How to Console

For those of you that do not know me; I am a very independent person. I like to do things for myself - including taking charge of my emotional self. This most likely stems from being an emotional teenager and wearing my emotions on my face - I would cry in front of others and show anger and any other emotion I was having. As I have grown older I think I have strengthened my emotional qualities. Personally I think the 3 years I worked in the hotel business toughened me up completely - people can be rude and nasty for no reason and all and then take all their frustrations out on you; a perfect stranger. I do not think it is a horrible thing to cry or be angry in front of others - it's just not my choice. My best and most comfortable expression is happiness and having a smile on my face. In fact when I start to feel sad I have two songs that I sing in my head "You're never fully dressed without a smile" - from the musical Annie or the "Put a smile on your face" by Vitamin C.

I enjoy sharing about Hudson when I want to talk about him; sometimes I don't mind when others ask questions. This whole situation has left me to believe that I am not a person that can be consoled. I am in charge of my own emotions and there is not anything that can be said to make me feel better. I will feel better when the time is right for me. Words and sharings from others can bring comfort and show that there are those that care about you - which is wonderful! It warms my soul to know how many people there are praying for me and my family. I never knew what an amazing support system we had out there. Of course I knew our family and close friends have always been there for us, but beyond that John, Hudson, and I have been truly blessed.
The greatest feeling of "consolement" I have felt is by reading what others who have been in my EXACT situation have written. There are so many things that can happen during pregnancy - miscarriages, things going wrong with the baby, but none of those can compare to not knowing ANYTHING. There is no closure to knowing that you did everything perfect while pregnant; you ate the right foods, drank the right drinks, remained active, took vitamins, etc. and still you lose your baby with no scientific findings why. I am not by any means saying that my experience is harder than those that had lost their babies to other reasons, I am only stating that the feelings for all the situations are different.
I read on one blog where a woman wrote what she thought would be the best way to console a woman who has lost her baby and I will include her posting on my blogroll for you to read, but I wanted to add or make a few changes with my own opinion. If you are reading this you are either a friend of mine, someone who has lost a baby, or someone wanting to console a friend/family member who lost their baby. Hopefully my tips, as well as the post in the blogroll, will help you in what you are looking for. Most of mine are additions to the post, but I wanted to get my thoughts out too =)
1. Don't expect answers to phone calls, e-mails, or any type of correspondence. There are good and bad days. She may not want to talk to anyone at the time or she may be lonely and need a friend to lean on. Either way do not give up on your friend - keep calling and e-mailing letting her know that she is loved and you are thinking about her.
2. Acknowledge that she is a mother. She just gave birth - she is and always will be a mother. There might not be a baby there to hold or take care of, but she has a child. I have a fear that when I say, "Yes, I am a mother" those that have children will think "well, she's really not a mother - she has no child". The fact is I have had to do one of the hardest things as a mother - bury my child. So, remember her on Mother's Day and remember the child's birthday.
3. This one is tricky - some may feel like your friend will not want to be included on the happiness of all that is going on in your life. I on the other hand WANT to know when happy events are going on in my friends' lives. I know that some of my friends and family members are trying to get pregnant and I would feel even worse if I was not included in knowing what was going on. I would not want anyone to feel the need to tip-toe around me. When you do tell them the news just remember that as much as she is happy for you your news will make her think of her own little one and the loss of her child.
4. Baby showers - this one could be difficult and there are so many ways it to approach it. The week after we delivered Hudson I was supposed to have my own baby shower. On my mirror was an invitation to another friend's baby shower for the following week. I went to the friend's shower - the present? A gift card. I could not bear to be in the baby sections for more than five minutes seeing things John and I had registered for. Please respect that your friend might only be able to give you a gift card even if they are the type of person that loves to buy gifts and wrap them. I am the type of person that LOVES the whole presentation of gift giving. Christmas is my favorite time when I can wrap presents with elaborate bows and gift tags. Make sure to include your friend on the guest list - feel free to call her ahead of time and let her know you will be having a shower thrown in your honor and let her know that you understand either way if she decides to attend or not.
5. Don't worry about having the "right" thing to say. There isn't a person in the world that can have the right thing to say to someone - even if they have been there before. Every person on this earth has their own way of thinking, dealing with emotions, and thoughts. Just be there for her - a small "I'm thinking of you" message is perfect. It lets her know she isn't forgotten and it also makes you feel like you haven't said something you think will offend her.
6. If you are pregnant do not complain about your pregnancy to her. Hearing things like "I am just so ready to get this baby out" are not pleasant. I had to hear that from someone less than a month after Hudson was born and I all I could think was, "wow, I would do anything to have my baby back inside of me".

