Sunday, July 18, 2010


Today was our first Sunday back to church since Heidi was born. For months I went to church praying and praying over Heidi while carrying her. I did not know if she would be making it out of my womb alive or if she would have something wrong with her - or if everything would turn out fine. Songs would play and my eyes would burn with tears and I would try my best to hold them back. It was my obsession to pray about Heidi. I would beg, plead, and beg some more to God for her to be just perfect and alive. Sometimes I would cry myself to sleep thinking about it or sob in the shower as I prayed for Heidi and her well-being. I would eventually forget to pray for other things going on in my life, forgiveness of sins, other people, or giving thanks for what God had given me. Not all the time, but some of the time, these would not make it to the prayer list.

Now with Heidi here I can sometimes find myself slipping into obsession with her. I get lost in amazement of her being here. God has given me the most precious gift I could ever want or imagine. I give thanks to Him everyday for her. I find myself slipping in my Bible reading and studies because I want to constantly be with Heidi. It kind of scares me that now that I "have what I want" (with Heidi here) that she could become my "idol" or "god" - by me putting her above my relationship with God.

I think I came to this conclusion today while in church. Brian Jobe was speaking and I kept turning to look at Heidi and I constantly kept losing focus in the lesson. When the final song played the words completely spoke to me - I can't remember the song right now, but it was one with giving God all your focus and attention and thanking Him for everything. Basically that "I'm alive" because of Him. Then I started to think about Heidi - and all that I posted above. With all that God has given me and all my answered prayers He definitely deserves more attention then I have been giving Him lately - and more focus as well. I need to make sure Heidi does not become more of an idol and put above God in my life. Its hard for anyone to do that; to finally get something they have wanted so badly and not let that thing become the center of their existence. So my new goal is to make sure I am giving God more of my time while still enjoying all of Heidi's sweetness.

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