Please VOTE!

Hey blog readers out there!! I need a favor from you - it will only take a short minute! My friend and sorority sister is trying out for the Miami Dolphins Cheerleading Squad and she needs your help! Please visit the following link and vote for Hollie! You can choose her name 10 times! Then just fill out the information below. Please vote everyday if you can!

A little background info - Hollie went to Valdosta State with me, she and I were both in ADPi, and she cheered while in school, as well as coached while in graduate school. She would be a great asset to the team!

Gifts

Children are a gift of the LORD

Psalm 127:3

A verse that is heard quite often right? At least you have heard similar versions I am sure. This verse always makes me think. It makes me wonder why my gift was given, but I only was allowed to keep half of it. The half of Hudson that is in my heart is what I have, but I don't have him physically here. I pray (plead) everyday to God that I will be allowed the full gift of BG - to have her in my heart (as she already is) and to have her here physically as well. Sometimes I become angry at this verse and those like it.

Have you ever seen those shows titled I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant or Sixteen and Pregnant? I become so irritated (then again what doesn't irritate me lately!) at those shows. Then there are the movies and real life stories of teenage girls making a pact to get pregnant as if their child was some sort of an accessory. That is how I see so many people now - they treat their children like those little dogs you put in purses. They want a doll to dress up and play with, but they really do not want to have the children. Many times I have heard teenage girls plan to have a child just so that they can receive money from the government or whatever it is that gives them money when they do not have a job and they have kids. That is their goal for after high school - not to go to college or get a job or even to meet a future husband - but to get pregnant so that they can be supported.

The crackheads down the street can pop out a baby left and right and they probably don't even care, know how many children they have, or know the fathers of their children. Am I judging them? No, they are living their life the way they want, but am I jealous because they are given something so precious as a child when I have lost one? Absolutely. How does that make sense? To give value to a child but yet people that do not realize the value are having them over those that see their value and more.

Infertility is complete heartbreak. It really is. Then when it is thrown in your face constantly by ungratefulness it makes it even worse. The desire to have a child is put into your heart and some women have to pray for that desire to go away because they have been trying so hard and are unable to produce a child. In my own life I wonder sometimes which is harder - to be expecting a child and then suddenly lose him like I did or to not be able to have even the experience of carrying a child. With my experience its like a teasing - kind of how you tease a cat with a string, they get so close to snatching it and then BAM you take it away. I think that's the scariest part of being so far along in this pregnancy - once again I am almost at that finish line. I don't want to come up short again.

There are so many other factors that make my situation and those dealing with their own battles of infertility even worse. People with kids act like you are nothing without kids; that your life is meaningless unless you reproduce. I really wish people would just think about what they are saying when they speak out loud. You never know a person's situation or their struggles in life. Of course I have always tried to think before I speak, but now more so as I have to deal with the constant remarks that twist the knife of heartbreak deeper and deeper.

I really have been more positive about this pregnancy lately and deep down inside knowing that everything is going to be okay. Saying that last sentence actually scares me because the moment your guard is let down is when you are left vulnerable. Then there is that little annoying voice inside that keeps saying, "something could still go wrong you know..". It's that voice that made me want to wait until after 30 weeks to order furniture, its that voice that will not allow me to cut off the tags or open any presents out of their containers. I did start to pack diaper bags up and the diaper stacker - both of which are big steps for me. Usually I would be freaking out not having the nursery set up or everything set to a tea, but I think if it was all set up I would be even more anxious. So, for now I will slowly set things up, continue my scrapbooking, and slowly start packing my hospital items in a little corner.

Project 365 - Day 79

A new constant companion I like to tote around...

That Question

It happens everyday. I still haven't find the most appropriate answer (as in to get people to stop asking once I answer), but I have found one that seems to work so far. You know - it's the "is this your first?" question. I get it several times a day - everyday. My answer, of course, is "no". Then it leads to the other series of questions. The very first question sometimes is "how far along?" and then "is it a boy or girl?" and then that question comes along followed by "oh, was your first a boy or girl?" then "how old is he?". That's when it becomes tricky. You don't want to make others feel uncomfortable, but at this point I have realized they are making me uncomfortable with the long series of questions that for some reason strangers need to know. People are really nosy, have you noticed?

So the dialogue goes something like this:

"How far along are you?"
Me: --- weeks
"Do you know if it is a boy or girl?"
Me: Girl
--then some comment is made on how I am carrying so low and how it looks like I am carrying a boy, etc...--
"Is this your first?"
Me: No
"Oh, what was your first child a boy or girl?"
Me: A boy
"Oh how perfect, a boy and a girl - how old is he?"
Me: (thinking it is all far from perfect) He would be a little over a year.

