This weekend I met up to eat dinner for my friend Toni's birthday. It was so nice to get out and hang out with a few old friends. I rarely get out for things like that - usually it's only work or long-term planned commitments that I have planned. Sometimes it's hard to go out of the safety net of my room. In the room I am not faced with other happy women and their children - I don't have to put on my best happy face. Slowly I am trying to make sure I am not just sitting by myself feeling sorry for my self, but sometimes that's just the most comfortable thing to do. I'm not faced with the "so, do you have any children" question from various new people and I'm not faced with "the look" of someone who desperately wants to ask me how I am. Luckily for me I have such an amazing group of friends and they just automatically ask how I am and really want to know how I am and where I am in my grief with missing Hudson. One day I will be back to my social self, but for now this is the self and I am will be for awhile....
Today marks step one in moving into our own home! John and I met with our realtor (Eric) and the site agent today to sign a contract to have our house built! YAY! Finally, a house to call our own. John signed all the paper work, we picked out a lot, and then picked out all of our colors. We'll be having hardwood floors, granite counter tops, and true-stone counter tops - and that's just where the fun begins! Our next mission (besides patiently waiting until closing day in mid-September) will be to find some fun furniture to put inside our house. John and I FINALLY get to use all of the fantastic wedding presents we received 2 years ago. I told my family that whatever the first holiday to come after we moved in we would be having it at our house. Looks like I will need to learn to bake a turkey! Of course, most of my side of the family goes out of town for Thanksgiving, but maybe we can convince John's side to make a trip to see us! If all works out well we will close at 3:00PM on September 15th!
Saturday night we celebrated my brother-in-law's 40th birthday. Hubert's actual birthday was on the 13th, but the party was just this weekend. My brother, sister-in-law, and niece came in town for the occasion as well. A few cousins were originally going to come, but they had some stuff to do for the new house that they bought. John and I brought some old liquor that we had (from our stock-the-bar shower back in 2007) for the old birds to drink. We had a wonderful time and I managed not to get thrown into the pool - even though my husband was one of the man handlers throwing everyone into the pool. Only one person (Dana) brought their bathing suit, so everyone else was in their party clothes.
Sunday John and I woke up and went to church - wow what a sermon. It was as if God was speaking directly to us. Brian Jobe preached about the Beatitudes - Matthew 5: 1-12:
Now when He saw the crowds, He went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to Him, and He began to teach them saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
The main focus for the sermon with this entire passage was the "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted". Sound like it hit home to anyone? Well, bingo - there's me right front and center. A lot of what we learned would get lost in translation, but click here and you can check out what Brian preached on. A small gist of what we learned was that we shouldn't walk into church feeling like we had to plaster smiles on our faces - hiding our tears. We need to let our emotions show, if we need to cry, then cry. I posted awhile ago about a particular song (Blessed be Your Name) that ALWAYS makes me choke up because I live and breath that song everyday and I sing it in church choking back the tears that want to flow from my eyes. Please make sure you check out the sermon because I am not very good and summarizing...
"We cannot be filled until we are empty and we cannot be made worthy until we recognize our unworthiness" - John MacArthur
Sunday afternoon John and I went to Freddie and Brian's wedding. Freddie and I have been friends since she moved here from Germany in Middle school We had such a wonderful time. A few of my friends from high school (some I have known since we were 4...) were there and it was a fun time to catch up. One friend that was there we found out is expecting and another engaged - so it was a fun night to celebrate!
The wedding was at the Mansion at Forsyth Park at it was absolutely perfect! The tears started flowing as soon as Freddie's brother walked her down the aisle. Brian and Freddie wrote out their own vows to each other and they did such an amazing job. I started thinking as they were saying their vows and then listening to the officiate go over his part and it made me realize how John and I have held onto our vows. The words seem to be just words when you are saying them that day, but later you actually start to see yourself being apart of those words and promises. For better or worse - we are living proof of that particular vow....
On a side note that has nothing to do with what I have posted above - John and I have decided not to calculate or time anything for a second child at this time in our life. We are just going to let nature take its course and whatever happens will happen. There is too much pressure in calculating days or taking my temperature - it can become obsessive and I still need (John and I both need) to work on our own healing before having another baby. If it happens then it will happen - we know that everything is in God's time and when it happens it will be the right time for us.
