Thursday, April 21, 2011


In a short while John and I will be taking a trip. A fantastic, all expenses paid, tropical island getaway. Maybe you will remember (probably not) our trip to Anaheim after John's work won a contest. Well, the hard work paid off once again and now we are going to Puerto Rico! Yay! I should be totally happy and ecstatic for this trip right? Well, I think I am going to die on it. I really do not like to fly - I will do it, but my whole body is hollow the until the plane is about to land. Flying is not the part that makes me feel like I am going to die. Its a mixture of things. We all know I have extremely bad anxiety, right? If you do not know that by now take a little trip in my past posts.

John and I are leaving Heidi with my parents while we go on our trip. I was kind of "iffy" about what to do and John was against Heidi going so that we could have a relaxing time. There are also a few excursions that we would not be able to take part in if Heidi were with us. Anyways this is the deal. Because we are leaving Heidi alone I have this awful, pit in my stomach, feeling we are going to die. If I think about Heidi going with us those feelings go away and I know we will be safe. In preparation of my death (I know - this post is completely morbid) I have been writing letters to Heidi. I have letters for her special events in life and just random letters. I want her to know how much she means to me and how much I love her. I do not think anyone could be a better mother to her than I am. It makes me uncontrollably sad to think about not being here for her. I am going to stop this post now, and maybe continue later because its making me cry.

One good thing that can come out of all this - at least all of my scrapbooks and things will be up to date before I leave :)


Jules said...

I have been there and done that....and am still here to tell about it. I think your feelings are completely normal. I know you will be fine, Heidi will be fine and you and John will come back refreshed and happy :)

Caroline said...

Keeping you all in my prayers. I know as a Mom it's hard to leave children. Have fun and Heidi will be waiting to see Mom & Dad w/ a Huge Hug & Kiss.

thesisterhoodofspiritualsinglemoms said...

I am one of those very overprotective parents. My kids are 17, 14, and 12. I have never gone away from home without them. I am divorced, but that isn't because we didn't "take time" it is because he is a selfish jerk. Given what you have been through, I would think it would be more "abnormal" for you to not be anxious. I have to remind myself that although I like to think I am in charge, I am not, God is. My daughter is starting to get out and drive on her own and I have huge anxiety about that, but I just have to remember that I can't protect her like God can. Enjoy your trip. I will say if I had it to do over, I would have taken time for me as a mom, not as much as a wife, but as a mom who needs the occasional break.

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