Hudson's Due Date

Well, the day has come and passed. John and I had a full day together - beginning with our visit to the cemetery to see Hudson. When we arrived we saw a little something on the dirt - there is still only dirt because grass has not had time to grow. John's brother, wife, and child had a precious floral arrangement with the cutest little bear holding a butterfly net and butterfly sent to be placed on Hudson's grave the afternoon before. I cannot tell you how loved I felt in that moment. Seeing what they had done brought such a joy to me in my sadness. To have others remember Hudson and feel so much love for him as John and I do means more to us than anything anyone could ever imagine.
I had mentioned in a previous blog that one of my biggest fears is that everyone will forget my son. Now I am sure that everyone will keep his memory alive and remember him forever. Maybe I needed this day for closure. I know I built this day up in my head and prepared myself emotionally, but it was a much better day than I thought it would be. Again, thanks to God, my family, friends, and amazing husband I got through the day feeling better than ever. I know that I will forever have Hudson in my heart. I also know that I can continue on with my life without being broken. Yes, losing Hudson broke my heart, but it is healing - not overnight, but each day it grows a little more.
On a side note - I am joining a book club. My friend and I have decided to start one rather than talk about babies and pregnancy =) Nurturing my mind!

Perfect Timing

As some of you know tomorrow is the day that John and I were estimated to meet our little Hudson. Unfortunatly that is not the case and instead we will be visiting his grave. All during this week I have been thinking about this day - especially when a girl that was due the day before me had her baby. The week flew by better than I could have imagined. John and I received cards, e-mails, messages - all remembering the hard day we were going to be facing. I am still amazed at the wonderful friends and family he and I have in our lives. Below I am attaching a letter written by a very good friend of mine. She is a VERY talented artist that sent us one of her creations. It came in the mail yesterday - can you say perfect timing? I wanted to share this piece of art with you and I had to include the letter to show you even more of the beauty that lays inside. Enjoy!

Artist Statement

When I began this piece, I thought it was a tribute to myself… to my act of being a mother. I wanted to portray my feelings of giving everything I had to a child that was oblivious of my love. The planning, nurturing, worrying and delivery of this child was no easy task. The figure is naked, empty and uncomfortable. She has no identity. She is just the vessel that was used to bring this life into existence.This wood sculpture was made out of 1“ x 12” white pine. That is just about the most regular piece of wood to buy. But as I glued the pieces together, and cut away the unneeded excess, I realized the personality that was in the wood. It was special. No matter what I did to it, I couldn’t change the predestined purpose that the wood was created for. When I stopped fighting and gave in to the direction that the wood wanted to go, it began to develop as a piece of art that had meaning and purpose. Instead of me conforming the material, its destiny was revealed to me. As I cut into the wood, I envisioned the hidden content, as if the form was hidden and it was my job to find it. I kept seeing it like a jawbreaker. You know how when you suck on a jawbreaker, it changes colors? Usually I can’t wait to see it so I bite it in half to see the rings. That is how I saw the wood. But now, I took great care to keep the underlying form intact. Michelangelo once said, “ I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”I came to love working on it. I looked forward to the freezing cold mornings when I would go outside to carve and sand. I didn’t mind breathing in the dust that would make me sneeze all day. I even justified the blisters that developed on my fingers. I cared for it and nurtured it just as if it were a child. That is when I understood that the sculpture represented the love that a mother has for the baby that she gives birth to. Even though pregnancy is hard with the sleepless nights, stretch marks, weight gain and everything else, it is trivial when a mother holds her child for the first time.I didn’t understand why I was drawn to this subject. Through my struggles as an artist I have learned to let God be my inspiration. I didn’t really want to make a sculpture that had a theme of the pain that love brings to all mothers. I just knew that I was supposed to. In the middle of it’s creation, I learned that a friend of mine had just received the worst news that I could imagine. Her unborn son’s heart had stopped beating. She was about to endure the pain that was represented in this sculpture. She was giving everything she had to a child that couldn’t, for now, understand the enormity of her love. All I could think of was of the pain that she must be in. My heart hurt for her. My soul hurt for her.I looked at the sculpture and saw her. At that moment I understood this inspiration. God had a plan. Weeks earlier, He knew that my friend was going to feel the deepest pain that is imaginable to a mother. He knew that, as a mother, I could relate. As I looked at the hole in my figure’s center, I understood that it represented the place that once nurtured and loved this baby. It is now an empty cavity that is not only absent of a child but of the heart that she so willingly gave it. The figure doesn’t recognize her own nudeness because her concentration is on the child that is swaddled in her warm and caring arms. She is oblivious to all that is around her as she looks at the miracle that lies in her arms. Then, I saw where a crack had formed down the center of her face and into the face of her baby. It almost represents the division that they were enduring.In a way, I believe that during this painful time, God has swaddled and loved my friend like this baby. I know that He cries and hurts deeply as He holds His sweet daughter in his arms. If our love is just a small measure of what God’s love is, I think that my friend’s baby is being well taken care of. I know that God is swaddling and nurturing this very sweet baby until his mommy is there is do it for Him. –Michelle Thaxton