This weekend John and I headed up to Macon for Brian and Casey's wedding. I have known Brian since the first week of college freshman year and we met Casey later in college. John and Brian are fraternity brothers. We left Saturday afternoon and stayed at the La Quinta where the rest of the group (friends, family, wedding party) were staying. On the way there I found a coupon for a $59 rate (walk-ins only) and that beat our $100 rate!! So, being the little thrifter I am we "walked-in" asked if they had any rooms available and viola - we saved 50 bucks!
I took a shower to get ready and John went ahead to start hanging out with all the boys. The whole way there (when we were about 50 miles away) it rained, so the wedding that was supposed to be outside was moved inside. It was still very pretty and its lucky when it rains on your wedding day! After the ceremony we went to the reception room - it was all at the country club and grabbed seats while we waited for the bride and groom to take their pictures.
John and I always have such a good time hanging out with all of our friends from college - we definitely miss all of them. The boys like to let lose and get a little rowdy, but I guess that is their escape and they have a chance to relive their college days - even though it catches up with them in the mornings! After the reception we went back to the hotel and we were supposed to head to the "after party". I declined and went to bed, John however, went to hang out with everyone. Later at hmm...around 5AM John's phone rang and a friend of ours ran out of gas on the interstate. I went to go get him - 30 miles there and 30 miles back...poor guy. Luckily we had an extra bed on our room (due to the room rate rules) and we let our stranded friend stay in the room with us.
In the morning we went to eat and then headed back home - when we got home I crashed and slept for about 3 hours. Last night towards the end of the night I started thinking that this would have been Hudson's first time away from his parents for a night. We had planned awhile back that my mom would either go with us or we would just got for the wedding and come straight back. I started imagining that I would have to pump while we were in the hotel room because Hudson would have needed a feeding time...its strange how events like that I still think about what I feel like should be happening.
So this is where I am at today. I blog because its my outlet; I blog because it makes me feel real; I blog because I may help others who are going through similar situations; I blog because if I don't get these feelings out then I will go insane. I don't know who all reads my blog. I know a few friends and family that read and a couple of strangers out there and that is fine. I just want to get this out there that this blog is for me. Its not for someone else. If it does help someone in the long run then good - I hope that my pain and hurt helps others going through difficult times. It is for my health and for the benefit of my mental stability. I do not care who reads it because the truth is yes I started blogging about everything that has happened in my life because I gained so much from reading blogs of other women who have lost a child, but in the end I blog for me. I should not have to edit what I put in this blog because, "I read your blog everyday and I don't want you to write something mean about me". I should not have to censor MY emotions and bottle things up inside. Ok, yes, maybe I should have the guts to tell people how I really feel, but I can't. I really and truly cannot deal with confrontation and where I am now is a whole lot better then where I used to be.
There was a time when I had no self-esteem, where I was a size 2-4 and still thought I was fat, when I had a little acne and I thought I looked like a pizza, and when my teeth were crooked and I felt like the ugliest person in the world. Who was I to tell others my problems? Why would anyone care what the lowly crooked tooth pizza face fat girl felt like? Maybe it was from being an adolescent or maybe it was something else, but that's how it was. I have grown out of that now and I have been away from that person for a long time. I have confidence and I do not worry as much about what others think about me - on the outside. I have spent the past few years making sure that everyone knows my inside and likes me for me rather than how I look or dress.
So, onto WHY I have written all of the above. If you have been through what I have been through finding out someone is pregnant is not the easiest thing to hear. I have told friends/family that are "trying" not to tell me in a public situation and to just let me know straight out...no games. Three weeks after Hudson was born my sister-in-law and brother-in-law told us they were expecting - I bawled my eyes out. The next week it was our friend Stacy, the next week our friend Jeannie, the next week our friend Lauren, the next week our friend Danielle, the next week our friend Melissa - are you getting where I am going with this? Its been rough and as happy as I truly am for them I am also grieving the loss of my one child, my son Hudson. It has only been 4 months. So today, I am informed someone else is pregnant. I specifically told them they needed to tell me when they found out and they respected my wishes by doing so. That should have been the end - nothing else.
Here is the "else" with the conversation. "are you pregnant" - asking me, "no, I am not" Then she askes when I will tell her when I am pregnant and I told her whenever I am ready. She mentions that I told her to tell me immediately so I should too. Nope, wrong answer - someone telling me they are pregnant is a whole different ballgame then me telling them. Its going to be a little different when John and I get pregnant again and the last thing I am worried about is telling people. Why? Because then I will have to "untell" people if we face the same situation as Hudson. Yes - that is what I think about when I think about being pregnant. As much as I want to have a child right now I am probably not ready, but then when is there ever a "ready"? When would I not have the fears of losing another child of mine? Trust me I have prayed and prayed for God to cast my fears away and He's working on me, but its a battle - a battle that God will prevail in.
