Anticipation

I sit waiting. Well, not really sitting, but you get the idea. I have less than 29 days until BG's due date. 29 days. After my last birthing experience I never thought I would make it past 30 weeks in a pregnancy and have another child. I really didn't think I would mentally or emotionally be able to handle another pregnancy. It was truly a complete "how'd that happen" that we ended up pregnant - actually for both pregnancies. We had not discussed it yet - we were still up in the air on what our plans were. Regardless I was overjoyed when I saw the positive pregnancy test. To this day I still do not even know why I took the test. I took it October 16th and I should not have needed to take it until the 22nd. I found out very early.

Mentally and emotionally I am exhausted - I know my face shows it as well as my attitude. Only 29 more days until something great is possibly going to happen. Isn't that awful? To be so far along and still think that something bad is going to happen? It is really not something you can help - just something that has to be prayed about to not let it take over your mind. When I have let the anxiety take over it is not very pretty - walking around talking to yourself and shaking your head does not "look good" on me.


John and I have been diligently preparing the house - attempting to place an order in the nursery. Do you know what I picture? Sometimes I picture bringing a baby home and sometimes I picture closing the door and never entering because its too painful because we lost our 2nd child. I am washing the bassinet and crib sheets right now - none of which were items purchased, but items that are borrowed or my mom made. I feel safe washing those things. I still have not cut the tags or opened the boxes - its just too risky for my heart. We're sure going to be busy when BG finally does arrive and we bring her home - she'll have to sit naked for days until we wash her clothes :)


I have my 36 week appointment on Wednesday and I keep crossing my fingers that Dr. Helmken will mention something about inducing. I really don't care that the nursery isn't ready, that the furniture has not arrived, that nothing is in its place. That is all so unlike me. Usually I want everything set up just perfect - I would normally already have pictures of the complete room posted for everyone to see how cute it is, but not this time. I would rather have BG here and be unprepared at our house than to have our house prepared and no BG. Its a shame that some women have to go through pregnancy that way.


So, as I picture leaving the hospital after BG is born I have 2 different scenarios that my mind sees. One is leaving like I did last time - tear stained face, empty arms, and a broken heart. I see Hunter grieving just like he did for Hudson and the nursery prepared waiting for its occupant. The other is with BG happy as can be, bringing her home for Hunter to sniff and love on. The latter is what I am aching for - to have this sweet little one in my arms living and breathing. The thought of being transported in a wheelchair again to the front entrance empty armed is too much to think about even dealing with again.