So this is where I am at today. I blog because its my outlet; I blog because it makes me feel real; I blog because I may help others who are going through similar situations; I blog because if I don't get these feelings out then I will go insane. I don't know who all reads my blog. I know a few friends and family that read and a couple of strangers out there and that is fine. I just want to get this out there that this blog is for me. Its not for someone else. If it does help someone in the long run then good - I hope that my pain and hurt helps others going through difficult times. It is for my health and for the benefit of my mental stability. I do not care who reads it because the truth is yes I started blogging about everything that has happened in my life because I gained so much from reading blogs of other women who have lost a child, but in the end I blog for me. I should not have to edit what I put in this blog because, "I read your blog everyday and I don't want you to write something mean about me". I should not have to censor MY emotions and bottle things up inside. Ok, yes, maybe I should have the guts to tell people how I really feel, but I can't. I really and truly cannot deal with confrontation and where I am now is a whole lot better then where I used to be.
There was a time when I had no self-esteem, where I was a size 2-4 and still thought I was fat, when I had a little acne and I thought I looked like a pizza, and when my teeth were crooked and I felt like the ugliest person in the world. Who was I to tell others my problems? Why would anyone care what the lowly crooked tooth pizza face fat girl felt like? Maybe it was from being an adolescent or maybe it was something else, but that's how it was. I have grown out of that now and I have been away from that person for a long time. I have confidence and I do not worry as much about what others think about me - on the outside. I have spent the past few years making sure that everyone knows my inside and likes me for me rather than how I look or dress.
So, onto WHY I have written all of the above. If you have been through what I have been through finding out someone is pregnant is not the easiest thing to hear. I have told friends/family that are "trying" not to tell me in a public situation and to just let me know straight out...no games. Three weeks after Hudson was born my sister-in-law and brother-in-law told us they were expecting - I bawled my eyes out. The next week it was our friend Stacy, the next week our friend Jeannie, the next week our friend Lauren, the next week our friend Danielle, the next week our friend Melissa - are you getting where I am going with this? Its been rough and as happy as I truly am for them I am also grieving the loss of my one child, my son Hudson. It has only been 4 months. So today, I am informed someone else is pregnant. I specifically told them they needed to tell me when they found out and they respected my wishes by doing so. That should have been the end - nothing else.
Here is the "else" with the conversation. "are you pregnant" - asking me, "no, I am not" Then she askes when I will tell her when I am pregnant and I told her whenever I am ready. She mentions that I told her to tell me immediately so I should too. Nope, wrong answer - someone telling me they are pregnant is a whole different ballgame then me telling them. Its going to be a little different when John and I get pregnant again and the last thing I am worried about is telling people. Why? Because then I will have to "untell" people if we face the same situation as Hudson. Yes - that is what I think about when I think about being pregnant. As much as I want to have a child right now I am probably not ready, but then when is there ever a "ready"? When would I not have the fears of losing another child of mine? Trust me I have prayed and prayed for God to cast my fears away and He's working on me, but its a battle - a battle that God will prevail in.
Not only did that whole conversation take place, but I was asked not to blog about it. Seriously?Just because they read my blog does not mean its for them. Its for me - like I said earlier. If you notice I never write "mean things" about people in my posts - its not my character to be that way. So why would she even say that? Why get me angry that I am not to use my outlet the way I want to use it? So, I am blogging about it without fear of hurting feelings because my feelings have been hurting for four months and do you see me complaining to anyone? No - because its life and we take what God gives to us and praise Him for all of His many blessings. When something bad happens we look to Him and I have done nothing more. So, to those that ask people like me "not to blog" don't ever do that again.
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