Not only did that whole conversation take place, but I was asked not to blog about it. Seriously?Just because they read my blog does not mean its for them. Its for me - like I said earlier. If you notice I never write "mean things" about people in my posts - its not my character to be that way. So why would she even say that? Why get me angry that I am not to use my outlet the way I want to use it? So, I am blogging about it without fear of hurting feelings because my feelings have been hurting for four months and do you see me complaining to anyone? No - because its life and we take what God gives to us and praise Him for all of His many blessings. When something bad happens we look to Him and I have done nothing more. So, to those that ask people like me "not to blog" don't ever do that again.
Last night John discovered a hematoma in Hunter's ear - the same thing he had 17 months ago. This morning John took Hunter to the vet so they could drain it before it got any worse. I was able to pick Hunter up after work and bring him home. Poor guy has a bandage wrapped around his ear and it has to be so annoying it makes him want to shake his head even more - causing it to bleed more. I was supposed to go to my brother-in-law's 40th birthday family celebration, but I need to stay here and watch Hunter because the last time he shook his head so much that blood was everywhere. Seriously, it looked like WWIII took place. This means I will also miss out on my dance class tonight - the adult tap class.
Today my mom informed me she likes to make her plants have sex - yeah, that was really uncomfortable to hear. It came out of nowhere. She had a lily in her lap (we were on the way to my sister's house and my mom bought both of us lilies for Mother's Day) and she was messing with the pistil or whatever the male part of the flower is called and she was brushing it into the stamen (female part?) and that's when she made the declaration. Weird..
Also, a few more Danny-isms for your delight. He came to see me "at work" or actually I have no idea why he was there - probably to get a coke because we don't keep cokes in the house. Anyways, when I got home he mentioned (brace yourself) that I was "busier than a one armed paper hanger". After my mom and I gave him the "you are a redneck" look he said, "Well, I could have said you were busier than a one-legged man in a butt kickin' contest." These both remind me of when we said something was "smaller than a gnat's behind". Really, where does he come up with these things and why is it that my mom, brother, sister, and I are so normal? One of God's miracles I guess....
So, it's Mother's Day and all week I have been thinking about what I would post on this day. It's such a bittersweet day because it's my very first year to celebrate being a mother, yet I am a childless mother. It's crazy how a day like this, a day to celebrate, is yet another day to remind me that Hudson is not here. It's a day that slaps me in the face telling me I am a childless mother. I know I am a mom and I know others know I am a mom, but I think this is the hardest kind of mom to be. A mom that lives everyday knowing that her child is gone and never coming back.
This week I thought about all of the other moms out there that have lost their children - the mothers of Natalie Holloway, Lacy Peterson, and all of the other women that have left this world the past few years. How is it different for me as a mom than it is for their mothers? It's really not - they are probably feeling the same grief that I am. They are probably recalling past mother's day presents or memories with their children, but I sit and think about what I don't have and what I won't have with Hudson. I have the memories of him growing inside my womb and my heart, but I don't have memories of playing in the sand with him or helping him make a crafty project. I don't have a school project that he made for me for mother's day or anything - I only have the 200 days that he was in my womb and the pictures we took the day we "met" him.
It's really hard to be positive on a day such as this when I am surrounded by friends and family with their children and their pregnancies. Some days are good and still there are bad days. A person can only keep a smile on their broken heart for so long. As happy and joyful as I am for everyone else while they celebrate with their children the more I want to crawl in a hole and sit there until the day is over. Of course I would never do such a thing - I don't like dirt - but it's a thought that has crossed my mind.
Once again I have been showered with support from family and friends with flowers and cards and it means the world to me that I am not forgotten and that Hudson is not forgotten. Me being a mother only makes Hudson's memory and existence more real because you can't have one without the other.
Dancing is a passion for me, its something that I lost a passion for, but one that I have found again. I started dancing at an early age of 4 or 5 - first beginning with ballet. The next year my mom added tap to the mix. Oh how I loved tap classes - I still do! After a 9 year hiatus from dance (after my senior year I left for college and did not take lessons) I started taking classes again this fall. Muscle memory definitely took over and I am back to where I left off. I remember as clear as day when I lost my love for dance. It was my junior year - tap class. I was a busy girl, in the spring I had cheerleading (try-outs and new stuff), track, and dance class. I never had a free moment. Occasionally I would have a track meet when I would have dance class and I would have to miss the class. Not a big deal to me because I always caught on very fast. Apparently it was a bigger deal to others that I missed class.
