Lindsay's Wedding

Heidi and I took a day trip to Macon for Lindsay's wedding. It was a great trip for Heidi and I and I am so impressed by how great of a traveler Heidi was the entire day! Lindsay is a friend of John and I from VSU. It was such a beautiful wedding and we had a great time!

Circus!

Heidi went to her first circus tonight! Boy oh boy did she have a great time! She only missed out on about 15 minutes when she needed to nurse. It was way past bedtime and she has a little schedule of when she likes to nurse. It was dark and we just sat in our seat and nursed. I am sure I got some funny looks, but I have grown accustomed to that by now. We went with my sister and her family, as well as the Reddick family. We ate popcorn and had water. You MUST have popcorn if you are going to the circus, right? I am already excited about next year! *sorry, cell phone pics*

On the way to eat at Mellow Mushroom before the Circus!

Sitting next to cousin GA eating!

Your popcorn! Those poor people in front of us - you keep leaning on them and getting in their faces. They were good sports. One of them had a very tiny baby with in their lap and you were obsessed with wanting to touch it.

Your favorite! The elephants!

LilyBeth, Emily, and Hugh

Tired baby girl...

Dancing Queen!

Cool Bikes!

ER Trip

We had quite the scare today. Heidi was with me at work for a little while today and we were having a great time! She helped me with pictures and fixing keys and all my duties. At some point she must have grabbed some keys on my desk and went running and tripped. I heard a silence then a scream. I ran over to her thinking she just fell and I wanted to quiet her down because there were customers in the office. I ran her into the back room and then saw blood on my shirt and looked at her face and it was coming out of eye eye area. I freaked out. I grabbed my purse and ran to the car. Once we got to the car I could not find my keys anywhere. I was trying desperately thinking my child was about to lose her eye. All I could think about was the detailer in the back who is blind in one of his eyes because he was hit by something by his brother when he was three years old.
I had to run back into work to find my keys, found them, then ran back to the car. I strapped Heidi in her carseat and we were off to the hospital. All the while everyone is watching me frantically run around not knowing what is going on. I really didn't care to tell anyone - the thought never even crossed my mind. I just knew I needed to get Heidi to a doctor and quickly.

I called her pediatrician and they said to go to the ER. I called John and asked where he was and told him to meet me at the ER ASAP. I don't know how I made it to the ER. My blood sugar was so low I was about to throw up and pass out. I was hyperventilating and never thought I would make it. I called John back a 2nd time and asked him to bring me a coke because I was about to pass out.

We made it to the ER and by this time Heidi was calm. On the way there I was sticking my hand over her "good eye" and asking her if she could see me. Apparently it was hilarious.

We waited in the ER forever and basically all was okay. Just needed a little saline to clean the blood out and it seemed to be just a cut on the upper lid. Thank goodness...

Today You Would be 3...

...and I went to have my legs waxed.

Its roughly 10PM and at this moment 3 years ago I became a mom. A woman who labored and pushed only to have a baby she could not keep. I think that each and every day I replay at least some part of the events that surrounded Hudson being born. I can handle that - bits and pieces. Its his birthday that the flood gate of memories come in full force.

I have remained pretty quiet today {and pretty quiet on my blog for a long time} because I didn't want to talk about Hudson today. I know that sounds odd, but not having him here for this milestone is on the brim of unbearable. Sounds surprising, right? Some of you are probably thinking that time has healed the deep, open, and bleeding gash which is Hudson and that I am still hanging in there.

Its the season of my life where everyone is expanding with growing families while I am a party of three screaming that its really a party of four. There are moments when I want to skip ahead twenty years and not worry about pregnancy announcements or fear that a pregnant friend is going to face what I did. Its fear that paralyzes my happiness for others the most. Maybe this is why I have been silent on my blog because of the unrest and nervousness that floats within my brain. Even though was have our sweet Heidi I am still nervous about expanding our family. We want to so badly, but there is so much more to pregnancy for my body than the average woman. Its definitely a lot of the green eyed monster that holds strongly onto my emotions when seeing other families grow without a hitch.

I can talk about Hudson anytime. When people ask about him it is easy...just not today. I am so thankful for the family and friends who remembered Hudson and wrote a message in some shape or form. It truly means the world. I am so thankful God has blessed me with such loving people - He knew what He was doing putting you each into my life.

One memory I have not shared about the days surrounding Hudson's birth is that a couple of days before we found out his heart stopped beating I started to wax my legs. You know, the home kit where you rub the strips vigorously between your hands to heat the wax, tear apart and then apply and rip? Well, I only got about 1/4 of the way finished because my belly was so huge {yes, all you that stay so tiny during pregnancy I am envious} I could not reach all the areas. I made an appointment to have the rest waxed, but I never made it to that appointment because I was too grief-stricken to do much of anything after the passing days. I remember being in the delivery room, already freaking out because of being exposed to everyone, but also because here I was with half waxed legs and people seeing them. The exposure of everything else seemed minimal compared to not having my legs smooth and neat. I usually have nightmares about such things.

So, that is why I did what I did today. I waxed my legs and chuckled to myself about a time when I was so embarrassed that it clouded my mind for a brief moment. That I was able to forget for an instant that I was doing the unbearable - in giving birth to my sweet baby boy. I am sure this is not the post you were expecting and maybe there was supposed to be something deeper on a day like today, but nope, this is what you get.

Happy birthday so my sweet son. To my sweet baby who has changed so many people with his existence. I am so proud to be your mom and to know that your story has brought others peace and closeness to God. I imagine you in Heaven today with Matt bouncing you on his knee and Katie doting on your cute chubby cheeks. I hear Mr. Lynn singing a sweet birthday song for you. I see your Great-Grandmother showing you how to ride a pony. It all sounds so glorious in my head and I cannot wait to be with you celebrating. We love you sweet Hudson.

January B-days

We celebrated my sister's birthday on the 1st and then my niece's 2nd birthday on the 8th. Heidi really enjoyed the cake. At Vicki's party she scooped up some icing off the cake while we were singing :)

The next week we had a birthday party for Heidi's cousin Georgia. Heidi enjoyed playing with all of Georgia's new toys!