Monday, February 11, 2013

Little Voice

This was the first real week of preparation for baby #3. Over the weekend I started washing and putting away clothes and moving things around in the bedroom. I began finding Heidi's old toys and things and placed them in various convenient places in the house, checking batteries, and finding a new way to get everything organized and ready.

This should all be such a joyful time in my life. Preparing for baby. Aside from the uncomfortable sleep, heartburn, and this annoying little voice in my head everything would be perfect. The voice never leaves me alone. I do not know whether to feel honored that maybe the devil sees me as such a strong person he wants me on his side or scared that the devil sees me as weak and thinks he can easily turn me away from God due to fear.

Getting ready for baby is a big deal in our house. Of course it is a big deal in any household, but it is more of a leap of faith for me. The fact that I am washing clothes and even entertaining the thought of bringing a baby home is a good start. The moment I start doing those things though, that voice starts talking to me. It will say things like:
"why bother, you know what's really going to happen"
"what is it going to feel like when you have to come home empty handed and pack all of this stuff away?"

It is creepy how that voice pops in at the worst times for you, but the best times for that voice. It is when you are most vulnerable; the times when you are most likely to give into the fear. It is as if it constantly wants to suck the joy out of your life.
    "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10

Several times during any day I have to sit down, pray, and wait. I pray for the voice to stop and for a sign of reassurance that the baby is okay. This is why I probably do about 10 kick counts a day - which is probably why I snicker a little bit each time the nurse practitioner reminds me about doing them and what to do if I feel less movement. I would much rather sit and watch my belly than do anything else, which can make for a very lazy pregnant lady. It is not healthy to obsess over the counts either so on days when I am moving around much more are days that I have the most anxiety later in the evening.

"For I am the Lord your God
    who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
    I will help you."
Isaiah 41:13

I think we all have a little voice like this that speaks to us when we are vulnerable. The important thing is what you do when you hear the voice. Do you give in feeling defeated and let the voice control your life? Or do you pray and give it to God, trusting that His plan is what is best for your life? I have to admit that because I have already lost a child losing another one crosses my mind more often than not. I am still learning God's plan for my life and trusting that His way is greater than mine. It can be hard doing that because grief is so devastating and I do not want to have to face it again, but I still put my trust in the cross nonetheless. I hope that you will do the same. When that voice speaks to you and starts to give you negative thoughts or plays on your fear take a moment to pray and give that fear to God. Let God take the worries and fear from your life.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." 
Matthew 6:34

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