Frustrated

It happens to every pregnant woman. Everyday towards the end you are asked if the baby is here yet or when it will be here, etc. It really isn't annoying (unless a certain person asks you every 5 minutes and you tell them they are irritating you by asking 5 million times and then they stop - thanks!) but it happens. So we deal with it. We deal with the "whoas" the "how many are you carrying" the comments about everything possible. We even somehow deal with the strange woman in in Food Lion that pats your belly as she is walking by and says, "Not too much longer!". Yes, that happened and she almost lost that arm, my hands were full with boxes of cereal. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have all the other questions and have to listen to needless advice from everyone and their Aunt Sue. Advice is great and I am thankful I have so many knowledgeable friends and family members, but its still out of order.

I have been through the labor process before. I have given birth before. I know what to expect. I did this before most of my friends. So it kind of stings when advice is given that I should have been giving for the past year. Make sense? So as much as everyone tries to be helpful it hurts at the same time. I know that no one is trying to hurt my feelings and one day it might not sting so much - one day. You know what goes through my head sometimes? This is really awful...awful awful. I think to myself well, when someone has to bury their child I will be able to give advice and experience on that subject. How terrible does that sound?? I would never wish that upon anyone, but its how bitter the subject is. I become bitter and upset when I am told to be patient and and hang in there because you want to know what it feels like? I feel like I have been pregnant for almost 2 years. June 2008 was when our journey with having kids and pregnancy began - so for 2 years we have basically been pregnant and still pregnant - waiting.

I guess I sometimes feel like I am a step behind everyone else and I am always playing catch up. John and I dated forever and then we finally got engaged (which is definitely ok and fine!) - before we got engaged, the same time or after our engagement everyone that only dated a short while got engaged as well. Then we got pregnant - and well you know that story. So then others started getting pregnant and their having all their babies after Hudson but before our BG and it makes everything feel like its crumbling down on me - trying to tread water to stay "in line" with everyone else. The truth is I really don't care about doing what everyone else is, but right now it just seems unfair.

I have learned that everyone has their own path and mine is full of detours that I have had to take - and that is fine. Well, I am still learning that it is fine. I am learning that I cannot control everything in my life. I like to have my life planned like a perfect little timeline and its not anymore. I am learning more and more that God is in control and ultimately HE is the one that I need to worry about and have a "perfect" relationship with; that is what matters. I do not like to ask for help - really ever. I have been doing that lately and letting go of things. The laundry has been piling up and my dishes are left everywhere - luckily I have a wonderful husband that takes up my slack. The nursery is not even close to being finished and I am okay with that as well. I asked my parents to come over this weekend to help with setting up the furniture and help me get organized - and to help my poor little weeded flower bed. Luckily they are excited to do so :)

I don't even know how I got on the subject of everything above. When I sat to write this post was going to write about how I am mad that the doctor that delivered Hudson mentioned that I would go early - like 36-37 weeks for delivery. So since then I have had it in my mind that this baby should be here - now. I don't deal well with things not happening when I am expecting them too. I am, however, proud of how I am handling the situation this time. I have a perfect example of a time when it would have been a travesty and I would have been sobbing, pleading, and having a panic attack. It was back in high school (when I was Miss Sensitive - "look at me the wrong way and I will cry") and I had this awful plantar wart on my foot. Gross, I know. It got to the point where it hurt to walk...then to cheer...and then to dance. At that point something had to be done. We went to some doctor and he tried to freeze it off - well, that made the little sucker spread and turn bigger. Next we went to my dermatologist - whom I had a very close relationship to being that I had awful skin and I was allergic to everything that touched my skin. Well, I had it in my mind that at that very visit this painful wart would be taken care of - it would be cut out and done with. WELL, apparently the wart was too big and too deep that I would bleed to death (ok, not really, but I would bleed a lot) and I needed to go to a plastic surgeon to have it lasered off. Ok, no big deal right? Just take me there and lets get it done. So, the plastic surgeon we wanted to use was the same one that stitched up the skin beside my eye when I was hit with a metal baseball bat. Apparently he was busy that day - so I through a royal tantrum, the biggest hissy fit a 17 year old girl could throw. Seriously - I started to hyperventilate. I had it in my mind and was ready for this painful torturous event and it needed to happen then - I was mentally prepared. So, I don't know what happened, but Dr. Van made room for me and we had it lasered off that day - maybe I passed out or something - I don't know. (On a side-note if you have not seen the root of a plantar wart you have missed out.)

The point is I was expecting something to happen and when it did not I went into hysterics. Not because I was being a brat or I had to have it my way, but because I had mentally prepared myself and it took so much energy to prepare for something like that - knowing it was going to be painful. See how much I have grown? I sit here calmly waiting for BG to make her arrival. I have not been begging for an induction just waiting patiently. Now, inside my mind is going crazy, but at least I have not thrown myself into fits about it! It is still frustrating, but I have to keep telling myself that each morning I wake up is one morning closer until I will hold my precious daughter in my arms.