VLOG - Still Life With Circles

Yes, I am here - I still exist :) Taking part in Angie's blog - still life with circles - and posting a VLOG (video blog?) where we are to read a post from a time in the past. I picked a post from July 2009 when I was participating in a weekly devotional type of blog.

A few sidebars:
- The camera does not like me.
- I have no make-up on and I look scary. I may rethink the strike against make-up.
- I make strange faces when talking to a camera and my mouth makes weird shapes.
- My shirt is too small so I will definitely be getting a larger one on Friday before I run in the Rock-n-Roll marathon....

Part 1

Part 2 (because I was videoing from my phone and my husband called and I had already done about a billion takes and I didn't want to start over again!!) HA!

2 Years - late

No, I didn't forget. You never forget. Even though my ears are filled with the most joyous laughter and new word developing sounds; I still remember the day there was no sound. Its as clear as if it happened 10 minutes ago - hard to believe it was 2 years ago on January 16th. Some nights I am haunted by the silence. The only sound being my tears and my fight to be strong. In the day time during day dreams I have flashbacks of the soft little bundle I held that laid there unmoving. Still to this day I wonder what would have happened had they performed an ultrasound the week before. I should have been more insistent.

There is such a conflict of emotions. Hudson and Heidi were both born on the 16th of their birth months. When we celebrate a new month with Heidi its hard not to think how old Hudson would be. With each new milestone or development we celebrate with Heidi, its a constant reminder of what we didn't get to celebrate with him. Everything seems so bittersweet, yet I am able to separate the two emotions. Somehow it all works. I am still waiting for the "one day" to happen. You know the "one day" when it won't sting so bad when people say certain things. I am waiting for the "one day" when it will be easier to be happy for what others have rather than be sad about what I have lost.

Thank You

Over the past couple of weeks I have realized what this blog really is "doing". It isn't just a place I go to write my thoughts out or a place to record our family journal - which is why I originally started writing. I really "got into" blogging the more I read from other women who had experienced the loss of a child. It has been a place to go to write - something I love to do. My grammar and proofreading can be atrocious at times, and I write exactly as I speak - including how I jump from one topic to another. I never thought about who would read this blog or if anyone would even be reading - and neither really influenced my decision to have a blog. One major lesson I have learned is that when you experience an event like John and I did, and with it being an event that we could not keep hidden, others want to know how you are handling your experience.

As a Christian you are looked upon differently when times get tough because lets be honest - it is easy to "act Christianly" when you slide through life without any bad experiences or hardships. Its easy to remain positive and upbeat and say that "everything is gonna be alright" when you haven't had to face trials. I was obviously pregnant and my whole grieving process was therefore public knowledge - whether because of being from a small town, facebook, going to a semi-small college, etc.; either way there was no way to escape. So what else could I have done but put my big girl panties on and let others see what was really going on - the good and bad. Doesn't it make it easier to know that there is someone facing the same trials as you? That others have been there? That you can still believe that God is good no matter what is thrown at you? It is even easy to be on this blog and pretend to always have the best attitude no matter what is thrown your way. What good would all of that do? Nothing - absolutely nothing because it would be fake and others would only become discouraged after reading the blog knowing that they were mad and had a hard time "having a Christian attitude" when times were tough.

Why is it that we try to mask our emotions and only let others see the good? Sometimes there just isn't good - sometimes life really kicks you in the butt and it stinks. Then when that happens what good does it do to have a pity party about your troubles? Nothing - there is no good in self wallowing. Letting others see your vulnerability, I have learned, is what helps others triumph over their hard times. You know the saying about being stronger in numbers? I think it comes into play in this situation because knowing there are others struggling in your same area makes you feel better instead of thinking "why does this have to happen to me". You have someone you can relate to go go to for help.

The past few weeks God has continued to shower me with blessings - blessings that come in the form of good friends, great friends, and friends that I have lost regular contact with. The messages I have gotten lately from friends that have been reading my blog have brought me to tears. Partly because I never knew what an impact this blog, my thoughts, my feelings, Hudson...what they have done to have an impact on others. Laying it all out there and having Hudson's death truly have meaning and purpose has come alive because of you; and I thank you for that, for making that dream of mine come true.

The Secret Garden - October

The Secret Garden Meeting is a place for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted and to share our hearts.

This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby? How are you feeling? How do you hope you will feel in the future? Have you found any peace at all?

