Children are a gift of the LORD
A verse that is heard quite often right? At least you have heard similar versions I am sure. This verse always makes me think. It makes me wonder why my gift was given, but I only was allowed to keep half of it. The half of Hudson that is in my heart is what I have, but I don't have him physically here. I pray (plead) everyday to God that I will be allowed the full gift of BG - to have her in my heart (as she already is) and to have her here physically as well. Sometimes I become angry at this verse and those like it.
Have you ever seen those shows titled I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant or Sixteen and Pregnant? I become so irritated (then again what doesn't irritate me lately!) at those shows. Then there are the movies and real life stories of teenage girls making a pact to get pregnant as if their child was some sort of an accessory. That is how I see so many people now - they treat their children like those little dogs you put in purses. They want a doll to dress up and play with, but they really do not want to have the children. Many times I have heard teenage girls plan to have a child just so that they can receive money from the government or whatever it is that gives them money when they do not have a job and they have kids. That is their goal for after high school - not to go to college or get a job or even to meet a future husband - but to get pregnant so that they can be supported.
The crackheads down the street can pop out a baby left and right and they probably don't even care, know how many children they have, or know the fathers of their children. Am I judging them? No, they are living their life the way they want, but am I jealous because they are given something so precious as a child when I have lost one? Absolutely. How does that make sense? To give value to a child but yet people that do not realize the value are having them over those that see their value and more.
Infertility is complete heartbreak. It really is. Then when it is thrown in your face constantly by ungratefulness it makes it even worse. The desire to have a child is put into your heart and some women have to pray for that desire to go away because they have been trying so hard and are unable to produce a child. In my own life I wonder sometimes which is harder - to be expecting a child and then suddenly lose him like I did or to not be able to have even the experience of carrying a child. With my experience its like a teasing - kind of how you tease a cat with a string, they get so close to snatching it and then BAM you take it away. I think that's the scariest part of being so far along in this pregnancy - once again I am almost at that finish line. I don't want to come up short again.
There are so many other factors that make my situation and those dealing with their own battles of infertility even worse. People with kids act like you are nothing without kids; that your life is meaningless unless you reproduce. I really wish people would just think about what they are saying when they speak out loud. You never know a person's situation or their struggles in life. Of course I have always tried to think before I speak, but now more so as I have to deal with the constant remarks that twist the knife of heartbreak deeper and deeper.
I really have been more positive about this pregnancy lately and deep down inside knowing that everything is going to be okay. Saying that last sentence actually scares me because the moment your guard is let down is when you are left vulnerable. Then there is that little annoying voice inside that keeps saying, "something could still go wrong you know..". It's that voice that made me want to wait until after 30 weeks to order furniture, its that voice that will not allow me to cut off the tags or open any presents out of their containers. I did start to pack diaper bags up and the diaper stacker - both of which are big steps for me. Usually I would be freaking out not having the nursery set up or everything set to a tea, but I think if it was all set up I would be even more anxious. So, for now I will slowly set things up, continue my scrapbooking, and slowly start packing my hospital items in a little corner.