I am filled with so much sadness and reliving my own loss again. Time after time I have made a vow to stop reading all of the blogs and sad stories of children dying, kidnapped, abused - anything sad about children. I can't handle reliving my own grief each time I read the story of another mother suffering. It takes too much out of me mentally and leaves me emotionally exhausted. Then this happens and I am once again surrounded by the familiar sting of tears and heartache. Dr. Behm is Heidi's pediatrician, we go to the same church and have many mutual friends.
Last night when I saw the news my heart dropped and the tears fell down my cheeks. Not only did I relive my own heartache, but I felt the grief of this family. To have their sweet boy live for 2 weeks and then to die. Its still so hard to understand why children have to die or why we, as parents, have to endure such grief.
Sometimes I just want to shake my fists and scream why. I want to beat something or pound something. Then the moments flees my heart and I am filled with a peace from God. I am filled with the promise of a new day when this pain will leave my heart.
Today on my way home I started going through my schedule for the next month and realized that Heidi has a check-up in a few weeks. I wondered if she would be seeing Dr. Behm or Dr. Stone. I began to tear up thinking about seeing her face. It will be as if looking into a mirror. I am not sure if I am ready to face that mirror. I still have so much to learn in my own journey - how can I possibly be strong enough for this woman? Will I cry? Will I tell her about our sweet Hudson? A part of me wants to meet with her, but another part of me is scared to death. I keep repeating to myself this verse to myself:
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
2 Corinthians 1:4
For now, please pray for this family that they will be wrapped up in the God's arms. They have been so faithful and strong during this time - we all need to be faithful and strong backing them up.