Now please keep in mind I danced with the same teacher most of my life (two years when I was younger I danced at a studio closer to home) and I knew the teaching style and my teacher very well. I will admit I was a little cocky and a know it all in class - at the early age of 17 dance was the one thing I thought I knew everything about. Anyways, back to the story at hand. I remember one class, we had warmed up and started practicing the dance we would be performing at recital. Now considering this was 10 years ago or so some of the details are fuzzy, but the gist of the argument started when my teacher asked me to demonstrate a step to the class. Well, not only was I 17, but there were other students in my class my age as well as women that were 8-10 years older than I. That kind of upset me because I wanted only people my age to be in the class, but it doesn't matter. Anyways, one of the class members (an adult) starts yelling about how it's always "Kimberly this, Kimberly that" and then called me a nasty little name - one I had never heard myself be called before. I was horrified! Never had someone lashed out at me.
There is much more to the story, but the point is that's the night I decided I hated going to dance class. Each time I stepped into the studio I would replay that horrible night in my head over and over. Even crazier 10 years later I remember it as if it were yesterday. Still to this day (in my adult tap class I am in now) I cringe when I am asked to demonstrate a step in fear I will become the target of a mood swing.
The reason I am blogging about this story is because my teacher asked me if I wanted to be in the Roy Rodgers dance (a bench dance) with the teen class. This dance was also performed my senior year and once I heard the music my body knew what to do. I remember how much I did not enjoy dancing with adults when I was a teenager, maybe it was because those adults had over powering personalities, but something bothered me about it. So I feel as if I am in a pickle and that if I do perform with these girls I will be hypocritical of how I always have felt. I have a month to think about it and maybe since its a sit down dance and our faces will be covered it will be ok - besides the number really looks good with a ton of people!
I am trying to combine my other online journal onto this blog - basically it started when John and I got married, so if you see posts on here that are randomly dated now you know! I feel it might be easier to have everything in one place =)
This past weekend I had a bachelorette party to go to. John went to the bachelor party for the same couple as well. Mine wasn't too far away - about 45 minutes and it was on the beach, so I was looking forward to relaxing and having a girl's weekend. I had a great time, but there were some weird moments...
During the first part of the weekend one of the girls kept talking about kids - fine no problem. I didn't want to make these new friends uncomfortable (I knew 2 girls and then 3 were girls I had never met before) so I did not say anything about having Hudson. Well, at one point she was talking about her sister-in-law and how when their baby was born he was rushed away and had to have all kinds of tests and was at a different hospital. During the story her exact words were, "could you imagine giving birth and then having your baby taken right away from you?". I had to bite my tongue - I wanted to say, yes I know exactly what that's like, but at least their baby was alive and they would get to keep their baby unlike me. Instead I just sat there not saying a word.
Later that night we went to eat - some yummy seafood - and we were talking about oysters and I mentioned something that we had an oyster roast for my sister's birthday and I didn't eat any. Well, my friend asked if I ate oysters or if I just didn't eat them because I couldn't at the time. I told her I didn't like them, but that I stayed away from seafood the whole time. One of the girls asked if I as pregnant and I said no, I was. She looked really confused - as did the rest of the table, so I told them the story and told them not to feel sad, that I am ok and I believe that God has a plan for my life. I am actually grateful that my friend sort of approached the subject and I was finally able to get it all out and they all would know about Hudson. Sometimes I don't know how to bring him up because as much as I enjoy talking about him it makes others uncomfortable.
The rest of the weekend was fun as well - we went to the beach, laid by the pool, and then went out for the night. I remained the sober sister with my friend the DD and danced the night away. I forgot how disgusting bars could be though...girls throwing themselves at guys with the booty shaking dance moves, girl on girl dancing, and barefooted woman running rampant.
Today was the annual Doggie Carnival! Last year Hunter had an amazing time and it also helps out the local animal shelter. John and I try to do whatever we can to help out the shelter because we are avid animal lovers and the shelter is where we got Hunter from 7 years ago. The carnival has all kinds of events for dogs - a doggie derby, a photo session, doggie IQ test, the can paint with their paws, etc....all sorts of fun! Basically you pay for tickets and then you use your tickets to do all of the events. Hunter had his picture taken and then did a biscuit eating contest (basically he had to eat a treat) and he won a dog toy. We didn't compete in the derby this year because about a week ago Hunter did something to his back and I didn't want to make him hurt it again. Anyways, we had a fun time and are looking forward to going again next year!