Where am I in my grief - a question that I hear from counselors, blogs, people, tons....the truth is I have no idea. I don't even know "where to be" with grief. I could say I am in one place, but the next day it might be a different answer. I just try and live each day and take what the day brings while trying to heal as best as I can. Lately I have been experiencing new parts to the grieving process - which will be explained later - and at times it can be me starting the whole process over again. It has only been 9 and 1/2 months so there is still more grieving and healing to go - it will be that way for the rest of my life here on Earth.

Right now, at this present day I have so many mixed emotions (I know some of this isn't making any sense, but it will soon) and I don't know which way to feel. In the future I know the grieving will get easier and the heart will heal with scars. I look forward to the day when I can live my life without the fear of losing another child in the womb. I look forward to the day when I can say I am happy and not jealous and mean it - though most of the time I do.

I am at peace with not having Hudson here anymore. I am not a dweller and I know that the reality is he is not here and he will never be here. In being a realist and having a cut and dry way of looking at life maybe that helps aide in peace - that and having a relationship with God. Knowing that this is all a part of His plan gives me the most peace of all.

the music

This afternoon I had to call my husband at work (which I rarely do) because there were some strange charges on our bank account. I am completely obsessed with my online banking and with balancing my checkbook. This obsession probably started after I used to rarely balance my checkbook and got into a few money mishaps. We all have to learn, right? Anyways, back to the point. Have you ever heard the studies about how music can trigger certain memories? I studied this in school in my psychology classes, the many many psychology classes....! I am a very firm believer in this and often I will hear certain songs and recall certain associated memories with those songs. For example, Vitamin C "Graduation" - I remember standing with my friends after graduation as we cried; that "wanna be a baller, shot caller" song - Shannon and Holly during senior year spring break stopping to visit Valdosta for tours and then heading to Panama City to stay with my aunt. There are many many others....

Back to today's song. I called John at work and was put on hold...then the music played...then the image played in my head. I remembered the very last time I called John at work. It was January 15 when I was calling to tell him the news. I remembered myself, wearing the black maternity sweater and corduroy pants. My hair was down and curly and my face was tear stained. I remember the image of my baby on the ultrasound screen - one reason I still today do not like to look at still pictures of ultrasounds. I remember the nurse sitting there at her machine....I remember it all. Most of all I remember that music. I don't think I will be calling John at work again for awhile.

Callus

I have no idea if I am using the proper spelling of callus - in reference to calling someone callus, that is. I know that a callus is the hardened or thickened skin that forms. In the old days those were known to be on my feet from so many hours of dancing. It must have been pretty bad at one point because every time I would go to have my shins wrapped while running track the guy would scrape off my calluses..hmm...

Anyways, so, I've had plenty of calluses in my life, but never has this been a word used to describe me. Me of all people - I guess when life kicks you in the butt (or you at least feel that way) you tend to be a little hard in certain subjects. I do not look at it as me being "hard", but merely "real" that things happen. I am sure you are on the tips of your seat wondering how a sweet little person, that tries her hardest not to offend anyone, could ever be called this word. Get ready for story time!

Yesterday a woman, let's call her Juanita, drops off something to me at my place of work. It was a pair of sunglasses to give to another person, we'll call her Ethel. Juanita tells me to give the sunglasses to Ethel and states she is in a lot of pain and headed to the doctor. Maybe an hour passes and I receive a phone call from Juanita asking if Ethel had picked up her sunglasses...

Juanita: "Has Ethel been there yet?"

Me: "No."

Juanita: "Well, DO NOT let her get those sunglasses...I just got back to the doctor and he told me I have scalpel herpes and it is very contagious and pregnant women should not be anywhere near me."

Me: "Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that, I will certainly let her know."

Juanita: "Please, make sure she does not touch those sunglasses. I cannot remember if I had them on my head, I might have, but do not let her touch them."

Me: "I will make sure and not let her touch them"

**then I am to listen more and more and more about how not to let Ethel touch the sunglasses**

Juanita: "I would feel guilty for the rest of my life if something happened to her baby"

Me: "You shouldn't feel guilty for the rest of your life, things happen - even when there isn't a reason."

Juanita: silence...then continues on about Ethel not touching the glasses.

So this morning I get a call from Ethel telling me how Juanita called her (to tell her not to touch the sunglasses) and then proceeded to let her know "that girl" (referring to me) was callus about the subject. Of course Ethel defended me and explained the situation and Juanita was apologetic after she found out my deep dark secret.

