Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Right Where I Am: 2 Years - 5 Months

I have decided to link up to the Right Where I Am post from Angie's still life with circles blog. Its hard to say where I am right now. In each day, with each adventure that takes place I could go from happy to sad in the blink of an eye. Its still hard not to play the "what if" game. Heidi and I were at the pool this weekend and I thought to myself - would I be out here if I had two to take care of and watch after? would I be as close to Heidi as we are? would I be as careful or as appreciative of Heidi as I am? Its hard not to play the "what if" game when things do not go as they planned or there were other options in your life. Everyone does it. Some of my other "what ifs" are:

"what if"... had gone to UGA

...majored in dance

...didn't go to college and danced

...got married sooner

If we sit and dwell upon the "what ifs" we'll never move to the "what is" - we cannot live our life in a fairy day dreamland. Yes, its okay to let myself think thoughts like these every so often, but its not healthy to let it consume my thoughts. Letting it consume just puts you sitting in the middle of a hurricane of grief never getting out of the eye of the storm. After 2 years and 5 months I have learned the definition of "how many do you have" vs "how many have you had". After 2 years and 5 months I still have not learned how to not be so awkward when starting off to tell my story when asked why I would have multiple ultrasounds with Heidi and why I had to take so many shots/meds. I am still awkward in general. I am still learning what to do in certain situations; still handling depression and how to move away from depression triggering moments.

After almost 2 and a half years I am still growing and learning about how to be a mother of a child that never lived and to a child that is living now. After these years I can still recall every last detail that happened right down to what I was wearing. I am not sure if I have progressed or remained stagnant in my grief. Its still there and it will always remain. Maybe the awkwardness will go away, but I doubt it. Maybe if the awkwardness went away it would not make other people feel so awkward when hearing my story. Its hard because you never know how someone is going to feel about you after you drop such a bomb on them. I usually end up telling a person I have just met within the first few minutes of meeting them. Not on purpose, it just happens - like its normal. So, after 2 years and 5 months (really 2 years, 4 months, and 28 days) I am still here. Still grieving. Still learning. And still hopeful for what is to come. There is not a map with directions on how one should be coping at this point in grief, but its like taking a trip without reservations - never knowing where you will end up.


Hope's Mama said...

You're not too far behind me on this grief journey. So sorry about your Hudson.
Still grieving.
Still learning.
That's exactly it.

Julesagain said...

Oh the questions about kids. I've avoided company parties, reunions, you name it, to avoid those conversations. Because, like you said, it's a bomb dropped into a happy occasion. But the one and only time I said I had one child, I wanted to rip my tongue out. It's been over 5 years, and I really am no better at it.

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry about the passing of your beautiful baby Hudson. You wrote about many topics I can relate to such as learning how to be a mom to angel in heaven, figuring out what to tell people, and the big D. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Hugs.

Holly said...

Def still learning and grieving that's for sure!! And I'm like you where I do think about the what ifs on occasion but I don't dwell there.

Fireflyforever said...

"If we sit and dwell upon the "what ifs" we'll never move to the "what is" - we cannot live our life in a fairy day dreamland."

I'm at a very similar stage in my grief too (2y8m) and your remark above nailed it for me. It's a hard move to make and probably the biggest shift in my perspective over the last 2+ years.

I am so sorry about little Hudson.

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