Life Goes On

No matter what happens in your life - it never stops. Well, unless you are dead of course, but then really if you think about it your "life" still isn't over because we're all going to have life in Heaven. Anyway, time never stops and people continue to go about their mundane daily routine. In the middle, at some point a tragedy happens and you want to freeze time. You want to stop the world around you so that you can have your time to grieve without having to live - without missing life. It is so hard to grieve fully and live your life fully {while enjoying it} at the same time. Sometimes it would be nice to have a grief bubble where we can go have our moment and the world just gives us that chance to grieve without seeing life go on.

Recently I was with some other moms and we were having the normal conversations about motherhood and kids. At some point, at the end of the gathering, one of my dear friends pulled me aside and apologized for perhaps making me feel uncomfortable during the conversation. This friend of mine is really so sweet - she always makes sure to remember Hudson and is so thoughtful. I told her everything was fine - no uncomfortableness. I got home and found a facebook message from her again apologizing. A week later I was finally able to write her back. {right now I cannot find the time to write more than a simple sentence before I must tend to something else}.

Before I sat to write I started thinking about life moving on - how it is ignorant to the fact that your heart is bleeding for time. Wanting so badly to have a moment, just one moment when the world stops and lets you grieve without having to push forward in the motions of continuing living.

When I wrote my friend I told her that she had nothing to apologize for - that she didn't make me uncomfortable. {You might want to know that she has a little boy that was born April 2009, so Hudson and he would have been about 2-4 weeks apart had I gone full term}. Does it sting to hear stories? Yes, of course, but that is natural. It is something I face continuously. Even though part of my life has stopped, the rest of my life {and the rest of the world} is still going. Babies were still being born {um, hello, every week for 4 months a friend/family member would announce they were pregnant right after I lost Hudson - I wanted to stab my eyes with an ice pick}. I would rather hear the stories than hear the silence of people not knowing what to say around me because they do not want to be insensitive. There is definitely a difference of someone telling me what their children are doing versus telling me that I need to have a boy for my second child. In regards to the latter portion of that sentence - I have learned to grin and bare it.

I read an article stating said something about parents that lost a child due to stillbirth or before their year birthday were more likely to die earlier than other parents. Dying of a broken heart. I didn't see the actual numbers, but I can definitely believe it. If I didn't have Heidi I do not think I would be as far along in my grief process as I am today. I think having her gave me the ability to still grieve for Hudson, but Heidi has given me the chance to patch the cracks of the brokenness my heart felt. The broken part has been replaced with love and joy while still letting part of my heart grieve.

Life goes on. We live and we die - and eventually we will all be living again in Heaven.