Scrapbooks and Savoring Memories

Throughout our entire pregnancy I kept a scrapbook - I scrapbook for everything. I had dreams of telling Hudson, "This is what mommy looked like while you were growing in her belly" and fun things like that. The first pages were filled with the three pregnancy tests I took and followed by belly pictures and ultrasounds. I sent out monthly e-mail updates to friends and family including the progressing belly growth and added those e-mails as well as responses to the book - coordinating with the month they were from or when ultrasounds were taken. Within the book I had pages where I had already set up the pages to add the future pictures we would take - the arrival of Hudson, a page for his first guests to sign, a page titled "from hospital to home". There was a page labeled for each month - January thru March to track his last three months inside of my belly and then April through December for pictures of Hudson. I had a section ready for his "firsts"...so many pages ready to be filled out.
Some of the pages will never be completely finished and those I took out, but the rest I left. I added pictures of Hudson's arrival and pictures of our family holding him for the first time - to say hello and goodbye. Hudson deserved that - we loved him beginning July 20, 2008 at 6:30 PM when I took that first pregnancy test and we will still love him for the rest of our lives. We even finished what we were able to of Hudson's baby book. So much will remain blank, but we wanted to remember all about Hudson; everything needed to be recorded so that nothing would be forgotten. We laid out Hudson's books and all of our friends and family were delighted at being able to see our little one as he progressed those 30 weeks. Some friends were even inspired to finish their own scrapbooks they had started over a year ago =)
The hospital took many copies of Hudson's little foot prints and we have those in his book as well as on a "Memory" certificate the hospital made for him. The certificate includes a small piece of his thick beautiful hair - we knew he would have a head full of hair! John and I framed the blue certificate in a white frame with a white matte and then added his monogramming (wooded letters John spray painted black) at the bottom of the glass on the frame. To hold the frame we bought a black wooden stand. My sister bought us a plaster kit for hand-prints; the nurses made Hudson's hand-print and added the plaster so we will always have a little hand molded for us to have. Eventually we will have a shadow box made to display the hand as well as the handmade (my mother crocheted) blanket we kept. We opted not have leave the blanket with Hudson and decided to keep it because it had his sweet smell lingering. The smell of Hudson was the best smell we have ever experienced. John and I did, however, give Hudson a new blanket because all babies need a blanket - especially since it is winter and cold.

Back to Work

Today was my first day back to work. It has only been a week and a half since Hudson was born and only 4 days since we buried him. Many think that I came back too soon; I feel I came back at the right time. Of course, it is hard to face everyone at work - they last saw this bubbly woman carrying a baby in her outstretched belly. There are those that just want to hug you, those that send e-mails, and then those that are just uncomfortable with the whole thing. I barely made it through the opening prayer - yes we pray each morning before the work day. Actually, I began tearing up when I saw everyone and started getting "the looks"; the looks of "the poor girl that lost her child". We all give the looks, so there is not any harm in that - I never realized how I would feel when given "the look".
I composed myself and then sat while we prayed. Once I heard my name and family in the prayer that is when the water works began. I tried my best to hold it in, but sometimes you just can't help it. I made my fastest run to the bathroom wanting to make an attempt to cover my red teary eyes - hoping no one chased me into the bathroom in an attempt to console me. I have come to realize that I am not a person to be consoled - I like to console myself. It's the same reason I have always been my own cheerleader and my own motivator. I guess I just take independence to a whole new level.
I definitely think that my first day back to work was much harder than John's. I think guys just have the "guy pat" and "nod" that they use to console one another without having to actually talk about their feelings. Being a woman we each have the nurturing gene within us and we all feel obligated to console one another with hugs, cries, talks...anything to get it all out.
I absolutely adore each person I work with and appreciate all they have said and done for me. Maybe I am just uncomfortable with the attention it brings. I like to lay low when it comes to something emotional in my life. I don't feel the need to grieve publicly nor do I enjoy looking sad in front of my peers. Maybe I did go back to work too soon after everything, but I refuse to sit at my house watching TV doing nothing or sitting there just feeling sorry for myself. The best way for me to heal from all of this is to get myself back into a routine. Yes, this is all very hard and my inner strength is working to its core, but in the long run it is what works best for me.