In Memory of Hudson Greer Henninger, born January 16, 2009

I'm Tired

...tired of talking about pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I am so excited for ALL of my family and friends that are expecting. Amazing that every week someone new is pregnant. I think since we lost Hudson I have found out about 20 people are pregnant and that is probably an understatement. It truly is a great joy that new life is forming all around me. Well, all I can think about is getting pregnant (even though its not my time yet, I still have a few more weeks to wait) and its become an obsession with my mind. I am sad that one of my very best friends, one that would make a wonderful mother, has been trying for months and cannot get pregnant. Its crazy that at 27 years old children and having them is all that is ever discussed in dialogue anymore. Do you want to know the truth? I have always been scared of children. I never jumped at the chance to hold a newborn baby. I think the only ones I ever held were my nieces and nephews - and even then I was scared! I never baby-sat. Well, except that one time when I baby-sat for a little boy and girl and the boy tried to karate chop me and use me as his punching bag....maybe that's why - ha!
I have anxiety when I am left alone with a child; mainly because I am scared something dreadful will happen that I can't control. I also always knew that something would be wrong with me when it was my time to have children. Not that anything has been my fault, but I had a strange intuition that child baring would not come easy to me. Everyone else in my family (and most friends) hashad such an easy time with getting pregnant, staying pregnant and having healthy children, but you know how there is always that "one" in every family that things don't easily happen for? Well, I just knew it would be me. Call me pessimistic - which I am definitely not, but I like to prepare myself for the worst.
Usually I am so upbeat and positive and while I haven't lost that attitude I think this week has just been a sad one for me. Tomorrow would be the day we should have met Hudson for the first time outside of pregnancy. A girl that was due the day before me had her baby on Monday and all I could think about was that should be me....Hudson should still be inside of me squirming to get out of my overstretched belly. Instead I am working my hardest to lose my belly and the last 8 pounds of pregnancy weight. I haven't even lost the little dark line that forms below the belly button.
Oh well, soon everything will be easier - it has only been 2 months after all.

Leaving CA

Today we left California - on our way back to Georgia. The flight went well - all of them were full. It was nice to get back home and hang out with this guy...

Anaheim, CA - Day 4

Today we woke up early and went on a City of Angels tour....ugh. It was torture. Now, I loved being able to visit the city and see some of the sites, but our tour guide - wow, she was missing a few important brain cells. Normally I wouldn't say something like that, but when you make comments like, "yes, at the Farmer's Market you can see many Americans" and "you can get fresh fruit - do y'all have fruit where you come from?". Yeah - that's how it was for the entire day. We visited the city of LA, Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills, and a few other tourist hot spots. We drove by and saw Smokey Robinson getting his star and John and I saw Joan Rivers giving an interview and we got some footage of her. Would I go on this tour again? No, but I enjoyed being able to see some of the tourist attractions.

Smokey Robinson getting his star

Joan Rivers doing an interview on Rodeo Drive

After our tour we met up with John's Uncle Dillard and his cousin Jessica. They live out in that area. If we had been able to plan better we would have stayed an extra day and rented a car to go out and visit his family, but considering I shouldn't have even been going on this trip - because I was scheduled to be due a week later - we didn't plan too much ahead.

That night we packed and got ready to catch our morning flight back home....

Anaheim, CA - Day 3

This morning John and I woke up early for the non-mandatory volunteer event. It was called Operation Gratitude and is an organization that makes care packages for our troops over-seas. Please click on the link to visit and see what you can do to help if you are able to!

John making his care packages

Savannah Volunteers

After our volunteer event we hit the parks - Disneyland and California Adventures that is! We had a fantastic time together and John and I rode our first roller coaster together! Can you believe that we had never been on one together until this day? Amazing..

During the night we had a dinner to go to - sort of an awards dinner. We listened to the CEO Brian Dunn speak about the company, watched a slide show, ate dinner, and enjoyed the award show. John's store all decided to dress alike in black in pink...

Anaheim, CA - Day 2

Day 2 in California! This morning John got to attend meetings and all sorts of things while I got to go to Santa Monica for the day. I rode on a bus and visited the pier and city of Santa Monica. Before we left for out trip I looked up Santa Monica and they mentioned a Chess Park - so OF COURSE I had to go see what it was about. I was so excited!.When we got back from Santa Monica we headed to a free concert - Chickenfoot. It's a group composed of - Sammy Hagar (from Van Halen), Chad Smith (from Red Hot Chili Peppers), Michael Anthony (from Van Halen), and Joe Satriani. This was their first performance ever - pretty much a red carpet event...

First time in the Pacific Ocean!

Chess Park!!

Chickenfoot