It is so frustrating, but at the same point I don't care that I am insensitive towards the subject. I feel that it is ok for me to be "hard" if you will because it happened to me. Maybe I am bitter because this woman clearly forgot who I was, even though she has known me for years, or maybe it was because she was in contact with me and didn't seem to care that I might become infected with her scalpel herpes. Needless to say I picked up the glasses with a paper (double) towel and put them in a plastic bag - I was not about to touch them.

Tennessee Residents

If you live in Tennesse please read and sign this petition. My "blog friend" Danielle is petitioning for the state of Tennesse to recognize the birth of her son Wyatt.

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/recognize-life-in-tennessee

A break...

So some of you readers have probably noticed I have taken a break from my daily blog posting. There is a reason for that and I am still trying to put my finger on what is going on in my life. John and I are still going to the fertility doctor to get me "fixed" and I think it's beginning to take a toll on me. I am assuming that I am getting impatient, not because I am ready to have more children, but more so because I still do not have my answers to what is happening with my body. Last week I had a biopsy of my endometrian and tomorrow John and I go back to go over results of the tests we have taken the past month. I believe there will be 2 different appointments because there are so many tests that were taken.

I have started venturing to blogs that are more on my path - ones that are composed by women that still do not have any children with them. I do read the blogs that I am already following because I like keeping up with those amazing women. I want to see that there is hope for me in these other women that are still having a hard time with having a living breathing healthy child - some of them just had their babies after facing so many tough years with loss. I know that hope is not lost on me, but I am just ready to find out what my options are and why my body is broken. I still to this day do not understand why my body didn't cooperate. I live such a healthy lifestyle - and still I see women doing the "wrong" things while pregnant and they have happy results. It's is so utterly frustrating.

So I am stuck in this rut - not knowing what I am doing and just falling through the motions of what we call life. Everyday I feel I am searching for myself and who I am supposed to be as I face new challenges. I am putting forth effort in all that I do - trying to occupy my time with something other than wallowing in my own self pity. Building a house, soon moving into a house, class reunion planning, teaching dance, taking dance lessons....nothing is satisfying. Who knows where this blog may end up going - so for those of you that read just bear with me on my "blog for the weary and tired".

Walking With You - Naming Hudson

I have been following a blog called The Beauty of Sufficient Grace and Kelly, the founder, has created Sufficient Grace Ministries to help those that has lost a child. On her blog she has created a study called Walking With You where women tell their stories, read each others grieving, while praying for each other and helping to comfort one another.

Comforting Others With the Comfort We Have Received

(2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

This week (well, last week really, but I was away on vacation without internet access - and yes I will post back dated posts on my vacation!) we were asked to share about naming our children. John and I named our little boy Hudson Greer Henninger. Why? Because we liked the way it sounded. We wanted a name that was different, unique and something that flowed well. During our pregnancy we didn't tell anyone the name of our baby - we still hadn't quite decided ourselves.

John researched some names and we saw Hudson and then Greer and we really liked the way it sounded. No one else we knew of had that name and it was unique. So, for most of the pregnancy we called him Hudson. Before we even knew we were pregnant I wanted to name our child Cooper Folsom (Folsom was my grandfather/great-grandfather/uncle's name), but John's sister was dating (now engaged) to a guy with the last name of Cooper - we felt that would either be confusing if they got married (because they were only dating at the time) or be a hard reminder to her if they were to break up. John also wanted our first child's name to be something that we came up with all our own. We have plans for our other names when we have more children (Folsom, Thomas, etc - so if any friends or family members are reading this those names are taken and do not use them =) thanks!).

Right before we found out that Hudson was gone John and I had really started researching names and trying to pick out just the perfect name for our little guy. I remember we kept going back to Hudson each time, so when John met me up at the doctor's office he said, "well, we have a name for our first son - Hudson Greer". There was no way we could have saved that name and used it for another child. It would only remind us of our first little boy.

...and so it begins...

Today starts the anniversaries of Hudson's life. One year ago today is when John and I found out we were expecting our little boy...I can still remember the whole day like it just happened today - I even remember what I was wearing. Here is the post from when we found out the exciting news.

Walking With You - "Saying Goodbye"

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. If you haven't joined us yet, and would like to, you are more than welcome. Please visit Kelly's post to visit to check out the other blogs that have been written. This week, we are sharing about saying good-bye and experiencing the memorial service or funeral if applicable.

