January 16, 2013

I really do not know what to say in this post. It has been 4 years. Four years ago we said hello and goodbye to Hudson. You know the story. You know my feelings. I can firmly say that this day in particular is the hardest day each year. It is the one year that the mention of his name will instantly bring me to tears. So, it is usually the one day that I do not talk out loud about him. I'm not sure how most people celebrate the birthday of a deceased family member because I never remember doing that in my lifetime. There are several others in the community of families that have lost children that have parties, balloon releases, visit cemeteries, or other special things. Me, I can't. It is not my style and I would rather just spend the day pushing it all from my mind.

This year was different. There was no way anything could get pushed out of my mind because I was completely surrounded by Hudson's memory.

I will start with January 14, 2009. If you recall from the story of Hudson's death you will remember that I knew something was wrong for a week. I remember praying so hard for a sign of life on the night of the 14th. I got a kick, I praised God and then tried to fall asleep. I spent the entire day of the 15th {2009} trying to do kick counts and reassure myself that everything was ok when I finally ran to the doctor and was then delivered the devastating news. Flash forward to 2013. I am two weeks off from my pregnancy with #3 {being at almost 28 weeks} and I am reliving it all over again. Not the death, but random little things. It is the same time frame, we celebrated my brother's 40th birthday while I was pregnant with Hudson, we celebrated my sister's 40th {sorry I outed you!} with #3, I went to a corn maze while pregnant with both, and a few other odd coincidences.

It is hard to know if it was mental or physical, but I thought there was decrease in movement. So on the 14th of this year I found myself saying the same prayer. A prayer for a sign of life. It is a little tougher to do kick counts and focus on my pregnancy these days because I am constantly running around or trying to occupy my mind so that I do not go crazy. This little one likes to move at night so I never know if I am just missing the movements because I am asleep while he is awake. All day on the 15th of this year I felt the same awful feelings in the pit of my stomach. I calmed myself by reminding myself that I had an appointment on the next day.

When the 16th {Hudson's birthday} came I was already a little wreck due to my own thoughts and feelings and then on top of that I had my monthly appointment. Mind you I also have the 2-vessel cord to think about and the fact that I was in that very office exactly four years ago. I also had to take my glucose test and I was not happy about it because I knew I would fail {which I did by the way}. I go and take the test and then wait for a second when they called me for my doctor check-up. Of course I am in one of the rooms I was in on that day, the room where John and I sat and decided what we were going to do. The nurse checked my stats and then I sat in the room by myself for a bit and then just started crying. I put myself together and then my doctor came in and we discussed everything and then I just started crying again. I could not hold back the tears. Don't worry, my doctor is used to this with me and we talked about it being Hudson's birthday and how she cried that entire day too four years ago.

We went over a few other things and then we agreed with weekly monitoring {I will be going to the specialist as well for monitoring} and then she calmed me down as usual, she is so wonderful with doing that. My doctor always has the right thing to say. After all of that I went to sit on the monitor for a little bit {the same monitor I sat when they were trying to find Hudson's heartbeat} and had blood drawn while I sat there. Everything was great with baby #3! I do get to go back next week though - which helps my anxiety so much.

At night John and I decided we would take a little date night. We are trying to go back to our monthly date nights that we started 2 years ago and only went on 1 date. There were no plans, but we decided to head downtown and walk around to find a place. We went into Tubby's for dinner - I needed some cheese grits. After dinner we went to Lulu's Chocolate Bar for dessert. I had the double chocolate peanut butter pie. It was delish! While we were there we were surprised to see a very special person - my OB. It was so nice to see her, even though I was eating this delicious pie. When we were leaving we said goodbye and then headed home.

It was a quiet day on a day that was so quiet four years ago. A day that should be filled with joy and laughter....