Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Heavy Heart

I have so many unpublished posts and posts written in my head that need to be written. Between the dates of the posts we have been living life. Life that has not yet been documented on the blog, but life that we are living to the fullest. Right now all I can think about is the Behm family. One of the pediatricians that Heidi sees recently had a little boy named Thomas. Sweet Thomas was born with hypoplastic left heart. For two weeks he lived and underwent surgeries to heal his heart. Last night this little boy said goodbye to his earthly body and joined the other precious babies who left this earth too soon.

I am filled with so much sadness and reliving my own loss again. Time after time I have made a vow to stop reading all of the blogs and sad stories of children dying, kidnapped, abused - anything sad about children. I can't handle reliving my own grief each time I read the story of another mother suffering. It takes too much out of me mentally and leaves me emotionally exhausted. Then this happens and I am once again surrounded by the familiar sting of tears and heartache. Dr. Behm is Heidi's pediatrician, we go to the same church and have many mutual friends.

Last night when I saw the news my heart dropped and the tears fell down my cheeks. Not only did I relive my own heartache, but I felt the grief of this family. To have their sweet boy live for 2 weeks and then to die. Its still so hard to understand why children have to die or why we, as parents, have to endure such grief.

Sometimes I just want to shake my fists and scream why. I want to beat something or pound something. Then the moments flees my heart and I am filled with a peace from God. I am filled with the promise of a new day when this pain will leave my heart.

Today on my way home I started going through my schedule for the next month and realized that Heidi has a check-up in a few weeks. I wondered if she would be seeing Dr. Behm or Dr. Stone. I began to tear up thinking about seeing her face. It will be as if looking into a mirror. I am not sure if I am ready to face that mirror. I still have so much to learn in my own journey - how can I possibly be strong enough for this woman? Will I cry? Will I tell her about our sweet Hudson? A part of me wants to meet with her, but another part of me is scared to death. I keep repeating to myself this verse to myself:

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
2 Corinthians 1:4

For now, please pray for this family that they will be wrapped up in the God's arms. They have been so faithful and strong during this time - we all need to be faithful and strong backing them up.


Whitney said...

A friend of mine lost a child and I was able to be there for her. Just by listening and understanding, you'll be able to comfort your friend too. I promise.

Lori Warren said...

You are a wonderful young woman, wife, and mother. Your inspiration, faith and love for life would be so uplifting for your friend. She needs you now. I know you can be strong for her during this hard time.

Anonymous said...

Kimberly, I think of you often even though I hardly say hi. You are an amazing woman. All too often we think displaying our grief is a weakness. It's not the ability to grieve and continue your journey of life is strength. Besides this momma may need to see someone else willing to be vulnerable in order to help her meet her needs of the long hard process of losing a child. A shared tear is never a waste, it is an honest moment between two people that can bring sweet relief. Much love to you and your family. Rachael j

Cecilia said...

It's hard, but I bet Heidi's doctor will appreciate your honesty. I know I valued the support I recieved from others who had been through similar situations. I hope Heidi's appointment goes well and you have a peace about sharing if it's the right time.

Holly said...

My heart goes out to her and her family. :( I agree with Cecilia

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