Now, at this point you would think the questions would stop - clearly if they were listening they would have heard me say "he would be..". Sometimes people probably think I have misspoken, have poor grammar when speaking, or they aren't even listening at all. I think the person not listening is the part that irritates me the most. Usually the rest of the conversation is about having two children and blah blah - I don't even listen anymore because it all just annoys me really. I guess I also get annoyed by useless advice because clearly I will not have a child at home already to introduce BG to. There are a few people (maybe 1 in 100) that catch the words I say and then I can go into Hudson's story and that is when I don't mind all of the meaningless questions from strangers because then they can leave thinking.

It doesn't stop with the questions. Those are just one topic on my list of conversation items that annoy me. Maybe its the hormones, anxiety, and stress I am feeling right now as BG's arrival date nears. Am I stressed about her being here and having a newborn? Not one bit - I think we all know by now I am ready. We all know its my being pregnant and fear of something going wrong when we're almost at the finish line.

Sometimes I never know what to say when people say certain things to me. My feelings really get hurt and there's really nothing I or anyone else can do about it. I know that there is not any substance to comments that are made, but it still stings...its the ones all parents give to expectant mom and dads.

"Welcome to the club" - seriously? I do believe I was pregnant and gave birth to my first child over a year ago...thanks for remembering

"You sure you're ready for this?" - well, for one I did have a child over a year ago so apparently I was ready then and now I am pregnant with my second one that I am praying I get to keep and not bury this time - yeah I am ready.

"Look what you get to look forward to" (usually said when a child is acting up, crying, or misbehaving) - yes, I am looking forward to it...it sure is better than you burying your child.

"Just wait until you have a little one running around" - oh seriously? trust me we have been waiting and we should have a little one running.

"When you become a mom." - I will not even go there with this one.

There are several others, but unfortunately this is a post I have wanted to write for such a long time now that I have forgotten other examples, but you get the drift.

Back to the initial subject "is this your first". Its such a strange thought that Hudson will always be my first child, my first son, my first pregnancy, and my first to give birth to. That's where it ends. The rest is BG - she will be my first to hear a first cry, my first to give a first bath, my first to bring home from the hospital, my first diaper change, and it goes on and on. It does not make sense that I am having child #2 and I should already be a pro at all of the things you do when having a baby or newborn. Truth is John and I will be learning all of the firsts with our second child. It's not the way life is supposed to happen, but it is how our life is happening.

The cycle will never stop...it will happen with all of my future pregnancies as well. I guess it is just one of those things that will become easier with time like everything else.

Shower & Wedding

Saturday was a busy busy day! I left early in the morning to head to Griffin for Christine's (and Ansley's) baby shower. It was held a a cute little restaurant called J. Henry's. The shower was hosted by Toby's aunts and grandmother - and wow they are hilarious!! I don't think I have been quite this entertained in awhile. I feel like I laughed for 3 solid hours. Christine is one of my friends from VSU - John and her husband Toby are fraternity brothers. We are so lucky to have remained close friends with the two of them. Their little girl will be named Ansley Ellyn.

After the shower I headed to Macon for Brooke and Jake's wedding. Before the wedding I was able to meet up with my friend Amanda - whom I have mentioned before (she painted the ADPi painting for BG's room and is my pledge sister) and we had a great time chatting for an hour or so! We met up at Chick-Fil-A.

Next stop - wedding time! Brooke and I were sorority sisters at VSU and we met because I did part of a 5th year in sorority. (Yes, I am a slacker and it took me longer than 4 years due to switching majors, cheering, working, and sorority life) Jake is one of John's fraternity brothers and we met him a year or so before Brooke when he pledged up Kappa Sigma.

I headed to the wedding and it was gorgeous! The church, the atmosphere, the bride! BG enjoyed the wedding as well :) I headed to the reception after the ceremony and was able to hang out with friends I haven't seen in quite sometime. Mostly I see them at weddings, VSU's Homecoming, events like that. Its going to be sad when everyone is married...good thing for facebook! I guess we'll actually have to start working on reunions at that point. Of course baby showers are the next "in" thing, but those only include part of the group!

The beautiful bride Brooke & I

Lindsey, Amanda & I

My new friend Emily - Blake's wife. Emily is a long time blog reader :)

ADPi's (and future ADPi BG) after singing to Brooke

Kappa Sigma after singing to Brooke

Project 365 - Day 78

Remember how I mentioned I am somewhat of a hoarder and that I have a hard time throwing things away? I am becoming much better and throwing the junk away. I still may have a long way to go (actually I have until June 1st to get rid of the junk) but I am improving! I took a picture one time of my tennis shoes that I have had probably since around the time John and I started dating. Well....I sort of have a pair of shoes I wear constantly older than that. I have a pair of reef flip flops I bought on spring break my freshman year in college - around April 2001. I love them and I wear them constantly. I cannot believe they have held up this long - but I think this might be the last summer they make it through...it will be a sad day when they are retired.

Project 365 - Day 77

So...I didn't get the actual picture that I wanted to use for my photo of the day, but this one will do because it has the lady that would have been in the picture. At the wedding reception there was a little upstairs balcony and this woman was just laying across a bench all sprawled out taking a nap. The real wedding photographer captured the picture of her sleeping - which quickly made her wake up :)