In my previous Walking With You post I mentioned that before finding out the news about Hudson I was googling to research what might be wrong. Before coming across the story that made me rush to the doctor's office I came across a story that I believe was pretty recent in the news. It was about a woman whose baby died while she was in the hospital and the story at the time said the hospital threw her baby away. I was mortified - no baby should just be thrown away. So, flash forward to me in the doctor's office after hearing the news and deciding on a vaginal delivery and we are on our way out the door. I remembered the story and thought, there is no way what happened to that lady in NJ is going to happen to me. I turned to my doctor and asked if we could take our baby with us. She told me yes of course, that we will want to spend some time with him, take pictures, hold him and that he was going to be the most beautiful baby we have ever seen.

When we got home from the doctor's office we retreated to our room (we have been staying at my parent's house while trying to find a place to live) and my dad started making arrangements. Our first thought was cremation - we didn't know what the policies were in our situation. That idea did not seem to suit my family and not that their opinion changed our mind, but we decided on a burial. My family already owned a few plots in the cemetery where my grandfather is resting, as well as other family and my great aunt. It's a memorial garden and it's where my dad already has a place for him and my mom as well as a few other spots. John and I told my dad we would like to use one of the plots temporarily until we find our plots (something I had never considered doing at such an early age until now). So, my dad began making all the arrangements with the funeral home and cemetery - it's what he does during situations like this. He was extremely helpful in making calls, screening calls, and getting all the details taken care of for us. We made arrangements for a friend of mine that is a pastor at our church to do the ceremony - he even came to visit us in the hospital.

Next we went to the hospital and after our stay the funeral home came to pick up Hudson. When John and I got home we had time for showers and then we left to go to the funeral home in order to make the rest of the arrangements. We gave the information for the obituaries and well, most of the details are blurry, but the funeral home was absolutely wonderful. The director was kind compassionate and just amazing to work with. We delivered Hudson on January 16, 2009 and the funeral was set for January 22, 2009. We asked in the obituary for the graveside service to be private - limited to only family and a few others. I remember during some point between delivery and the funeral John and I shopping for clothes for me and for a blanket for Hudson. We had a blanket that my mom made for him, but it was what he was wrapped in and we couldn't part with it. Shopping was a disaster that day - I couldn't find a single thing to wear to my son's funeral and I refused to wear black. I wanted white pants (I was going to ignore the no white after labor day rule) and something blue. I started crying on the way home because I couldn't find anything. We did stop at one more place and found a precious blue baby blanket that we took to the funeral home for Hudson to be wrapped in.

Later that day my mom and I went to the florist to pick out an arrangement for the casket, and a few other flowers. John and I had asked that friends and family send donations to the March of Dimes in lieu of flowers, but we wanted to have a few arrangements there. Later I went back to order 4 red roses (one for John, his mom, my mom, and me) and 4 yellow roses. I remember wanting bright colors; nothing that symbolized sadness.

John's family came into town the night before and we visited with them for awhile. The pastor, a guy my age that I knew in high school, came to meet with all of us to go over the message and details for the service - Lyle was absolutely amazing. I remember during this day feeling the worst physical pain I have ever felt in my life. My milk started coming in and I couldn't find any relief. I sat with ice packs on my chest, used cabbage leaves - tried everything. My sister-in-law was my saving grace that night. She, my brother, and my cousin came in from Atlanta and she brought me a pump to give me a little bit of relief. Pumping just that small amount gave me so much relief and took so much pain away. When we were in the hospital I asked what to do about my milk and I had intended in donating, but in the long scheme of things I knew that would be too hard and just another reminder of what I had lost.

The morning of Hudson's funeral came and I finally settled on a pair of gray pants, a blue sweater, and my winter white coat. John and I were the first to arrive and our funeral director already had everything set up. We saw Hudson's tiny baby blue coffin and a few flower arrangements and we brought along a few other things to display as well - a framed memory certificate with his monogram on it and a picture of our sweet little boy. We stood around the area and visited with those that had come and then we began the service. My dear friend Deidre sang - she has the most amazing voice you could ever hear. When she sings she moves you, bringing you to tears or giving you goosebumps. Some attendants thought a CD was playing until they looked and saw her. I don't remember the order of the service, but I know that she sang "Held" by Natalie Grant and that Lyle spoke about our son - please read more of his message in this post, and then Deidre sang "Jesus Love Me".

