It is still early in the day, but already it is a day with thoughts and wonders. I guess it started when I was at a red light and I started realizing I am less than 8 weeks away from being 30 weeks. That measurement of pregnancy is something that is hard to grasp. Obviously I have not experienced pregnancy beyond 30 weeks. My destiny was to skip the remaining 7-10 weeks and go straight to the birthing process. Ddelivering with this pregnancy will be a breeze (been there, done that) and I am not worried about anything. In my head I am having a fast easy delivery like Hudson's was physically. No plans for drugs, but I know that if I need them they will be there for me.
Sometimes it is like this pregnancy is similar to a stepladder. I needed to get to 8-12 weeks before telling anyone, I needed to get to 18 weeks for the anatomy scan, I needed to then make it to 20 weeks where it would no longer be considered a miscarriage, now I need to get to 24 weeks where if something happens the doctors will consider her viable and work hard to safe her life, then it will be 30 weeks (which will probably be the hardest), and so on. I have come to terms that it is okay that I cannot fully enjoy being pregnant. I hear the gasps. I do enjoy being pregnant, but in a different way. I enjoy what is actually happening in my body and having a little girl growing strong inside of me (and from her kicks and punches she is going to be a very strong little girl). I don't enjoy the part of pregnancy that most women enjoy. I don't like thinking of the future. If I don't plan then I can't be let down, right?
Picking out nursery fabric, furniture, names, paints....all of those things that expectant mothers enjoy while their body is transforming. Those things keep them occupied while they are having those not so pleasant pregnancy symptoms. For me they symbolize what I will have to do if something should happen again. They stress me out to where I cannot focus on anything - hence the start of project 365 to make my mind focus somewhere else. I brought back tons of clothes and baby items from my trip last weekend and you know what crossed my mind? What am I going to do with all of these things if I don't need them? Will everyone take their things back because I certainly will not want the items in my house. Picking out fabric - purchasing something for our daughter was a big step. I am still stalling on furniture, partly because I want to see what color will best suit the fabric we have picked out, but also because I am dreading asking the sales associate a particular question - you know, what happens in the event I do not need the furniture after all.
Having a baby shower absolutely scares me to death. I have a friend that is throwing one for me, but I needed to have it after 30 weeks and pretty much at the latest moment in time possible. I know that if I gave into my fears and did not have one I would feel like I missed out on such a special event and look back with regrets. I guess it leaves a horrible taste in your mouth when you had a shower planned and then instead you are attending your child's funeral that same weekend.
We have trips and vacations planned for after BG (still no no name...) arrives and those trips will be so hard to go on knowing that arrangements were made for her to be with us or a babysitter (the grandparents). We have a family trip, 2 class reunions, a trip with friends....
There is part of me that knows everything is going to be just fine - we are going to have this little girl and then join the rest of the non-sleeping, complaining parents out there. Then there is another part saying, "It happened before, it can happen again." I know I should be thinking positive and I am - trust me I have been in such a better place and I am doing very well. I just need to step back and take things slowly, one step at a time. It is the only way I am not going to have a nervous breakdown in the next 15-18 weeks.
2 days ago