The Burial

Today we laid our son to rest. When we gave birth to him and saw his precious face and little body we knew physically he was perfect. During our funeral service our pastor went on with so many kind words, but the ones that stuck out the most were the ones that Hudson really IS perfect. Hudson has never sinned, never had an ill thought, never broken a commandment - nothing; he truly was/is perfect. Never has Hudson had to face the harsh world or be ridiculed. God has a completely perfect angel by his side.
Those words from Lyle, the pastor, were some of the most comforting words we could have heard. Words alone may not make our grief go away any faster, but they still can give your heart a little bit of peace. On this day, a day that you never expect to happen when you are in your mid-twenties; a day you are to bury your newborn son, words of peace are all you can ask for. That same day John and I had two friends, both of which had suffered miscarriages within that same week, and I started to think about them and my heart wished for hope that Lyle's words would comfort them as well. Although each miscarriage, stillbirth, and loss of a child happens differently, as with my friends, we each still had a loss in our hearts.
The ceremony was complete with a 21 inch baby blue casket, a memory certificate with Hudson's footprints and a piece of his hair, as well as a picture we framed. The whole set up was beautiful. We had flowers that matched perfectly - white gerber daisies, yellow roses, and small accents of blue. John and I added four yellow roses to the set-up and then we added four red roses; one for each grandmother and one for him and me to place beside the tiny casket. The funeral remained a very private event - our families, very close personal family friends, and our closest friends.
After the service was complete we were hugged and consoled by each attendee; we had never been apart of such and it was seemed very awkward to be the ones having to be consoled. My whole life I have been the consoler - the one who tries to give others strength. I have never been the type to grieve, cry, or be sad in public. In fact I am not comfortable without having a smile on my face or being happy. After saying goodbye to each of our guests I remember trembling in the arms of one of my oldest friends, one I have known since kindergarten, and thinking, it's ok to cry - you don't have to be strong all of the time. Once everyone had left John and I sat in our chairs; it was our quiet time alone to give our "earthly goodbye" to our dear Hudson. We watched as they placed his coffin in the tiny white vault, place the yellow and red single stemmed roses on top of the coffin, and then close the vault. The coffin was lowered manually by hand to the ground that had been freshly dug to hold our sweet child. When the time came to fill the space we were offered the chance to shovel the first dirt - a very nice gesture from the cemetery workers. John and I shoveled the first dirt particles together and then sat down to watch the finishing touches.
As we left our sweet child we were left with closure - a peace. We know our perfect angel is with God. We know that there is a reason for all of this pain. We also know that there is no one or nothing to blame for this event in our life. God will never give a person more than they can handle. Obviously God knows that John, myself, and our marriage is capable of handling what He has given to us - only knowing that there are better days ahead and many more blessings that are in store for our lives.
Now that we have given birth to our son and now laid him to rest we know that the two hardest days are over. We can continue the healing process and work on getting back to "normal". There will not be a day that we do not think of our precious Hudson, but instead of tears we will look at Hudson as a little boy that brought John and I even closer together, our families closer, and as a way to inspire others with our story.

