Maybe?

So - this evening I took a test and well, I think I might be pregnant. It's day 38 of my cycle and apparently I ovulated very late. I tested for days with nothing - no symptoms of a period and thinking there might have been symptoms of a pregnancy, but I didn't know if they were true symptoms or if it was me just thinking that I needed to feel that way since my period was SO late. I say that I might be pregnant because the line is extremely faint (just like it was when I took my first test when pregnant with Hudson) and I won't be sure until in the morning or even a day or two after that.

I have never been so filled with mixed emotions. I am overjoyed at having another child - so overjoyed that I cannot wipe this grin off my face. While I am feeling overly excited I am also feeling guilt and grief over Hudson. How is it that I can allow myself to feel so happy at having another baby when Hudson was not given his chance? Then I feel guilty about feeling guilty because how is that fair to Baby H #2? My head hurts trying to analyze the situation and my stomach fills hollow.

God knows how much John and I want to expand our family with tons (3-4?) of little ones running around - is it time? Will we be able to see a live birth and experience all the new things with this child? Will we be able to keep Hudson's memory alive and remember how special he is while preparing for this baby? I know everyone says they will and I know that NOTHING will replace Hudson, but how do you do it? Will we still grieve over the memories that we will never make with Hudson or will our second child be a replacement for those memories? I am just filled with so many questions and I have no idea where I will go on this journey. I have no idea about anything except that I am so excited to be (maybe) pregnant with our next baby.

Already I have hopes and dreams for this little one - already I have fears that what happened with Hudson will happen to our second child. I know that because of Hudson I will be able to appreciate so much more the time with baby #2. I will be able to cherish each moment and memory more than anyone (expect those like me) can. I also know how much love and prayer there will be surrounding our baby - and us. I know there are people already that are praying for John and I and for us to expand our family like we want and praying that we won't go through heartbreak again.

I also feel guilty that I drank a coke and ate fast food today, but those are the little things and I know that I don't have to be perfect during my pregnancy.