Today You Would be 3...

...and I went to have my legs waxed.

Its roughly 10PM and at this moment 3 years ago I became a mom. A woman who labored and pushed only to have a baby she could not keep. I think that each and every day I replay at least some part of the events that surrounded Hudson being born. I can handle that - bits and pieces. Its his birthday that the flood gate of memories come in full force.

I have remained pretty quiet today {and pretty quiet on my blog for a long time} because I didn't want to talk about Hudson today. I know that sounds odd, but not having him here for this milestone is on the brim of unbearable. Sounds surprising, right? Some of you are probably thinking that time has healed the deep, open, and bleeding gash which is Hudson and that I am still hanging in there.

Its the season of my life where everyone is expanding with growing families while I am a party of three screaming that its really a party of four. There are moments when I want to skip ahead twenty years and not worry about pregnancy announcements or fear that a pregnant friend is going to face what I did. Its fear that paralyzes my happiness for others the most. Maybe this is why I have been silent on my blog because of the unrest and nervousness that floats within my brain. Even though was have our sweet Heidi I am still nervous about expanding our family. We want to so badly, but there is so much more to pregnancy for my body than the average woman. Its definitely a lot of the green eyed monster that holds strongly onto my emotions when seeing other families grow without a hitch.

I can talk about Hudson anytime. When people ask about him it is easy...just not today. I am so thankful for the family and friends who remembered Hudson and wrote a message in some shape or form. It truly means the world. I am so thankful God has blessed me with such loving people - He knew what He was doing putting you each into my life.

One memory I have not shared about the days surrounding Hudson's birth is that a couple of days before we found out his heart stopped beating I started to wax my legs. You know, the home kit where you rub the strips vigorously between your hands to heat the wax, tear apart and then apply and rip? Well, I only got about 1/4 of the way finished because my belly was so huge {yes, all you that stay so tiny during pregnancy I am envious} I could not reach all the areas. I made an appointment to have the rest waxed, but I never made it to that appointment because I was too grief-stricken to do much of anything after the passing days. I remember being in the delivery room, already freaking out because of being exposed to everyone, but also because here I was with half waxed legs and people seeing them. The exposure of everything else seemed minimal compared to not having my legs smooth and neat. I usually have nightmares about such things.

So, that is why I did what I did today. I waxed my legs and chuckled to myself about a time when I was so embarrassed that it clouded my mind for a brief moment. That I was able to forget for an instant that I was doing the unbearable - in giving birth to my sweet baby boy. I am sure this is not the post you were expecting and maybe there was supposed to be something deeper on a day like today, but nope, this is what you get.

Happy birthday so my sweet son. To my sweet baby who has changed so many people with his existence. I am so proud to be your mom and to know that your story has brought others peace and closeness to God. I imagine you in Heaven today with Matt bouncing you on his knee and Katie doting on your cute chubby cheeks. I hear Mr. Lynn singing a sweet birthday song for you. I see your Great-Grandmother showing you how to ride a pony. It all sounds so glorious in my head and I cannot wait to be with you celebrating. We love you sweet Hudson.