Monday, January 16, 2012

Today You Would be 3...

...and I went to have my legs waxed.

Its roughly 10PM and at this moment 3 years ago I became a mom. A woman who labored and pushed only to have a baby she could not keep. I think that each and every day I replay at least some part of the events that surrounded Hudson being born. I can handle that - bits and pieces. Its his birthday that the flood gate of memories come in full force.

I have remained pretty quiet today {and pretty quiet on my blog for a long time} because I didn't want to talk about Hudson today. I know that sounds odd, but not having him here for this milestone is on the brim of unbearable. Sounds surprising, right? Some of you are probably thinking that time has healed the deep, open, and bleeding gash which is Hudson and that I am still hanging in there.

Its the season of my life where everyone is expanding with growing families while I am a party of three screaming that its really a party of four. There are moments when I want to skip ahead twenty years and not worry about pregnancy announcements or fear that a pregnant friend is going to face what I did. Its fear that paralyzes my happiness for others the most. Maybe this is why I have been silent on my blog because of the unrest and nervousness that floats within my brain. Even though was have our sweet Heidi I am still nervous about expanding our family. We want to so badly, but there is so much more to pregnancy for my body than the average woman. Its definitely a lot of the green eyed monster that holds strongly onto my emotions when seeing other families grow without a hitch.

I can talk about Hudson anytime. When people ask about him it is easy...just not today. I am so thankful for the family and friends who remembered Hudson and wrote a message in some shape or form. It truly means the world. I am so thankful God has blessed me with such loving people - He knew what He was doing putting you each into my life.

One memory I have not shared about the days surrounding Hudson's birth is that a couple of days before we found out his heart stopped beating I started to wax my legs. You know, the home kit where you rub the strips vigorously between your hands to heat the wax, tear apart and then apply and rip? Well, I only got about 1/4 of the way finished because my belly was so huge {yes, all you that stay so tiny during pregnancy I am envious} I could not reach all the areas. I made an appointment to have the rest waxed, but I never made it to that appointment because I was too grief-stricken to do much of anything after the passing days. I remember being in the delivery room, already freaking out because of being exposed to everyone, but also because here I was with half waxed legs and people seeing them. The exposure of everything else seemed minimal compared to not having my legs smooth and neat. I usually have nightmares about such things.

So, that is why I did what I did today. I waxed my legs and chuckled to myself about a time when I was so embarrassed that it clouded my mind for a brief moment. That I was able to forget for an instant that I was doing the unbearable - in giving birth to my sweet baby boy. I am sure this is not the post you were expecting and maybe there was supposed to be something deeper on a day like today, but nope, this is what you get.

Happy birthday so my sweet son. To my sweet baby who has changed so many people with his existence. I am so proud to be your mom and to know that your story has brought others peace and closeness to God. I imagine you in Heaven today with Matt bouncing you on his knee and Katie doting on your cute chubby cheeks. I hear Mr. Lynn singing a sweet birthday song for you. I see your Great-Grandmother showing you how to ride a pony. It all sounds so glorious in my head and I cannot wait to be with you celebrating. We love you sweet Hudson.

9 comments:

Cort said...

Happy 3rd birthday Hudson! Your life had meaning to so many people; even those of us who didn't know you. Peace and love to you, John and Heidi. Hugs...I know this day is not easy. - Cortney

Caroline said...

Happy 3rd Heavenly Birthday Hudson. Thinking of you & remembering him with you.
{{{{Hugs}}}}

Whitney said...

Happy Birthday, Hudson! You're not forgotten!

Holly said...

I just happen to like the post you wrote on his birthday :)

Happy Birthday Hudson ♥

Hannah Rose said...

Happy 3rd Birthday, Hudson! I just came across your blog on the BLM bloggers facebook page. You are a beautiful writer. I am sorry for your loss. <3

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Happy Birthday sweet Hudson. I'm so blessed to know your beautiful mama.

And, I love this post with all my love. It's just right.

You know, about the time healing things...there are things that heal in time, or get better. Life doesn't stay like it is in the days of raw early grief, that's true. But one thing about time...and the missing. I think sometimes the missing grows with time, instead of lessening. And, there are always tender places for our children. Always...

Much love to you...

Cecilia said...

I have been thinking about you the past few days. So much of what you said resonates with me, the missing and the pregnancy fears and health issues, and wanting to be recognized as a family of four.. I think what you wrote was perfect.

Happy Birthday Hudson. I hope your heavenly celebration was spectacular!

Sara said...

Happy 3rd birthday sweet Hudson! Your momma and daddy sure miss you, but I know you had a sweet day in Heaven.

Hugs to you. Birthdays are tough. We recently remembered our Samuel's 4th birthday. People say it gets easier, but it sure still hurts like heck.

Reading your post today is like reading about my own life. Pregnancy is hard on my body. I have complications many don't ever have to worry about. Deciding to have another isn't just about deciding to have another, is it?

Miche said...

((Hugs))

I was just scanning my followers today and checking in on all of you.

This post definitely rang true loud and clear. Our first daughter's 3rd birthday is coming up in June.

For some reason this year it is really weighing on me but in a different way. Imagine that right? Grief just keeps changing all the time without going away.

I'll check back in soon my friend....

 
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