Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Dying Fear

It’s not the dying I am fearful of, it’s the grief. I don’t want to die because I don’t want to leave Heidi to suffer the pain and grief of losing her parents. She needs us. There is no one that can possibly, even remotely, come close to showing her the love and affection that John and I do. I don’t want her to feel lost or that she does not fit into a family unit because she is not their daughter. That is the reason I am so fearful and anxious to leave Heidi and fly somewhere on vacation. She is only two and even though we show her and tell her every minute of every day how much we love her it is still not enough for me. She’s two, so she won’t remember those things when she is 10. I need to be here long enough to for her to know {and remember} how much I love her.
It’s such a bittersweet choice to make, but it is the logical one. I know that I have a baby in Heaven and a baby on Earth. My baby in Heaven is more than taken care of and he fully knows how much John and I love him. As ready as I am to see him I know that I need to be here to take care of Heidi. I need to be here to teach Heidi about God’s love. Heidi needs to learn that even though it does not seem possible that God loves her even more than I do. I know how much I love her and to even think how much more God loves her is tear jerking.

I also have one small, awful, confession. I was not going to write about it, but I feel led to do so. I am also fearful of something happening to Heidi. I do not want to go through the grieving process with another child. As I was packing I saw this little section of the room she had been playing in and it had those little things you put under furniture to protect the hardwood floor and then she placed little eggs in each one. They were Easter eggs pulled apart. Things like that are so amazing to me. I LOVE to watch how her mind and imagination work. I know I had such a vivid, OCD, imagination when I was a child so to see her use hers is so sweet. Anyway, I saw that little sight and I started bawling because I know that if something were to happen to Heidi I would not be able to handle it. I really do not know what I would do...

But, I will try and put all that aside and have a fun vacation....

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