John and I placed our red roses on Hudson's coffin and then our mothers placed theirs as well. When the service was over we invited everyone to my sister's house for a meal that the church was providing for us. We stood there in our spots while everyone came to pay their condolences and give hugs. I remember one friend telling me it was okay to grieve and then almost falling apart in another friend's arms. Publicly grieving is so hard - I only know to show happiness. After everyone left we waited for Hudson's coffin to be lowered and we were given the chance to do the first shovel and then we sat and watched Hudson as well as our dreams of him be buried further into the ground.

After leaving John and I went on to my sister's house to visit with everyone and I brought Hudson's scrapbook and baby book that I made sure to finish as much as I could to show everyone. It was important to me that they see how much we were planning for Hudson and how we were documenting him as he grew. John and I knew that the day of Hudson's funeral would be one of the hardest days during this entire event. We got through it with by having such an amazing group of friends and family walking with us each step of the way.

Its my blog

So this is where I am at today. I blog because its my outlet; I blog because it makes me feel real; I blog because I may help others who are going through similar situations; I blog because if I don't get these feelings out then I will go insane. I don't know who all reads my blog. I know a few friends and family that read and a couple of strangers out there and that is fine. I just want to get this out there that this blog is for me. Its not for someone else. If it does help someone in the long run then good - I hope that my pain and hurt helps others going through difficult times. It is for my health and for the benefit of my mental stability. I do not care who reads it because the truth is yes I started blogging about everything that has happened in my life because I gained so much from reading blogs of other women who have lost a child, but in the end I blog for me. I should not have to edit what I put in this blog because, "I read your blog everyday and I don't want you to write something mean about me". I should not have to censor MY emotions and bottle things up inside. Ok, yes, maybe I should have the guts to tell people how I really feel, but I can't. I really and truly cannot deal with confrontation and where I am now is a whole lot better then where I used to be.

There was a time when I had no self-esteem, where I was a size 2-4 and still thought I was fat, when I had a little acne and I thought I looked like a pizza, and when my teeth were crooked and I felt like the ugliest person in the world. Who was I to tell others my problems? Why would anyone care what the lowly crooked tooth pizza face fat girl felt like? Maybe it was from being an adolescent or maybe it was something else, but that's how it was. I have grown out of that now and I have been away from that person for a long time. I have confidence and I do not worry as much about what others think about me - on the outside. I have spent the past few years making sure that everyone knows my inside and likes me for me rather than how I look or dress.

So, onto WHY I have written all of the above. If you have been through what I have been through finding out someone is pregnant is not the easiest thing to hear. I have told friends/family that are "trying" not to tell me in a public situation and to just let me know straight out...no games. Three weeks after Hudson was born my sister-in-law and brother-in-law told us they were expecting - I bawled my eyes out. The next week it was our friend Stacy, the next week our friend Jeannie, the next week our friend Lauren, the next week our friend Danielle, the next week our friend Melissa - are you getting where I am going with this? Its been rough and as happy as I truly am for them I am also grieving the loss of my one child, my son Hudson. It has only been 4 months. So today, I am informed someone else is pregnant. I specifically told them they needed to tell me when they found out and they respected my wishes by doing so. That should have been the end - nothing else.

Here is the "else" with the conversation. "are you pregnant" - asking me, "no, I am not" Then she askes when I will tell her when I am pregnant and I told her whenever I am ready. She mentions that I told her to tell me immediately so I should too. Nope, wrong answer - someone telling me they are pregnant is a whole different ballgame then me telling them. Its going to be a little different when John and I get pregnant again and the last thing I am worried about is telling people. Why? Because then I will have to "untell" people if we face the same situation as Hudson. Yes - that is what I think about when I think about being pregnant. As much as I want to have a child right now I am probably not ready, but then when is there ever a "ready"? When would I not have the fears of losing another child of mine? Trust me I have prayed and prayed for God to cast my fears away and He's working on me, but its a battle - a battle that God will prevail in.

Not only did that whole conversation take place, but I was asked not to blog about it. Seriously?Just because they read my blog does not mean its for them. Its for me - like I said earlier. If you notice I never write "mean things" about people in my posts - its not my character to be that way. So why would she even say that? Why get me angry that I am not to use my outlet the way I want to use it? So, I am blogging about it without fear of hurting feelings because my feelings have been hurting for four months and do you see me complaining to anyone? No - because its life and we take what God gives to us and praise Him for all of His many blessings. When something bad happens we look to Him and I have done nothing more. So, to those that ask people like me "not to blog" don't ever do that again.

