Swirling Spiral

I posted yesterday about out little trip to the beach. What I didn't post about was a stop we made on our way home. We can get to the beach a couple of different ways. I took a route home that led us near to where Hudson is buried. Being that close I decided to stop by for a short visit. I have mentioned before that I am not a "cemetery person" and I rarely go visit a grave. To be honest, I think it has been 5 years since our last visit. The place is beautiful and overlooks the water - if you wanted to pick out a burial place this is definitely a nice one, but still, we rarely go. On this day I felt like I should at least stop by.

The past few months have been a little sad for me and I cannot quite put my finger on why. Maybe that is why I have turned back to blogging to get my feelings back to "pen and paper". There is so much involved when it comes to grief. Sometimes you wonder if its a case of the green eyed monster making its way into your world or if its social media that throws in your face what you have lost. Small unintentional jabs come from all directions. Things like "life is so hard when you have 3" or "they are only 15 months apart so that is tough", I still remember things said to me in the early times and those replay in my head constantly. My "favorite" is right after we announced we were expecting Heidi and someone said, "see, I knew it would happen, all it took was for you to get in your new house". Hmm...

Lately though I feel like I am looking at a stranger in the mirror. I see this person who looks like me, but has been aged by grief. Looking at so many other people who have grief from losing a child I see it in them too - grief ages a person. I see the extra emotional eating weight, the worry lines, the disappointing lines, so many things that do come with age, but I see them more at the sad times. Some days it is like I have been swallowed by the ocean and I am rolling in a swirling spiral just barely able to keep my head above water. Sometimes I feel like it would be so nice just to let it swallow me up and take a break. Grief is can be exhausting and keeping your head above the water is not easy on some days.

Our church gave a sermon on fear and worry and how in the Bible we are told many times not to fear or worry. Trust me, I already have all of the versus on speed dial. You cannot be an anxiety filled person like I am without having those versus memorized, I always feel much better after reciting the versus several times, but then you find the devil {aka social media} and read about a child that recently passed away in his sleep. At that current moment your youngest is taking his nap. Instantly you snap up, run into the bedroom, and check for breathing. He's breathing and you just start to sob praying to God that His will be done, but PLEASE let His will be to keep your family alive and together. Your sobbing starts even more as you pray, so much that you run into the bathroom so that your other child does not see you crying. That's the life of someone suffering from grief. I think I am mixed with grief and fear that I will have to grieve again. Losing a child in my womb and seeing his lifeless body is the absolute worst moment I have experienced in m life. Losing one of my children now? I don't even want to go there with you...

I'm 6 and a 1/2 years into this journey and I'm still battling everyday. I know I will never be the same person I once was and that too is something to grieve. Sometimes I just want a day where there is not a single sad moment in my day. Just one. The only light that gets me through the day is that I will be reunited with my son again and what a glorious day that will be - no more suffering, no more pain. Without having Jesus, the light in my life, I do not even want to imagine how dark my life would be and where I would be now in this journey. Still thanking God everyday for His blessings and always praying for His will to be done.