Rough Day

The past couple of days have been rough. Yesterday I felt different/less fetal movement. I cast it off because I was running around like crazy during the entire day. So today I gave it another chance to satisfy my need for movement. By 11AM (can you tell I am impatient??) I was not satisfied and started hyperventilating at work - luckily no one was around. I then burst into tears - having one of my anxiety attacks. I needed to go to the doctor. I calming (in a trance) grabbed my purse telling everyone I would be back in a little bit. I didn't want to alarm anyone and by telling anyone it would alarm everyone and my family would be worry-warting right alongside. I did, however, call John and tell him I was on my way to the doctor. John of course said he would meet me up there - I was grateful.

I arrived at the office - with a tear stained face - and went to the normal appointment procedures and then was taken into a room. The nurse, Olivia, was trying to calm me down. Normally my blood pressure is low like 90/68; yet today it was 120/78 - think I was a little stressed? Olivia had me lay down and she turned off the lights to calm down. Judy my NP came in and we all started going over what I was feeling. She brought out the doppler and of course heard BG's healthy little heartbeat. It of course did not satisfy me. As we all know I went in a week before Hudson was born having the same movement issues and then a week later he was no longer here.

I am very blessed to have such an understanding team of nurses/doctors that understand me and tell me that I am not crazy. John then made it into the room - after I had another panic attack. Which was nice because me sobbing and saying "I cannot go through this again" would not have been the sight to reassure him everything was ok. Next we went into the room with the fetal monitor. We sat there forever with Judy and Olivia coming in and out checking on the progress and Judy coming in with what the plan was to help me. Of course it is too early for BG to come out - as much as I want her to be out I know it is not safe just yet. So, Judy said we would do a BPP (bio-physical profile) test which measures about 10 different things. From there we would be able to see how everything was progressing and if I didn't pass part of it we would go from there. The next addition to the plan would be that I would have appointments twice a week - every Tuesday and Friday. At each of these appointments I will have a BPP. My doctors were right on top of everything. After hearing the new plan, and agreeing to it, I felt much better.

Next we went into the ultrasound room where they performed the rest of the BPP. Apparently everything passed and went well. Little BG is doing just fine; probably just wondering why her mama is so tense! So - for now I will have those appointments and we will continue to go from there. I still feel a difference in movement, but I have been checked in all ways to be checked. It will definitely help to be going in twice a week. Hopefully. If I can just get through the next 3-5-7 weeks. Heavy prayers will be needed to help me with my mental issues from now until then.

The rest of the day went by normally; meaning I was pretty much emotionally exhausted. It didn't end there though. I received a call tonight regarding a prayer I have been asking to be answered. My dad called and told me that my Grandmother passed away tonight. You know as much as I prayed for her to be at peace and to be with God it is still hard when it actually happens. I don't think I have really cried throughout the whole process until tonight. Probably tears of relief that she was finally free. FREE - she is in Heaven with Hudson and my Grandfather, her first husband. For the first time in a long time I imagine she is truly happy. It is comforting to think that, but it is still just a strange feeling; death. It is final and it is hard to imagine that I will no longer be able to see my Grandmother, go to her house - anything ever again. Maybe that is why we really grieve our loved ones. It is hard to believe that my brother, sister, and I made it to say our final goodbyes in time - not knowing it would be the final time. Maybe it was something my grandmother needed. She had a chance to look each of us in the eye and hold each of our hands one last time. Thank you for all of your prayers for my family and grandmother - please continue to keep my family in your prayers as the final goodbyes to my grandmother's body are said.