How to Console

For those of you that do not know me; I am a very independent person. I like to do things for myself - including taking charge of my emotional self. This most likely stems from being an emotional teenager and wearing my emotions on my face - I would cry in front of others and show anger and any other emotion I was having. As I have grown older I think I have strengthened my emotional qualities. Personally I think the 3 years I worked in the hotel business toughened me up completely - people can be rude and nasty for no reason and all and then take all their frustrations out on you; a perfect stranger. I do not think it is a horrible thing to cry or be angry in front of others - it's just not my choice. My best and most comfortable expression is happiness and having a smile on my face. In fact when I start to feel sad I have two songs that I sing in my head "You're never fully dressed without a smile" - from the musical Annie or the "Put a smile on your face" by Vitamin C.

I enjoy sharing about Hudson when I want to talk about him; sometimes I don't mind when others ask questions. This whole situation has left me to believe that I am not a person that can be consoled. I am in charge of my own emotions and there is not anything that can be said to make me feel better. I will feel better when the time is right for me. Words and sharings from others can bring comfort and show that there are those that care about you - which is wonderful! It warms my soul to know how many people there are praying for me and my family. I never knew what an amazing support system we had out there. Of course I knew our family and close friends have always been there for us, but beyond that John, Hudson, and I have been truly blessed.
The greatest feeling of "consolement" I have felt is by reading what others who have been in my EXACT situation have written. There are so many things that can happen during pregnancy - miscarriages, things going wrong with the baby, but none of those can compare to not knowing ANYTHING. There is no closure to knowing that you did everything perfect while pregnant; you ate the right foods, drank the right drinks, remained active, took vitamins, etc. and still you lose your baby with no scientific findings why. I am not by any means saying that my experience is harder than those that had lost their babies to other reasons, I am only stating that the feelings for all the situations are different.
I read on one blog where a woman wrote what she thought would be the best way to console a woman who has lost her baby and I will include her posting on my blogroll for you to read, but I wanted to add or make a few changes with my own opinion. If you are reading this you are either a friend of mine, someone who has lost a baby, or someone wanting to console a friend/family member who lost their baby. Hopefully my tips, as well as the post in the blogroll, will help you in what you are looking for. Most of mine are additions to the post, but I wanted to get my thoughts out too =)
1. Don't expect answers to phone calls, e-mails, or any type of correspondence. There are good and bad days. She may not want to talk to anyone at the time or she may be lonely and need a friend to lean on. Either way do not give up on your friend - keep calling and e-mailing letting her know that she is loved and you are thinking about her.
2. Acknowledge that she is a mother. She just gave birth - she is and always will be a mother. There might not be a baby there to hold or take care of, but she has a child. I have a fear that when I say, "Yes, I am a mother" those that have children will think "well, she's really not a mother - she has no child". The fact is I have had to do one of the hardest things as a mother - bury my child. So, remember her on Mother's Day and remember the child's birthday.
3. This one is tricky - some may feel like your friend will not want to be included on the happiness of all that is going on in your life. I on the other hand WANT to know when happy events are going on in my friends' lives. I know that some of my friends and family members are trying to get pregnant and I would feel even worse if I was not included in knowing what was going on. I would not want anyone to feel the need to tip-toe around me. When you do tell them the news just remember that as much as she is happy for you your news will make her think of her own little one and the loss of her child.
4. Baby showers - this one could be difficult and there are so many ways it to approach it. The week after we delivered Hudson I was supposed to have my own baby shower. On my mirror was an invitation to another friend's baby shower for the following week. I went to the friend's shower - the present? A gift card. I could not bear to be in the baby sections for more than five minutes seeing things John and I had registered for. Please respect that your friend might only be able to give you a gift card even if they are the type of person that loves to buy gifts and wrap them. I am the type of person that LOVES the whole presentation of gift giving. Christmas is my favorite time when I can wrap presents with elaborate bows and gift tags. Make sure to include your friend on the guest list - feel free to call her ahead of time and let her know you will be having a shower thrown in your honor and let her know that you understand either way if she decides to attend or not.
5. Don't worry about having the "right" thing to say. There isn't a person in the world that can have the right thing to say to someone - even if they have been there before. Every person on this earth has their own way of thinking, dealing with emotions, and thoughts. Just be there for her - a small "I'm thinking of you" message is perfect. It lets her know she isn't forgotten and it also makes you feel like you haven't said something you think will offend her.
6. If you are pregnant do not complain about your pregnancy to her. Hearing things like "I am just so ready to get this baby out" are not pleasant. I had to hear that from someone less than a month after Hudson was born and I all I could think was, "wow, I would do anything to have my baby back inside of me".