to home) and I knew the teaching style and my teacher very well. I will admit I was a little cocky and a know it all in class - at the early age of 17 dance was the one thing I thought I knew everything about. Anyways, back to the story at hand. I remember one class, we had warmed up and started practicing the dance we would be performing at recital. Now considering this was 10 years ago or so some of the details are fuzzy, but the gist of the argument started when my teacher asked me to demonstrate a step to the class. Well, not only was I 17, but there were other students in my class my age as well as women that were 8-10 years older than I. That kind of upset me because I wanted only people my age to be in the class, but it doesn't matter. Anyways, one of the class members (an adult) starts yelling about how it's always "Kimberly this, Kimberly that" and then called me a nasty little name - one I had never heard myself be called before. I was horrified! Never had someone lashed out at me.

There is much more to the story, but the point is that's the night I decided I hated going to dance class. Each time I stepped into the studio I would replay that horrible night in my head over and over. Even crazier 10 years later I remember it as if it were yesterday. Still to this day (in my adult tap class I am in now) I cringe when I am asked to demonstrate a step in fear I will become the target of a mood swing.

The reason I am blogging about this story is because my teacher asked me if I wanted to be in the Roy Rodgers dance (a bench dance) with the teen class. This dance was also performed my senior year and once I heard the music my body knew what to do. I remember how much I did not enjoy dancing with adults when I was a teenager, maybe it was because those adults had over powering personalities, but something bothered me about it. So I feel as if I am in a pickle and that if I do perform with these girls I will be hypocritical of how I always have felt. I have a month to think about it and maybe since its a sit down dance and our faces will be covered it will be ok - besides the number really looks good with a ton of people!

Just an FYI...

I am trying to combine my other online journal onto this blog - basically it started when John and I got married, so if you see posts on here that are randomly dated now you know! I feel it might be easier to have everything in one place =)

Could you Imagine?

This past weekend I had a bachelorette party to go to. John went to the bachelor party for the same couple as well. Mine wasn't too far away - about 45 minutes and it was on the beach, so I was looking forward to relaxing and having a girl's weekend. I had a great time, but there were some weird moments...

During the first part of the weekend one of the girls kept talking about kids - fine no problem. I didn't want to make these new friends uncomfortable (I knew 2 girls and then 3 were girls I had never met before) so I did not say anything about having Hudson. Well, at one point she was talking about her sister-in-law and how when their baby was born he was rushed away and had to have all kinds of tests and was at a different hospital. During the story her exact words were, "could you imagine giving birth and then having your baby taken right away from you?". I had to bite my tongue - I wanted to say, yes I know exactly what that's like, but at least their baby was alive and they would get to keep their baby unlike me. Instead I just sat there not saying a word.

Later that night we went to eat - some yummy seafood - and we were talking about oysters and I mentioned something that we had an oyster roast for my sister's birthday and I didn't eat any. Well, my friend asked if I ate oysters or if I just didn't eat them because I couldn't at the time. I told her I didn't like them, but that I stayed away from seafood the whole time. One of the girls asked if I as pregnant and I said no, I was. She looked really confused - as did the rest of the table, so I told them the story and told them not to feel sad, that I am ok and I believe that God has a plan for my life. I am actually grateful that my friend sort of approached the subject and I was finally able to get it all out and they all would know about Hudson. Sometimes I don't know how to bring him up because as much as I enjoy talking about him it makes others uncomfortable.

The rest of the weekend was fun as well - we went to the beach, laid by the pool, and then went out for the night. I remained the sober sister with my friend the DD and danced the night away. I forgot how disgusting bars could be though...girls throwing themselves at guys with the booty shaking dance moves, girl on girl dancing, and barefooted woman running rampant.

Doggie Carnival

Today was the annual Doggie Carnival! Last year Hunter had an amazing time and it also helps out the local animal shelter. John and I try to do whatever we can to help out the shelter because we are avid animal lovers and the shelter is where we got Hunter from 7 years ago. The carnival has all kinds of events for dogs - a doggie derby, a photo session, doggie IQ test, the can paint with their paws, etc....all sorts of fun! Basically you pay for tickets and then you use your tickets to do all of the events. Hunter had his picture taken and then did a biscuit eating contest (basically he had to eat a treat) and he won a dog toy. We didn't compete in the derby this year because about a week ago Hunter did something to his back and I didn't want to make him hurt it again. Anyways, we had a fun time and are looking forward to going again next year!