Our Son

Our son, Hudson Greer, was born January 16th at 10:54PM at St. Joseph's/Candler Hospital in Savannah, Georgia. He was 3lbs. 2.1ozs. and 15in. long. He is the most beautiful baby we have ever laid our eyes on - every ounce of him was perfection. We know he was too perfect for this earth and God needed an angel by his side. We are grieving for our loss, but rejoicing for God's gain. There was more love for our little angel that we carried for 29 weeks and 6 days then we can imagine. Although we do not have the answers to our "why" questions, we know that there is a purpose in this strange circle of life. Each of you know that John and I have a strong faith in God and know that all things are His will and "everything happens for a reason". With our faith in God, our strength in each other, and the support from our AMAZING friends and family we know that our grief will pass and we will be able to look back on this event with love and fond memories that we had while Hudson was growing inside of us. Our hearts will love him forever and we will never forget his face or his sweet smell. We will be holding a private ceremony for our Hudson on Thursday and we ask that you all think of us and say a prayer for strength as we bury our first born son. In lieu of flowers we are asking for donations in honor of Hudson Greer to the March of Dimes.
John and I want to thank all of our friends and family for all of the love and support we have been given - with words, calls, flowers, food and their presence. We have not, at this point, returned phone calls or messages and for that we apologize, but we need our time for the healing to begin. It is still hard to talk about, but we know eventually we will be able to tell Hudson's story without any tears. For those that have not heard the full story this is a summary of the events from the past few days. Starting last Thursday I felt something was wrong with our baby - from a lack of fetal movement. I went to the doctor and sat on a fetal monitor for 20 minutes and felt him moving and everything seemed fine.
Still for a week I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and heart - mother's intuition must have come early for me. This Thursday (Jan. 15th) I went to the doctor once again to check everything out. I was put on the fetal monitor again and they had a hard time with keeping the heart beat steady - they thought he was moving around too much. Next I was taken to a room to try and hear him on the doppler and we were not able to hear anything. I was then taken to the ultra-sound room where I saw our little one and then heard the words I will never forget, "Beverly (the nurse), I'm sorry, but I cannot find the heartbeat". Of course I knew it in the back of my mind, but to actually hear the words was a completely different feeling. I called John at work and he came to the office immediately. Next we had to make a decision whether or not to have a c-section or to have a regular delivery. We decided on a regular delivery which is the hardest to do emotionally, but in order for less complications for future pregnancies and deliveries we knew this would be the smartest (and hardest) route to take.
Thursday afternoon I was given medicine to start the opening of my cervix and then we were to come in again at 8AM on Friday. We went in and then were given the next dose with instructions to come in again between 8PM and 9PM for the next dose and we would also be admitted the following day (Saturday) for the delivery. Around 5PM on Friday I began having contractions that became more frequent and more painful. I wanted to try and wait it out, but my sister called the doctor and read out the times John had been writing down and we were told to come in immediately. We got to the hospital at 8:30PM and then gave birth at 10:54PM.
This was the hardest experience for John and I - if you could imagine giving birth and after the birth a silent room; no tears from our baby born. After the rest of the procedure John and I spent some time with our son holding him and crying. He has John's feet, a mixture of our lips, my nose, and a head full of hair. He was beautiful and perfect. The doctor said there was nothing he could see from the baby, the cord, or the placenta that caused any of this. The next morning (we stayed in the hospital that night) they took about 8-9 tubes of blood from me to run tests to see if something happened in my body. We have elected not to have an autopsy on Hudson, but are letting him rest instead. John and I came home last night and of course will be taking some time for ourselves and to start our emotional healing process.
We love each of you and hope that you will all continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers and understand why we have not thanked or called you each personally. We love you all and thank you all from the bottom of our hearts for helping us to get through this moment in our lives.
We love you all.Love, John and Kimberly

Happy New Years!!

We celebrated the new year at Danielle and Dustin's house with Alex and Dorie. We watched the ball drop, but mainly we watched the motorcycle guys in Vegas do all their jumps. Watching those give me anxiety. We played some games too - John and I brought over Partini and it has a mixture of different games to play all in one. I love to play games!

On the actual day of the new year we went over to Vicki's house to have an oyster roast for her birthday. I did not eat any, not because they aren't good for baby H, but I'm not into oysters either - gross!! My brother and his family were there because they weren't able to come during Christmas so we celebrated with them as well. We had a good time and then went home because I wanted to sleep - go figure!

Christmas Picture

This year John and I decided to dress up like elves for our yearly Christmas card. Hunter was our little reindeer...